Need Advice/Help

Hi, I've been looking through HW for the last week or so, and reflecting on my failed relationship. I'm 24 years old. I haven't faced a lot of stress in my life. My parents love me, perhaps too much. They've supported my decisions and have supported me through school no matter what.

My ex and I met online, and dated for nearly 3 years. When we were getting to know each other, we would stay up all night talking and getting to know each other. I forget what we would even talk about, but I recall nights where we would literally fall asleep talking to each other (only knowing the other had fallen asleep because their eyes had closed). She'd met a guy online before, but I had never met a girl. I thought this whole thing was a little weird; having feelings for someone I never REALLY met. She was just so cool though and different from other girls. I asked if she wanted to meet when the schoolyear was done, and she eagerly said yes.

We fell for each other pretty hard from the time we met. Looking back on the relationship, I was lazy as hell. This girl busted her ass to be with me: she went to school, lived on her own, worked and most of her money went toward visiting me. I'd usually offer to pay her gas when she visited me and she'd just say "that's not fair to you though". I told her I didn't mind since I'm the one still living at home, and I have the money to spare. She'd only ever take it if she absolutely needed it though.

I don't know where I want to go with this post, so I'll just rhyme off a couple of random things that bother me now. She wanted me to quit smoking. I told her I would do it for her, she wanted me to do it for myself she said; so I said I'm not sure if I'm ready to quit, and continued. I couldn't bring myself to smoke around her though. Even when she visited, or I visited her, I wouldn't light up during the entire stay. I was very complacent about the whole relationship. Our conversations became less and less deep, and she'd share her problems and I'd usually just kinda write them off. I was just very selfish about a lot of things. I can remember one time, she was supposed to visit and I got mad that she didn't because of the weather. Even the slightest thing would bother me. I'd say things that I look back on, and realize that I didn't mean or that I should've worded differently. It's as if a sick part of me enjoyed making her upset once I became upset. I've been reading a bit of the Bipolar forums, and I feel what I've read there describes what was happening. Especially since I'd usually get like this during times of stress (ie. exams and such).

I just honestly hate myself right now. She was my first girlfriend and I always thought that I would make a good boyfriend. However, my lack of effort to make things work by visiting more often, just listening (I eventually stopped. it was starting to feel that i couldn't do anything right by her), and actually realizing how miserable I/this relationship was making her.

She always said she didn't have a lot of friends and eventually went to counselling (she'd gone through highschool as well). She lost a group of her friends shortly after we started dating. Other friends were too busy with their own lives. I was really the only person she had to talk to other than family, and I wouldn't bring myself to listen. She even told me that there were things that she wished she could talk to me about, and she tries to be strong, but she just felt that whenever she came to me about them she just felt like an annoyance. I honestly didn't even remember this back and forth until I read an old email the other day :(.

I was controlling in a lot of ways without even realizing it. I asked in the beginning of the relationship what she thought about growing her hair long because I'd always liked long hair, and that I thought her old natural brown looked best on her. When she'd talk about just trimming her hair, I wouldn't get mad, but I'd do a little "whimper" cuz I thought she looked great the way she was. I'd always ask her opinion on how things were with me. "Do you like me a little scruffy?" for example. She talked about dyeing her hair. I asked why she'd do something like that because she looked just great the way she was. She said she needed a change, and I dunno. i guess i just didn't understand it. I dunno, I thought she looked beautiful the way she was. I realize now that she likely only felt beautiful to me and not to herself when she wanted to make these changes.

Another big problem was money. I never understood her money situation: mind you, she never really told me. She pretty much did just support herself though, other than with tuition. She still managed to do well in school though. Meanwhile, I just pay my living expenses and have struggled in a difficult program this year. She always said the only reason she lived away from home was because there's not enough work near her home. Meanwhile, I work a job with good pay out of home in the summer.

