hey folks. I've written 4/7 of my exams so far. I was able to bring my grades up into decent range going into finals, except for the course I wrote today's exam in. It went well I think, but i'll find out how well on Friday. Feelin good about
it though. Not so much my exam last Friday and the 2 I wrote yesterday. Just tryin to keep my fingers crossed and gettin ready for the next one (ie. gonna dose off here in a minute since i was up all night, then study some more tonight for tmo morning's exam)
It's been a while since I've written on here or in my journal, and I've gotten about
4 hours of sleep in 50 hrs. So I'm just gonna ramble if you all don't mind
I'm doing a bit better on the ex front. Especially since I found out she's dated 2 different guys since our breakup <4 mo's ago (is it bad that the sick part of me gets off on the fact that she basically threw herself at them and they both turned her down?). She fed me the "my life is so busy between school and work and grad school coming up. I can't handle the distance (one of these guys she's been dating actually lives almost 2 hrs further from her than me). I want to be with you, but I can't right now" and I ate every word of it. The feelings that've been running through my head over the last few months "I'm a jerk. I couldn't just accept that her life's too hectic to continue to be in the relationship. I didn't trust her when she was even willing to try to carry through. Why did I invade her privacy? If I had've just trusted her and not snooped, we'd still be together"... well, they've all turned to "I've gotta be the most gullible SOB ever. lol". Even after our breakup, i seriously believed that this guy was just a friend that she was turning to in a difficult time. bah... My feelings of guilt have turned to resent for being treated the way I was. Left to believe that it was all my doing. I realize resent isn't a healthy emotion, and I do hope that I'll eventually let go of that resent in my mind; however, for now, resent feels SOOOOOO much better than guilt.
Even with this resent though, i still send her the odd text message. I don't know why. Part of me hates her, but part of me just hates the idea of losing someone in my life. I guess I've always been like this. I'm a clinger. I put my heart in one place, even when it means just dating, and when that doesn't work out.... I have such a hard time letting go that I let time pass and these girls end up as friends. It's a trend that dates back to highschool even. I guess I really just feel pretty alone, and that's why this relationship has been so hard to get over (that, and it's been my first real one). It wasn't until this was over that I realized how alone I've been over the last few years of my life. I feel like I have nothing to come home to. I come home and talk to my parents on the internet and maybe even call them before bed. I talk to a couple of old friends turned acquaintences the odd day: I guess I just realize I don't have a real friend, and I haven't for a long time. There's people out there that care about
me, i know, but everyone's just so busy with their own lives it seems (and rightfully so) and we've all become geographically distant that it's just I dunno... I guess it's part of growing up, but I'm envious of the fact that all of my friends have people to grow up with (a boyfriend, a girlfriend and most of them live in the same city now [7 hours away]), while I'm here alone.
I've never really been alone, ever. I've never been very good at making actual CLOSE friends since my teen years. I've always had at least 1 close friend to follow since then, where I'd make acquaintenances vicariously. Never really friends of my own.
I guess I just feel I lack the identity to make friends. I've never really been into the arts. If you asked me who my favourite band was, I likely couldn't tell you since none really get me off my seat. Never painted, I've never even played an instrument. Oddly enough, I consistantly get the top mark in my Sociology essays over people that've done 4 years of university :\. In my area, boys played sports cuz that was normal. I played hockey for 10 years, but I never quite did fit into the mantra that my teammates carried about
life/girls/school/etc. I don't really play any sports any more. I don't read. I haven't considered myself part of the bar crowd ever since I was 21 (24 now); nor did I ever really feel comfortable in the setting besides just having fun dancing with friends (I'd usually go to the bar with 2-5 girls :P). Every few months though a friend will come around and we'll get plastered. Usually have a good time. I dress "normal". either a polo shirt, hoodie or long sleeve shirt with jeans. I don't religiously watch any TV shows. I haven't had the inspiration to watch any movies since the breakup. I dunno, to summarize I guess I feel I've never found my crowd, and I'm afraid to have some sort of identity cuz I don't want to be judged for it. It's stupid, I know, but that's the life of a rural-raised citizen :\. I've always wanted to break out from it somehow, but i'm not sure how. I guess all that's different about
me is I'm more accepting than most about
people breaking out of cultural norms. I guess that's what I liked about
my ex, but a lot of my more uptight friends and my immediate family found odd. "she's just WEIRD" i got all the time from my parents. i always felt like shouting back at them "well, your son's weird too!"
That brings me to thoughts I've had about
my parents as of late. Aside from doing too much for me, I kind of feel they supressed that part of me that wanted to be different. I believe wholly that I was raised well in my early childhood. A polite boy that parents liked their kids being friends will. Sadly enough, my parents are naiive enough to think that being polite is all it takes as an adult :\. I guess what bugs me most is when I think back to highschool... I was never Mr. Popular, but I was the guy that everyone knew, and liked, but never made real friends with. I always had my best friend down the street, and I'd usually have a close female friend that I'd hang out with most the time at school (there were 3-4 different ones through highschool, each of which i kinda realize in hindsight likely had a crush on me. I'm just oblivious and afraid to take that step I guess). My parents were semi-strict. They liked to know where i was, when i'd be home and didn't really like me being out all the time. They liked the idea of me being home. Even though being home was usually me being glued to my computer playing video games. That seemed to be enough for them. A couple of times, they'd even point out "you don't really have a lot of friends, do you?" I'd shrug it off and say I have a couple of close friends and that was enough for me. Later in highschool my best friend started to go down the rocky road, and i poaked my head in a bit. Started drinking most weekends, ended up finding a fun crowd to hang out with. Funny thing is, it didn't bother my parents that I'd come home at night and pass out on the couch with a puking bucket at my side (I could add stories about
bad nights of dry-heaving, or even not remembering how i passed out in one room while they woke me up in another, but i won't :P). I ran through these scenarios in my head the other day while driving to dinner, and broke into tears saying out loud "they never even stopped me". You know what i got from all of this behaviour
? "Thanks for not sneaking around about
it [k, good point. this is what has made me such an honest person, even to a fault], and it's kinda nice that you're making a lot of friends". ***? K, I went from quite possibly top 10 smartest guys in my grade (not a huge feat since it's not saying much at my highschool), to trying to pass classes; and they say "it's nice that you're getting a little more social" as if getting drunk off your ass is the best way to do that. I think they were happy that I was being a "normal" canadian in a hicktown :P. My parents aren't alcoholics by any means, but they carried the "ya, been there" attitude and understood my behaviour
and condoned it by allowing me to continue. I dunno what point i'm trying to get across here, but it just really bugs me when i look at it like this.
anyway, i've rambled enough. thanks for listening. time for bed
Post Edited (Abe12) : 4/28/2009 3:54:23 PM (GMT-6)