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Posted 11/12/2008 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
I do wish I had an answer for you. It's so hard sometimes it feels like I have a rhino on my back.
Finding time to myself helps, but as you know that is a very rare moment.
The biggest problem is conflicting emotions. I am crazy nuts about my husband, as uncool as it sounds, I still get weak in the knees when he kisses me (and we've been together twenty eight years)...though that happens less than it used to. On the other hand, when I get home from work and find that the house looks like something out of a disaster movie and nothing has been made for supper, I resent him. Boy how sad is that. Some great wife I am,..I know he is miserable and unable to do these things but I just get bone weary.
All I can say is keep on moving. I try to take each moment as it comes, and enjoy every little good thing you can find. Today I took a moment to look out the window and saw the leaves dancing on the wind. i find holding those moments tight and replaying them helps a great deal.
Remember this is all temp. he will have good days as well as bad and they are really worth the trouble we go through.
Posted 3/24/2009 9:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, and welcome to the forum
Nope, you are not alone. There are a lot of us out there. We just don't get the time to get out much.
I am so sorry for your pain. Having a depressed spouse is very hard. For the last year I have had to be both a mother and support system for my husband...it's rather like having two children, one going through a very hard puberty. The mood swings and bottoming out can be devastating to both of you. And the child is totally lost.
It's a rotten situation.
But don't give up. Your husband is still capable of getting out and about so that is a good thing. You figured it out before a major breakdown.
And, believe it or not, the other woman has nothing really to do with you (other than being a MAJOR fly in your soup).
I don't pretend to understand it, but I guess the whole flirt and chase thing is a kind of ego booster. "I can't be too much of a looser if strange women try to pick me up," kind of thought process. I know it sounds stupid on so many levels. And yes, I do know what it is like. I have many and colorful verbs to describe the "lady" that I refuse to dignify in front of him. I just let him know that I am supportive (we all need a rock), love him (I confess it would be easier not to some days), and she is neither welcome or allowed anywhere near the child.
It was hard to watch when she burned him, bad. But had I did what my knee jerk reaction was (don't ask) there would have been no one to pick up the pieces. And yes, many friends have referred to me as a doormat. Which is not fair.
I made my choice. I thought about what life would be without him and with him as is....you can never break a dog from sucking eggs or change a person who doesn't want to change.
I read about depression a lot and some of the texts suggest that it can lead to self destructive habits. I believe skirt chasing to be one of them (of course any woman who angles for a married/ committed male is a pretty low creature in herself and speaks loads about her self image. but I digress)
I guess the only advice anyone can give is take it one day at a time. And don't take the situation personally.
It isn't your fault that he is depressed. It isn't anything you do that makes him look at co workers. And try to stay cool when he is at his lows. Just breathe and give the little one lots of hugs and love.
good luck
Posted 3/25/2009 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonely,

I know how you feel. I really do. I was in a similar situation with my first husband. He practically made a fool of himself at my expense. When the other woman found somebody else, he was like he lost his best friend. He moped around the house and tried not to show it, but it was obvious. I was there for him though.

Everything worked out at that time. And I never regretted being there for him. He passed away in 2000 due to lung cancer.

I am now remarried, my husband is very good to me and nothing like my first husband. So I must say that things have a way of working themselves out.

So remember to take care of you and the little ones. Doing what is best for them will bring you happiness.

Have a great day,

Karen
Posted 3/25/2009 2:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Lonely,

Welcome to HealingWell.  I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.  I am wondering if your husband is in therapy?  This may be a good time to try to get him into see someone on a one to one basis.

Also you need to take care of you first as without your health you will not be able to take care of those wonderful children you have.

We do have a welcome thread and I will bring it up for you and any other new members if you would like to introduce yourself or not.............that is up to you :)

Again welcome

Kitt

Posted 3/27/2009 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
I am dealing with a depressed spouse myself and everyday brings a new mood. He blames the marriage on the depression and says if he left it would be better for everyone. One minute he loves me the next he will say he stopped loving me in January. It's so much to deal with. I have to remind myself that the illness is the one speaking not him, but it's very hard to find the courage to hang in there. Now I am told things like I hate coming home, but he's nice to everyone else but me. He is on meds and I hope to God they will kick in soon cause it's very hard living like this cry
Posted 3/27/2009 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hangingon,

Welcome to healing well. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I think it is the depression talking. Medications take about four to six weeks to get the full effect. So be patient. Try to hang on and keep posting. We are here for you.

