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Posted 4/27/2009 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
today i have really hit a wall. i don't know what's wrong with me and i feel like i do not have anyone to talk to. i am married and have been for over a year but while my husband is trying to help me through the bad times, he thinks that my reactions are a bit exaggerated. this really makes me feel terrible because i am trying to understand where this sadness and anger comes from and it is genuine. he has been supportive and remains calm through my tantrums but i think that what ever is wrong with me might destroy my marriage. i cry every day now. i have just started taking celexa for days now. i have been on meds before but was off of them for 2 years until a few days ago. i feel like i am just whining here and if it comes across like that, i apologize. i am just unable to get through this low feeling. i know i should but i have absolutely no understanding on how to get better. i am glad to be here. this is my first post. my hopes are to learn from others and communicate with people a little. so far i have cut myself off and get so upset if my husband does things without me. it's pathetic really and i know it. anyway, thanks for reading.
Posted 4/27/2009 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nixie,

Welcome to the forum. It's hard for people....spouses, other family and friends....to truly understand depression unless they have experienced it for themselves. You are not whining, my friend....you are hurting, and it's good that you came here to talk about it. Please do not call yourself pathetic or put pressure on yourself to know how to handle all of this by yourself and all at once. You mentioned you are on meds now, and were before now. Do you see anyone for counseling, or have you thought about it? You said you have cut yourself off, and I'm assuming you mean from social activities, but I wonder if you have anyone....any close friend or relative.....who you can confide in about your feelings. Please don't be so hard on yourself, Nixie......you are going through a tough time right now, and you deserve love and support.
Posted 4/27/2009 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
hello raniah,

thank you so much for your post. reading it has really been positive for me.
i am starting to get counseling again. i have tried to make appointments but fail to keep them, however, i am really trying to make a new start and that means showing up for my appointments. plus, i do realize that meds don't just work on their own.
and no, i don't have anyone that i would want to talk to about this. one friend comes to mind but i have no confidence that would allow me to share this with her. my family and i have always been emotionally distant. i really had hoped that my husband would be my confident but it doesn't seem that it's fair to him. i do not trust anyone. it's really terrible but i have no reason to not trust people. why don't i trust people? i don't think anything has happened to me that would be an obvious answer to this.
i have been on meds now for just under a week and i have a therapy appointment in 2 weeks (the soonest i could be seen). i am really thankful to be here and really appreciate your words.
Posted 4/27/2009 2:33 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nixie,

Welcome to the forum. Well it sounds to me that you are on the road to wellness. You are doing all the right things, making appointments, going on meds and coming here. There is a lot of support on this forum as you will see. Everybody is here for eachother.

It will take about four to six weeks for your medication to reach it's full effect, but in the meantime, you should start to feel better gradually. But you will get there.

Sometimes it is really hard to trust people, I am sure that there is a reason for this, you may just not be ready to open up to others, it probably makes you feel vonerable (sp). But if you don't learn to, at least to your counselor, you may become paranoid. I did, and then I realized that I would rather be hurt once in a while by people, than live paranoid. It is a terrible feeling not to trust people. So begin with your counselor, and then maybe somebody you are close to.

I think though when we get depressed we tend to seclude ourselves from others and that is okay too. You need to work on yourself first and then gradually you will feel comfortable being around others and being yourself. Which is a wonderful person, I might add. Know that you are special and good. Don't be afraid to be who you are. And like Raniah said, don't be so hard on yourself.

We are here to support you through your healing, you are off to a good start. We will help you continue.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/27/2009 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
I just want to add that one thing that can help is having someone to talk to that understand what you are feeling.That is why it is good that you found this forum.We have all been where you are at and we are all dealing with the up`s and down`s of depression.I hope we can help you.Keep on working on getting better.
Posted 4/27/2009 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Nixie,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I am so happy you found us.

Support groups are a place for people to give and receive both emotional and practical support as well as to exchange information. People with health conditions, as well as their friends and families find support groups to be a valuable resource and get confirmation that their feelings are "normal", educate others, or just let off steam. IMHO joining a support group is joining a family. Coming here and talking with us is a positive sign that you are on the track to healing.

When your fears and depression have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them.