There's other things in the relationship that I can look back on and realize how stupid and selfish I was being. I can cite a number of examples of me doing/saying something selfish, and the list is just far too long. It's as if I'm still a little kid that just wants what he wants, even if it's from someone else. I don't know what. Now, my relationship is over and I'm struggling even more in school because I'm thinking of a relationship that doesn't exist any more, how i acted throughout the relationship and in the end, and what a miserable person I became and am now.

I feel like I got nothing out of this relationship other than realizing that I need help (I've gotten some of it through counselling, but things feel deeper than what I discuss with her). Why WOULD I get something out of it though, when I didn't give nearly as much as her. She 's such a passionate person, and I envy that. I just can't bring myself to love things for some reason. I loved her, I just didn't know how to express it other than physically. I feel cold and detached from what few people I have around me. I don't know when this happened, but I want it to stop. I feel confused about who I am, what I've become, what I want to be. I'm scared of what I want to be, but scared to continue feeling like this.

The other day, I called and talked to her for the first time in a little over a month. We talked for about 3 hrs about our plans in life from here on. I actually asked questions and showed interest, rather than just expecting her to tell me stuff like I would toward her. This made me feel horrible as I realized that that's all it would've taken to actually be able to carry on a conversation when we were together. I dunno, I guess I just thought you shared information when you were in a relationship and didn't have to ask about things. /sigh/. She's got some big plans that involve some international travel. My big plan: finally moving out of home. I feel I can only do this if I survive this semester though (I'm on a thread right now in most my courses, and need to pull myself out of the dirt in one other). I have trouble in school since I can't seem to focus. I was always a pretty smart kid, but as I've grown up, I just haven't been able to get myself into school. That changed when I met her though. I started doing really well in school again, and was going to the local community college again. Even the practical side of my schooling have faltered as I've gone to top 10 on exams, to just barely passing. For the first month, I stayed in my room most days, just crying and wondering what she was doing. Blaming myself for everything going wrong, and everything ending over 1 stupid decision I made out of my own insecurity. I've gotten better. Not because I'm over it, but just because the feeling of this breakup isn't a "new" emotion any more. I'm going to classes again, I'm a bit more engaged now than I was. Still not "me" though, I think because I don't know, and never HAVE known who "me" is.

I just feel really trapped, and I seriously still want this girl back so bad, even though I know she barely has the time or will to talk to me. I just I dunno.... I see where I've gone wrong, and I feel like I can't do any better than her. Why I couldn't see how amazing she was when we were together is beyond me.

I've lost a lot of friends due to them moving, and have always had trouble making new ones on my own. I just feel socially awkward, and as if I've never found the right group of friends for me. My parents are visiting for Easter, and I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother to stop helping me. I told her that I know dad won't have any problem with it, but that she won't let him. She went to hug me, and I said "NO! Just listen! You've helped me for too long! You're just gonna keep helping me, and I'll probably just let you. So I'm saying now to just STOP! I can't handle stress in my life because I've never had any. There's people out there, including *my ex* who can handle school, a job and a relationship while living on their own; and I can't even handle school and a relationship! I don't know the value of hard work because I've never had to work hard at anything. I've always just had things given to me, or was good at things naturally without needing to work at them. So please, just stop. I know you love me, but you're hurting me in the long run"

My plan is pending how this semester finishes. If I make it, I want to live in the same city as my school for the summer. I'm going to work at least 1 job and try to be more active. I'm going to pay my own gas, car insurance, bills and food. Parents will be my last resort, not my source. I want to face stress head on rather than running from it. I'm scared I'll break down though :(. I have to try though.

/sigh/ I still want her back though.... :(


Help. Plz. Input, anything. I'm Peter Pan right now, and I continue to dwell on insecurities long from the past. I just want to be happy with myself, and be someone that people can count on. I wanna feel smart again, and I want to be able to actually be passionate about things and care about things outside myself.

