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Posted 5/20/2009 1:29 AM (GMT 0)
So I've been off the effexor now for over a week, had no problems getting off of it because I wasn't on it very long. They prescribed celexa. I got it filled Sat and I honestly don't want to take it. It's weird because I haven't really had any extremes with being depressed or with my anxiety. I don't want to take the celexa because I guess I'm just too confused about things and I feel like all I have to do is DO something about myself. I don't really have a life outside of my house, my SO doesn't have a life outside of work, we are young and I don't know what we are doing. I'm not grasping my purpose in life and I haven't felt any enjoyment out if it lately. I feel like I live in the middle of no where and I miss my family a lot. Why has it been so hard to figure out what to do with myself, my life just stopped 3yrs ago and I can't find a way out. I did a lot of scrambling to find a new counselor and I only went twice to her and just stopped going. I feel like I'm not in control of my life and that it's controlling me. I feel like I should have plans, goals and to prepare for the future. But I'm exisiting, living the same thing everyday. It all sounds depressing but I really don't feel low, I'm just confused and at a stand still of what to do next. Thanks for listening.
Posted 5/20/2009 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Wish, I'm sorry you stopped going to your counselor....did she not seem like a good fit for you? The reason I am bringing this point up is because you seem to be expressing a need to find yourself whether on or off meds, and sometimes counseling can really be beneficial. Sometimes it just takes the right person to ask you the right questions. I hope you'll reconsider. In the meantime, you have my compassion and my concern. ((hugs))
Posted 5/20/2009 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
hi wish dream hope.

it sounds like a chess game, one where you and the other player are taking the same peices, thus you end up with 2 kings each, stale mate. this happened to me also, so i understand. i would suggest that your situation is very isolating, need to get out of the four walls!! what are the things you really enjoyed b4 the depression took hold? seems you need some distraction and purpose. there are many ways to skin a cat!! what are yours? i would take the med, if it does eventually assist you, then this is a positive. therapy, yeah, i understand that at times you would rather not go, maybe a support group, i did grow for many years, extremely helpful, they are all over the world, and practice loving compassion, whilst you are learning about yourself and others.

luv, peace and harmony to you.

jamie

Posted 5/20/2009 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
Thank guys seriously even though I'm not much for words right now the responses mean a lot. The support group sounds appealing to me, I think that might be a good thing. I'll have to look into it. I know theres a lot of things I need to do trust me I do, like get out more but I don't understand what it's going to take if you get my drift, because it's been 3yrs and I look around to find nothing has changed.
Posted 5/20/2009 7:50 AM (GMT 0)
how to do it. prioritise!!!!! start with small steps, even baby ones, each step u acheive will add to your confidence, oh yeah there will be kinks in the road, that is life! - yet by starting small the risks will be lessened, and as you take bigger steps you will have the preceeding ones to keep you motivated. little steps, no reward without risk.

fightin' the battle with ya!! good on you for recognising what is happening, this is a recovery step in itself. hope there is a grow group where you are!! blessings, jamie

Posted 5/20/2009 11:52 AM (GMT 0)

Hope,

Just stopping in to lend you my support and hope you do consider looking for a new counselor that may be a better fit for you.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 5/20/2009 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
This may not be as life changing for you as it was me but when I was young and married I went through a period of depression for about 6 months and felt exactly like you. I saw a therapist and he said something that changed everything for me. He said "Tony, there are only two things in this life that you absolutely have to do. One is be born and the other is die. Everything in between that is a choice that you get to make." And he was right. I was making choices to please everybody but me......until that moment. I got a new job that I liked, I got divorced and I started finding out who I was. I found out I was a fun guy and made lots of friends and some of them are still friends. That was 30 years ago!!! It's not selfish to be good to yourself and be happy. Find what makes you happy and go for it with conviction. Best wishes, Tony
Posted 5/23/2009 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Well I decided to take the celexa today....I really don't have a choice but to take it because if I don't I know things won't improve. Atleast I am starting on a low dose 10mgs. I'm supposed to take the 10mgs for a week then go up to 20mgs. But if I think that I need to stay on 10mgs longer before going up I will make that decision myself. It's just so strange because I've just been feeling so whatever to everything. I just don't care about anything and have no feelings about anything. I feel numb. Sometimes I feel so tired of everything. I am so tired of our life together....so tired of the same routine everyday....so tired of going back and forth about wanting to get married and not wanting to. I'm tired of feeling like we are different creatures. Tired of answering the phone when he calls and his mood is so happy go lucky and I am flat.....He's such a jokester that loves to play around all the time and all it does is annoy me. At night time when we are laying in bed he's asleep and I'm still awake wondering and thinking, I look over and feel nothing. Sometimes I think I don't go and do things to get out because it's a pain to take my son with me.....It would be no fun for him to be in a cart while mommy looks around in a store....I don't want to take him to the park because all I would do is sit there and have a flat personality, here he is having fun and mommy can't really enjoy anything......I lay in bed most nights dreading the next day.....I don't want to be here with my son, I love him so much and he's so attached to me but I feel so helpless ensuring that he gets the enjoyment he needs....I know it probably sounds so stupid and so easy to fix.....

