Need Help!

I really don't know where else this would fit.

I have panic attacks, anxiety, severe depression, and uncontrollable anger.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I am unemployed, so I can't afford any counseling.

But, I suppose I'll explain what's been going on.
I am a 20 year old male, and engaged to the girl of my dreams. We plan to get married August 8th of this year.

I can't trust her.
I have no reason not to trust her. I know for a fact, she has not lied to me once. She takes care of me, supports me, and just has been there through everything. But, I treat her horribly.

Once I lose my temper and my anger kicks in, I literally cannot do anything about it. I start to hurt myself and she tries to stop me, but then in turn I get violent towards her. She is just trying to protect me from myself, but I use force to get her off of me. I never hit her or anything, but I have hurt her by trying to get her off of me. She doesn't understand that I can't control myself. So this is really taking a toll on us.

Also, whenever we get into arguments, if she mentions something personal about me that doesn't seem like a positive thing in my eyes, I get very defensive. I feel like she is attacking me. She swears she would never attack me personally, but I just can't seem to lower my defenses for her.

As I stated before, I have a huge trust problem. I can't even trust myself. I accuse her of things and I assume random things.

I completely hate myself for everything. I want to treat her better. She deserves better.

I keep telling her this, and I have tried leaving her because I want her to be treated better elsewhere. She continues to stay and says I am the only one for her and I complete her, and that she will be with me forever.

But, every time that I hurt her, physically on accident, or emotionally, I feel the need to punish myself physically. It's gotten down to the point where I think suicide is the only option to make her happy. I want things to change, she says I'm in control and I can change at anytime. I'm really not... it doesn't feel like that at all. I don't know what to do, and neither does she.

I'm starting not to care about anything again.
And I'm close to the edge once more.
I need help, and I'm desperate.

-Jake
PS: I typed this up fast, I've been really anxious. Sorry for any errors or out of order context. Ask questions if you need clarifying.

Edit: I am sorry but due to your content I had to remove a paragraph.  Please review rules. Thank you.

Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/21/2009 8:04:01 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Jake, i kind of have some issues similar to yours, regarding your girl friend after her saying your the only one for her etc, you need to take that as a positive, because you have someone there that loves and cares for you, with help you can get better and have a better life, and by the sounds of it your girl friend would be so supportive of you, take care

Hi Aerodrone,

Although I certainly feel great compassion for you in your suffering, I have to say that I agree with Mom9mom when she said you either need to change or leave this woman alone, for her safety. I was married to someone who had a serious anger problem, and the physical and emotional abuse I endured caused me a great deal of pain and suffering. I'm not overstating it when I say that it crippled me, on the inside and the outside, and it almost finished me off completely. I eventually gained the strength to leave this man, despite the deep love I felt for him and the dedication I had to our marriage, but it has taken me a lot of therapy and hard work to regain my self-esteem and get my life back. I am not the same person I was before that relationship, and in many ways the damage that was done will remain with me for many years to come. Please think about what I'm saying, and ask yourself if you want to do this to the woman you love. Also, ask yourself if you want to live this way, with this kind of anger and pain inside you, and such struggles with anxiety and depression. There is help out there for you, and I hope you will reach out for it. I wish you the very best in your healing.