Thanks
Abe

Abe,

It sounds like you have a fantastic plan & are really motivated to make some major changes in your life. That in itself is quite an accomplishment & you should feel proud. Keep up the great work. I think Karen gave you some really good advice. I honestly can't see your ex just taking you at your word to change. She saw you for so long living your life one way & I imagine she would have to actually see change in order to believe it. It seems fair to me if you were to tell her how to feel & that you want to become a better person for yourself but that you also hope that she sticks around to see & celebrate the changes with you. Beyond that, it's really up to her. Maybe she'll get on board right away. Maybe you'll need some time apart so you can grow & she can look back and see that as your new pattern. Maybe there is someone even better out there for you (it is possible that someone even better than you could possibly imagine is out there).

Personally, I would say to wait on any commitments right now. The reason why is b/c I was head-over-heels for a guy once. I thought we were perfect for each other. But we started to drift apart & I realized that I really did need to change for my own good and hoped it would also mean we would end up together in the long run. Well, we broke up & I got better. Then we got back together. I, as my new self, couldn't stand to be around the guy for more than 5 minutes. I realized he was a really anger, bitter person. Compared to how I used to be, he was the happier one of the couple, but compared to how I am now he just really complains a lot & says a lot of negative things about people & I never had realized that before. So I want to encourage you to maybe try putting a little space in your friendship to see how you end up when you grow more into the kind of person you want to be. If you are truly compatible, it will only bring you closer, but sometimes it's hard to tell when you are so close what the whole person really is like & how your lives could truly complement each other.

Also, I really want to encourage you that all the strength you have comes from your own soul. In spite of what you think, it is not actually drawn from your ex. Maybe the idea of your ex has had some impact on you, but that inner strength is your own & you can draw on it to help you reach all your goals in life -- moving out, succeeding in school, finding a job, growing personally and, ultimately, finding a good mate who you can help grow in her life as much as she encourages you to grow in yours.

all my best,
frances

Abe,

Welcome to HealingWell. This is a great site and  I look forward to getting to know you better.

Looks like you have received some great advice from other members and I agree with much of what has been said. 

Do keep talking with us and know we care.

Again a warm welcome.

Kitt

I had the same problem with my schooling. I had to take a nice long break from it because I was having health problems and I was actually flunking classes. So I took myself out of it for a while. I didn't want the school taking me out of it. I was having other problems as well.

But it sounds like you are getting yourself together. Way to go.

Hara

Hi Abe, I'm with Raniah -- keep your head where your butt is (ie. think about today only) and do the best you can for one day at a time. Sometimes it doesn't matter so much WHO we do something for as it is that we DO it. Cheers

Hi Abe,

Are you still seeing that counselor you mentioned before? I've found it really helpful to talk things through with a therapist, especially when my thoughts become self-defeating and I can't seem to focus on the positive things in life. Sometimes it takes someone more objective....and someone who is trained to help in these matters....to show us a way out of our sadness and to help us to find ways to like ourselves again.

Hi Abe,

I understand what you mean about the counseling being through school, and how the focus is mostly on school-related problems and stress. You mentioned that you are in the medical field, and I wonder if there is some resource or info about counseling at a hospital there or at one of your placement hospitals that you could use to find a counselor better suited to your needs. It may seem that I'm harping on this counseling thing a bit, but sometimes when we can't get past a certain issue, especially if it is an emotionally-charged situation, we need help from someone who can look at things....and look at us....in a way that we can't see because we are upset and grieving.

It's interesting that your mother brought up the family deaths when you spoke to her about your breakup. I say that because, as I was reading your post, I was thinking about how these situations do have a common tie. You are right in saying that there are some differences, but a loss is still a loss, and there is still a process to go through in order to recover and move on. Whether a loved one passes away, or whether he/she leaves us for other reasons, we have to deal with the fact that this person is no longer a part of our daily experience, and we have to learn to live without the comfort of that particular relationship in our day-to-day existence.

