Thats in no particular order and if so, GOD would be first. I've been involved with music and church all my life. my mother and grandparents are christian and Ive been a devoted believer since i can remember. My grandparents got me into piano lessons at about 5 years old. Ive been going to church since I can remember, before 5.
I quit playing at 16 because I had no life, but school, piano lessons and church and at 16 there's a bunch of other things to do as you well know. Go figure my grandparents didnt like that, made it really tough on me and so I ran away and quit school in the 12th grade. The reason I wasnt with my mother is she lived in a pretty tough area and she was addicted to drugs.
My father wasnt around, I saw him maybe three times growing up and not at all after I was 8. So now theres a pretty good kid, out on the streets, living from friend to friend house, sneaking in at night and new to the streets. I didnt have any money, so reluctantly I started , just so I could buy food and have money for transportation, buses and cabs.
Hanging out with the wrong crowd I began smoking good old . I didnt like it at first but after awhile I did because it made me forget about my problems. Now at 17 Im on the streets, and began drinking. Again at first I didnt like it, but after awhile it seemed great. I was cooler, more courage, starting to fit in and I no longer worried about what my grandparents thought. I was on my own.
I wish I would have had a different life! At 18 I moved back in with my mom and witness the terrible affect drugs had on her, it made me sick at night truthfully looking at my life. Just a year earlier, I had a 3.5 GPA, was thinking about college and a career, good friends, clean sober, church going weekly and great piano player. They use to call me Mistro. I won a lot of awards and played at a lot of events growing up.
Now my life was in a dark spiral. I started drinking and more to cover up the deep pain I had. Little did I know, I was in my first depression. I lived this life for 2 years. Blackouts every night. I would hope I wouldnt wake up, so in essence I was killing myself slowly.
At 20 I fortunately got my act together enough to get my GED, but a job was hard to come by. Interviews, minimum wage salary, it was not the easy money I had come to know. Remind you, I'm still praying through all my tough times, asking GOD for direction, but the and alcohol made it difficult to receive the signal from my only Father (In Heaven).
Disgusted with the fact of selling and the affect it had on those I served, my conscience finally got a hold of me and at 21 I actually stopped. Thank you (note to self). Not like I looked for a job, it was hard at this point, I was so far off into the depression. I had moments of clarity, but not enough to sustain a positive life.
I had jobs and would hold them for 3 for 4 months sometimes a little longer, but eventually what I realize now, is the depression would have me quit. I thought I was lazy. Im actually not. Ive battled this disease for quite sometime without knowing it and it nearly killed me.
I was always into music as I said and just because I stopped playing piano, didnt mean I stopped loving music. I continued as a producer and performer. I actually made it nationally with a known performer, had a video and did some small touring. Of course my drug use didnt let me capitalize on any opportunity at a solo career. I was drunk and so at every show. My thing was nerves, I would get so high that I wouldnt be nervous and just perform, I dont remember half the performances.
I came back and for years made demos, which were really good, so the people around me said and I thought, but never got a break. at 25 I had my first kid, the begining of the best thing that ever happened. You'll find out why I said that shortly.
Dont get tired yet, were almost at the end. I did this for 3 years, every weekend was a party and if not, we made it. A few friends, some chicks, some drinks and music and life seemed great. I cant believe how Ive wasted my life. Ive now been drinking a lot of alcohol for 8-9 years and without realizing it, become an addict.
My second baby girl was born, reflection has hit. Im living in my mothers one bedroom apartment, me, my two kids and my girlfriend. OKAY GOD, I NEED HELP!!! I mean where was this going to go. My music wasnt working, I needed to clean myself up! Got a gym membership, got somewhat sober, I still battle till today, but this time I had to!
Got a job at a warehouse and finally moved out!! Thank you again. I worked in the warehouse everyday and loved it! I loved the people, I loved my apartment, I loved being sober with an occasional party, but heck that ok. I loved my kids, this was life. Continued to do my music and get better, then depression hit about a year later.
Started getting really down, this time I was sober so it couldnt be withdrawls. See before I thought my depression was either the , or not enough of it, but this time I was sober and started getting those feelings. I wasnt going to go smoke or drink this time, just work out and stay focused. That worked for awhile, but then it got darker. Deep down I still wanted more than a warehouse job, although it was great.
I went to the doctor this time and said, Doc I need help. I dont know whats wrong. I dont want to be down but I am, he asked the general questions and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. WHAT??? You have to be kidding, this is REAL? He prescribed Prozac and therapy. I reluctantly tried the prozac and follow the directions. I wanted to do anything but go back to my old ways of smoking and drinking and if this is what the doctor ordered, that must be ok.
I STARTED FEELING BETTER AFTER about A MONTH! Life didnt seem bad at all again. I went to Real Estate School and got my license. Had me first baby boy, number 3 and started investing in real estate and BOY DID IT PAY OFF! I Made more money than I ever thought I could have. I was buying and selling properties like a pro. After all, I did sell and used the same formula. Buy it, fix it and sale it. This was legal my life was going great!!!
All the prayers and believing started to work once I cleared the signals. I did this for two years, bought a Million Dollar Home with a Pool, had my fourth another son, I thought my past was behind me. Occassionally I would drink, sometimes get drunk, but I was working out, it was no longer every week celebrating, just a few times out the year to get away from the kids or travel.
I was doing my music, buying property out of state, then RECESSION!!!! DEPRESSION!!! I lost all my properties, I mean for a year I tried to sale the properties I had, but lenders wouldnt lend, even to the qualified buyers I had. I spent $400,000 that year to 18 months trying to sale and fix up properties to sale before I lost them all.
I finished an album, shot a $100,000 video and thought that would be my way to continued success. BOY WAS I WRONG! The video was great, the song was great, I paid a guy my last $30,000 just about for radio promotion. Paid my mortgage for a few more months, the bank started taking money out my account and suddenly I was dead broke. The radio promotor ran off with all my money, now there was just a video with no support.
I figured record labels would jump at the chance of not having to spend money on a video, just promotion. BOY WAS I WRONG AGAIN!! Labels said, "thats a great song and video, get some radio play and we'll get behind you". WHAT? Incase you didnt know, the record companies are so scared these days to invest because of all piracy and lack of sales. If you dont have your own thing going, forget it.
I lost my house, my BMW and the repo man has been tracking me down about my truck for months. I moved into a small apartment, have another baby girl do next month and broke. With the last money I had, I paid our rent for 6 months because no one would rent to us because of the foreclosures and credit.
Im back in that dark place looking for help. about dying a lot, Im $650,000 in debt, I have a GED, its a recession so people are losing there jobs, I have 4 kids and one coming and see no way out. I know this was long, but it feels a little better to have shared this. Maybe I can last another few days or week. I really want to see my baby born, so Im trying to stick around for that.
I believe in GOD, but last week I got so drunk I passed out. Feels like Im back to my old ways and when I am, the signal isnt there. Im trying to cope, Im back in the gym, but this time Im really lost.
May GOD BLESS THOSE THAT READ THIS!!!
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 4/30/2009 6:32:44 AM (GMT-6)