Take advantage of the help that is available around you. If possible, talk to a professional who can help you manage your fears and anxieties. They will be able to provide you with additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem. By talking to a professional, you  will be helping yourself  in the long run because you  will become better able to deal with your problems in the future. Managing your fears and anxieties takes practice. The more you practice, the better you will become.

Keep that next appointment with your therapist.

Again a warm welcome and keep on talking with us.  We care.

Kitt
Posted 4/27/2009 5:09 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Nixie,

I'm glad you're starting to get counseling again.  I know it can be hard to get out there and attend your appointments, but you will ultimately feel better keeping them, knowing that you have followed through with a commitment to yourself.  It's like telling yourself that you're worth the effort!  :-)

You're right....it can be hard to trust people enough to share your feelings of depression and sadness.  That's what is good about seeing a counselor, in my opinion, because he/she is qualified to identify ways in which you can help yourself, and is trained to be a good listener.  It's natural, I think, to want your husband to be your confidant, but I also know that sometimes when people care about us a great deal, it is hard for them to handle seeing us hurt when they don't know exactly how to help us. 

Since you have a couple of weeks before your therapy appointment, I want to suggest something for you to consider.  I have found that keeping a journal, with notes of my thoughts and feelings, is a good way of releasing the negative emotions that go along with depression.  It also gives your therapist an idea of what issues to address with you, should you decide to share some of your notes with him/her.  I often make a list of things I want to talk about before my therapy appointments, because I find that if I'm feeling a little anxious on appointment day, it gives me something to work from, and it reminds me of the things that are top priority for me at that time.

I hope you will continue to post here.  I have found that talking with others on this forum is a really good way to get things out in the open, and it makes me feel that I am not alone.

 

Posted 5/3/2009 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
thanks to everyone who posted greetings and their suggestions and support.
it's been a week now and nothing has really changed. i was able to get a therapist appointment sooner and so wednesday will be that day. i am looking forward to it because so far i've been trying to just close off my feelings, tried not to cry everyday (and failed)... i need someone who might be able to tell me the skills needed in order to cope with self hatred. my husband is often with me but today he had to go to a friends house for a birthday party. i hate these people but it's not so much for anything they've done. i just feel so ugly and awkward when around them and i feel so bad because he wants me to be a part of his life and wants to arrive with his wife. i feel like a complete failure as a wife and as he was leaving today i just felt like walking as far away from the apartment and never coming back. i just feel like i am bad news. there is no real reason for me to feel so terribly when around other people. i just get paranoid and very very dark. i wish i was a social person. i wish i would smile more but it's difficult and the more i see how difficult it is for me the more i fall further. i just hope it's a "bad patch" that i am going through today but why does it happen everyday? multiple times? what's the point of living if there is only misery. well, again thanks for reading.
Posted 5/3/2009 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
There is a huge point to your living. You are a very special person. Right now I think you need to work on your self image. You need to learn to love yourself. But don't beat yourself up if you don't desire to be around other people. I am perfectly happy by myself. I don't socialize a lot, and I like it that way. So maybe you just don't care to socialize and that is fine. But I really think that you should mention this to your counselor, and see if they can help you with that. In the meantime, keep posting as we are here for you. Remember that you are a good person and you are a good wife, you are just struggling right now.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/3/2009 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
thank you karen. i appreciate your words and taking the time to write. i really don't think that i am a special person. my patience level is zero and i have the worst things to say and think about everyday people. i live in a very populated city and so i do try to take into consideration that it might be the environment but still... i am so quick to negativity. i just want to be a happy person or at least content. i want to have ideas and ambition but it seems its all gone. i do need to work on my self image. i am 36 and still feel like i am 15 when it comes to confidence. i am so tired of feeling this way. how long can i last with this? that's what i wonder today.
Posted 5/4/2009 12:39 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Nixie, all that the others have said are what I would tell you.  First of all you are a very valuable person. You have a husband who loves you, I am sure.  This may be hard for him now as he probably doesn't understand what depression is or feels like.  Can you talk to your therapist about how to approach your husband on this subject?  I think if you keep up with the counseling and taking your meds you will see improvement.  The meds take awhile to work so give it time. If you feel the need to talk come on here and post your thoughts. There is always someone here to answer you and help you work through a problem.   One thing that may help you to feel better is to walk everyday.  You don't have to go far, just around your neighborhood.  But walking at a good steady pace helps release the endorphins in your brain and that in turn helps you to feel better.  Try to do at least one thing each day that you can say is an accomplishment.  I don't mean anything big, maybe just getting your bed made or getting the dishes out of the sink or doing a load of laundry will help.  Do something where you can say to yourself I have accomplished this and I am going to be fine today.  Try not to think about the past.  The past is gone.  Live just for this present day and don't worry about tomorrow.  If you have any hobbies or things you like to do that may help.  Maybe you like to read or do sports.  I am just tossing out a few suggestions to help you through your days. Please know that this is a very caring and comforting forum and we are here to support you.  I wish you the very best and hope that you will take very good care of yourself.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 5/4/2009 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nixie,
I'm new to the forums but, as man recovering from clinical depression and generalized anxiety, I thought I'd pass on some thoughts. There's so much that I'd like to tell you about my "journey" but will limit myself, for now, to a few thoughts which might help you where you are now:
1. There's so much that professional counselors, Drs and Psychiatrists can do to help with your situation. Getting the meds right for me was the most helpful. But they just got me to a point where I could deal with the underlying issues through counseling, talking with friends and my wife, and my own reflection.
2. The med(s) you take may change over the coming months as your Dr/Psych. try to figure out what works best. I found that any med transition (up, down, add, delete) was difficult. But when we got the combo right (Cymbalata, Celexa and Buspar for me), I got my life back, the "fog" began to lift.
3. One of the things depressed people engage in (unwittingly) is distorted thinking (I know one pastor who calls it "stinkin' thinkin'). This became more clear as I began to rise above the "fog" when the meds began to have the desired effect. So, it helps to try to trust your health professional's guidance more and try not to rely too heavily on your own beliefs or fears that keep you from following their guidance. This may seem counter-intuitive but I can attest to it.