Depression can be hard to live with, you might benefit from some counseling your self for the support.

Know that we here do care about you and we are here to support you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/7/2009 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonely,

I'm glad you were able to get your husband to make an appointment with his doc about the mood swings, headaches, insomnia, etc.. It may be that the meds he is on are not the right ones for him. It's unfortunate that he will not consider counseling (at least that is what I understand from your posts), and I wonder if his doc would encourage him to do so. You said in your earlier post that he has been on meds since January, so I would think that it's time for the doc to know about these symptoms. I'm sorry for how it is affecting you and your children. Have you thought about seeking some counseling for yourself to help you deal with the stress of your husband's depression and his lack of involvement with parenting? You need support too, Lonely. (((hugs)))
Posted 4/7/2009 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
it sometimes makes me feel guilty what my wife has to endure with my depression. I can be a living zombie at times, and it makes it hard to have a healthy relationship. I shut down and my family feels it, too. don't give up because even your presence makes all the difference for him, i'm sure.
Posted 4/8/2009 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
Having this forum has been a great way for me to get out feelings and frustrations.
It helps to get other view points as well.

I have an appontment to see someone, at the end of the month.
Posted 4/9/2009 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonely,

I hope that your appointment goes well. In the meantime, keep posting. We will always be here to help you as much as we can.

Best wishes for a wonderful day.

Blueboy,

Try not to feel guilty, just keep working on yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/13/2009 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
I really am struggling with my erratic emotional feelings. They seem to over rule my logical side and I fear sometimes it has caused more problems.
All I want is to feel secure about my marriage, to feel loved, and needed by my depressed husbands.
It is hard when emotional support, and the need for affection is needed desperately but you spouse does not give it. My emotional side is in turmoil, I am lonely and starved for love, but my rational side knows that he is not able to give it right now.
I feel that everyone else in his life (at work ) is getting his attention and emotions, and when he gets home there is nothing left for us. It almost feels that we are not worth the effort. Even when I have continually expressed my basic need for affection. (a hug or kiss once in a while)
It has been 5 months and we know the meds are not wortking. I fear things will get worse if he needs to change meds.
Posted 4/13/2009 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonely,

I'm glad you came back to post to us. I know it can be very difficult when we don't get the love and attention that we crave from our loved ones. Rejection is painful for all of us, even when the loved one in question doesn't purposely do it to make us feel bad. Has he been back to the doc yet? If I recall, he was going to go and see about his headaches and mood swings, etc. and see about adjusting or changing his meds. I would hope that his doc would also encourage him to get some therapy as well, since this has been going on for so long. I know you made an appointment to see someone in a few weeks, and I'm so glad for you. I've found it really helps to talk to someone about my problems, and get some guidance and support. Please don't worry in advance about your husband's possible change in meds....sometimes it takes a while to find the right one, but if he's willing to see the doc, it shows that he is trying to get better. Please keep the faith, and continue to let us know how it goes. ((hugs))
Posted 4/14/2009 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
My husband has his appointment this week
I am just worried that he has to be weened off this set of meds, before he can start new ones. If that happens I fear I will lose him again. He will fall back into his deep depression. Right now he is still somewhere we can not reach him. If he has no medication it is a scary place he goes and I do not know if he is strong enough to go there again.
Posted 4/14/2009 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe he will go to a medication where he can just switch instead of weaning off. Some medications you can do that with. I hope for you that he will be able to. I know that you don't like to watch him go through all this.

Keep posting as we are here to support you through this difficult time. Try to relax, worrying does nobody any good.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/15/2009 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Please try to hang in there, Lonely. I know it's hard when your husband's condition is out of your control right now, but try to have faith in the doctor, and don't hesitate to contact him/her if you feel that your husband's symptoms become worse. Communication is important, especially if your husband is not able/willing to call during his depressive state. Karen is right....we will do whatever we can to support you.
Posted 4/15/2009 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
thank you
Posted 4/17/2009 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