I think you need to find a way to forgive yourself for the way you related to your girlfriend during your relationship. I know very well how painful it is to see things clearly after the fact and wish that you could have done it differently, but the saving grace in these situations is that we have a chance to learn about ourselves and to find out what we need help with in order to grow and to move on in our lives. I believe very strongly that all relationships have a certain life span to them, and some people are meant to be with us for a season or two, whereas others are meant to be with us for a longer time in our lives. I also believe that we learn our greatest lessons from our relationships with others, and sometimes that lesson involves an experience of loss and a time of sadness before we can reap any benefits from the lesson we've learned. Please know that I am not trying to trivialize your pain in any way.....I understand how much you are hurting, and fully understand why this is so hard right now. You have my deepest compassion for what you are going through.

I hope you will consider talking to another counselor about this when you feel ready. You deserve to heal from this experience and move on with your life and your wonderful career. Please continue to keep us posted, and know that I send my best wishes to you.

Post Edited (Raniah) : 4/13/2009 7:42:50 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Abe,

You don't need to apologize for feeling anxious.....it is perfectly understandable.

I don't know much about medical studies/programs, but is there any way that you could take a short leave of absence (if you felt that you had to), or would that jeopardize your placement in the program?

I wish I could suggest something helpful on the school end of things. I know what it's like to feel paralyzed by depression and anxiety, and when it comes down to it, I've had to force myself to do small bits of work in 'installments', if you will, in order to keep going when I feel like that. I won't launch into another post about small steps and manageable portions of work, but that is how I cope when I'm stuck with things.

Hi Abe,

Thanks for explaining the situation with your program. I hope you don't mind this question, but I am wondering: what did you do when you were "in the dumps educationally" before, and do you think those methods would help in any way with your current dilemma?

It makes me sad to see you give credit for your motivation to your girlfriend's presence in your life. You obviously have a great deal of intelligence and talent to have been accepted into a program with such limited seating, and I would love to see you recognize your own inner strength and abilities.

I got 80% on my quiz today. I studied off and on for about 3 weeks for it. last night I figured I'd get so worked up about not doing well still that I just took it easy. Feelin good about it.

I have another quiz tmo and I'm worried about it because I haven't hardly looked at the material yet. Something I've had difficulty with this summer is: last semester when I was still with my girlfriend, I'd study for hours at the school, all alone. I'd still text her every night to let her know I was thinking about her, and when I was down in the dumps and feeling lonely, she was a happy thought in my mind, and a motivation for a good life together. Now when I study, I still think about her, only now they're negative thoughts about myself and what a little kid I was in the relationship. It's been 3.5 months since our split, and 2.5 since the official breakup. I feel pretty pathetic for still letting this get me down. It's affected everything. It's not her fault for this happening to me, it's my own for allowing her to have this power over me. I realize I'm being obsessive, but I don't know how to stop :(

ya, i really do obsess over school. i remember last semester, i spent a whole month straight not really doing anything for myself. for the last 3 weeks, i'd go to class til 4-5.... study at school til 11-midnight, come home, watch something on TV and try to be asleep by 2am and get up at 7-7:30am. i have a hard time giving myself me time, and when i do.... i always feel like i should be focusing on school. now, this semester.... i've replaced thoughts of school with thoughts of my failed relationship/myself/trying to figure out how to be happy (studying doesn't make me happy in the slightest. hah).

Abe, I just have to say "WTG" on your quiz. I know your relationship ended badly. It sounds like you truely loved her. That love will always stay in your heart but eventually you will move on. It just takes time.

Hara

Thanks guys. The main problem I'm facing now is that I feel really lonely without my ex in my life any more. I've never made friends very easily, and when I did, it was usually vicariously through other friends which put me as an acquaintence. Lately I just talk to a few people in my class, my parents and try to hang out with my whopping 2 friends that I have here (both from my past). I just feel really alone right now, and desperate to make some friends :(