Hope this helps. Do see the counselor or any other health professional he/she recommends. You WILL start to feel better eventually.
Danno

Post Edited (DannoCracker) : 5/3/2009 7:52:17 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/4/2009 2:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nixie,

You've received great advice from the others about raising your self-esteem and finding ways to have a sense of accomplishment. I also thought that DannoCracker's comments about distorted thinking were appropriate to your situation (and applicable to most of us who suffer from depression!). I want to wish you well on your upcoming appointment on Wednesday, and I hope it will bring you some hope and some comfort. Stick with us, and please continue to let us know how you're doing. We really do care.
Posted 5/4/2009 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hi DannoCracker,

Welcome to the forum! I really enjoyed reading your post, and I must say, it was full of good advice and valuable information. I hope you will continue to post with us, and also hope you will share a bit of your story with us, too, when you feel the time is right. :-)
Posted 5/4/2009 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
it really is amazing the warmth in the response postings. i am not really used to posting myself so it's quite unusual and rewarding to see that others really are there and really are reading and have thoughts to share. i too would like to hear more of your story, dannocracker. you seem to be coming from somewhere that is able to assess a situation, or at least much more than i can. i appreciate your advice and would welcome more in future days.
raniah, you are right. i have received great advice, yours included and definitely have something to think about to help my mind set and stop hindering it. i am looking forward to my appointment. i have been through therapy before but what it seemed like to me was a bunch of trying different meds... never ending combination. i have hope though. i have to try otherwise it will never change. thanks all.
Posted 5/4/2009 2:25 PM (GMT 0)

Nixie,

You are only a few days away from you therapist appointment so please hold on to that thought. 

I have lived with depression for 27 years and I have had mostly really good times.  Of course it is the bad times we fear.  You will learn how to deal with your fears in therapy and how to increase your self esteem. 

If you have a high level of self esteem you will be confident, happy, highly motivated and have the right attitude to succeed. We are here to help you reach your goals.

Remember people with high self-esteem:
1. Have confidence in themselves.
2. Have ability to solve problems rather than just worry about them.
3. Have the ability to confront or eliminate the things that frighten them.
4. Have the ability to take reasonable risks and take those risks.
5. Nurture themselves.

I wish you peace,

Kitt

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