I read most of the previous posts (I'll get to them all later), but also wanted to add my thoughts. I'm usually over at the Crohn's Forum, as that is my affliction. I came here because I too am having trouble dealing with my spouse's depression. My wife has been clinically depressed for many years. She's had times when the depression will subside, but she's been having a hard time for many months now. Most days it seems that she sleeps endlessly. I've been trying to take care of our home and all the chores, as she's unable to do them. In some ways I think I'm lucky that we do not have kids to take care of. On the other hand, I feel like I'm always alone at home. It is as if she is not even here. In many ways, she is not. We go to counseling together. I go with her to her psychiatrist appointments when I'm able. today. He's adding Abilify to go along with the Cymbalta that she takes. She had taken this combination previously, but she's going to give it another try. These are just a few quick, rambling thoughts/feelings that I want to share. I think I'll be here more to converse with all of you. The psychologist and psychiatrist understand to a degree, but not the way people in the same boat do. Thanks everyone.
Posted 4/18/2009 1:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Katman,

I also take abilify and it has really helped me a lot. I haven't felt depression in months now. So I hope that it works for your wife.

Best wishes,
Thanks for joining us.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/18/2009 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen. Doc is starting her at 5 mg. He said this is a very small dose & if she does OK with this, he may increase the dosage. I do hope it helps. She has tried lots of different meds over the years. Her situation is complicated by other meds she takes for a heart condition. If this doesn't work, I think we'll be trying an MAOI inhibitor, but that would mean being off meds for a week. I'll check back later this weekend. I think that maybe this forum will help me to help myself and my wife. I am trying for both of us.
Posted 4/18/2009 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
HI Catman,

I am so happy that you feel confident that this forum is helping you. Everybody here is so kind and compassionate.

I truly hope the abilify helps her. I take 10 mg and that is still a low dose, but I take effexor with it. I wouldn't give it up for the world. It has made such a difference in the way that I think.

Keep posting, as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/20/2009 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
Today I am really miserable. I think I have emotionally hit rock bottom.
It is going onto four consecutive weeks, were my husband has been withdrawn, moody, you name it, from our family.

But I recently found out that he is not this way when at work or with his "friends" at work. Most days he jokes, laughs and has a good day.
We recently hung out with his friend and her husband. I found out he has secluded me not only emotionally, physically, but also has excluded me from what is going on in his life.
I feel that work and his friends at work are his top priority, and he puts all is emotional and physical energy into it. His kids are on a sliding scale depending how they are acting that day. I am low priority if I even make the list. I have expressed my needs, and he has made no attempts to make me feel wanted, or needed. I really do not know if he loves me any more
He treats me like a dude "that is his new endearment for me" that he is rooming with.
I am so stuck, I confess how I feel...the gulf gets bigger. I keep quite and I become absolutely miserable.
He started new meds this week, but I hope I do not have to wait 3 months to see a change in him. I fear that even after the three months he will still be the same towards me.
How much more of this can I handle. I have been dealing with this for over 6 months. I fell like I am trying to keep from drowning.

Post Edited (lonelymoma) : 4/20/2009 11:36:34 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/20/2009 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonelymama,

It takes four to six weeks for an antidepressant to work at it's best. But you might see improvement sooner than that. I hope so.

In the meantime is there things you can do to fill that void, such as going out with some friends, or maybe taking a walk with the kids. It is so hard living with a depressed spouse. But don't give up, things will get better. It just takes time and work. I am glad that he is starting on medications, they have really helped me.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/20/2009 10:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonely,

I am so sorry for your sadness and frustration. It must be really hard to know that your husband is like a different person at work, when you so much want him to be like that at home. I can't help but wonder if all his energy is going into putting on this mask with others outside the home so that no one else will know about his depression. Workplaces can be less-than-understanding when it comes to illnesses of all sorts, especially mental or emotional problems, and perhaps he is trying to hide his depression there for fear that it will affect his standing at his job. Believe me, I am not trying to make excuses or anything like that, because I know how much pain you are in, and how you feel that you and the kids should come first (I would feel the same way). I'm glad that he is on new meds now, and I pray that they will change things very soon. Please don't give up hope, Lonely. It does take time, but I do believe he wants to get better. In the meantime, try to take Karen's advice about filling the void. You really need to do whatever you can to take care of yourself and keep yourself going during this tough time. ((hugs))
Posted 4/21/2009 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Karen,

Thanks for your support. Any idea how long it should take for the Abilify to help? Do you think 5 mg will make any difference?
Posted 4/22/2009 2:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Catman,

Yes 5mg helps, that is what I started with. I do take 10 now, but I was told some people take 40. I really do hope that it works for you. Don't give up. Even ten is a low dose.

Best wishes for a lovely day for you.

Hugs, Karen
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