I miss my family especially my mom. We have both seen eachother through some hard times and sometimes I wished she was down the street from me. I feel like I need her and she needs me (her marriage is on the rocks right now). Things just suck right now. And tony your right I should try and do the things that make me happy I have a idea but I wrote enough for now......Thanks for always listening everybody!
Posted 5/23/2009 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hope,

Sometimes when we do things for others, such as your son, we get enjoyment in other ways. Please take him to the park and shopping with you. But you still have to do good things for yourself.

I think once the medication kicks in, that you will start to feel better. One day at a time. In the meantime keep posting as we are here for you.

I wish you a wonderful day filled with enjoyment and happiness.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/23/2009 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry for the way things sound in my post, I'm just depressed today and feeling so alone.... cry
Posted 5/23/2009 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
Don't feel bad about being depressed, that is what the forum is for, so that you can write things down and get them off of your chest. Somehow it makes us feel a little better.

Remember that you are such a special person. Give yourself permission to feel bad. Embrace it and go with the flow of things. We just seem to have crappy days once in a while. You will get through this. We will help you through to the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't mention that often because I am a little claustrophobic. I picture this long small tunnel with a peak of light at the other end. I would probably stay in the dark before I went through it. So I will say that you will find the light to take away the shadows. And you will. This could be something hormonal, I have a lot of problems with that. I can always tell when I am going to cycle, and it isn't regular.

I really and truly hope that you feel better. Maybe you should try to take your little one for a brief walk. Walking always helps me. I try to go every day. Though it has been quite hot lately and I haven't been going. I am going to try this evening seeing it is a little cooler today.

Keep posting, I will most likely be around this weekend. I would love to hear more from you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/23/2009 9:00 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Hope,

I am sorry you are in a tough place yet and I do understand.  I hate to tell you this but it took me a good year to pull out of my worse episode of depression and I am now off the AD for the first time in 25 years, it has been over 2 months and I am maintaining most of the time. 

I do feel some depression but I know it is my own fears and I fight back.

I guess I do not post a lot of  sweet posts as I usually try to look at the problem and then stay focused on the issues members are having.

I have found that dealing with your issues head on if you can is the best way to overcome your fears.

When your fears have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Instead of focusing on doom, stay in the moment. Give yourself breathing space. Consider what matters to you. Establish a few manageable goals, then take small steps toward achieving them. Don’t try to stop everything at once as you may be setting yourself up for failure.

Please know coming here is a wonderful and courageous step. You are voicing your fears so you know what they are.  Now start setting goals and work on them one at a time.

You have my support and please know that we will help you through this tough road you are traveling.

Hugs to you

Kitt

Posted 5/24/2009 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen and Kitt, your words are of wisdom and give me hope. You have made me feel better. I talked with my mom for almost 2hrs so that has made me feel even better. I think your right Karen I just needed to let myself have a bad day and cry. I also have had some insight to whats really bothering me, I think that I have become dependant on my SO in a lot of ways. I really just need to grab a hold of my life and myself and start doing what makes me happy. And to not be afraid to have some sort of a life whether or not he wants to participate. I need to feel a sense of independancy and start doing things even if he doesn't want to.....Or leave our son with him and I'll go do whatever for a few hours. I really think having my own independancy is a big part of my issues.  Your post Kitt makes so much sense, I really do believe I have a lot of fears. And your right,  to take some baby steps to start moving past them. All of you have put light into my depressed mood I have been in. And my mom empowered me. I can't put it all into words right now but I feel better (right now) and I think I know what I need to do, to get myself moving forward.  I'm also going to a friends house on Monday, we have known eachother for 10yrs shes like family and unfortunately we both don't travel to see eachother much. I'm going to spend time with her and her family.....I might even spend the night and my son can play with his "cousins". I'll be looking forward to it!
Posted 5/24/2009 2:00 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you have a good plan. I think that seeing your friend will be good for you. And for your son. Make sure you let us know how that goes. I really and truly hope that you have a splendid time.

Taking baby steps is a good thing. Just keep moving forward, but if you do have a not so good day. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I think finding your own independance is wonderful too. You get to know yourself and learn to do things without depending on somebody else to make you happy. You are your own person and you are a good person. Always remember that.

Best wishes for a good night.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/24/2009 12:09 PM (GMT 0)
agree with karen's last post. keep fightin' and remember we care. jamie
Posted 5/26/2009 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Just wanted to say that I went to my friends house yesterday it was fun and I'm glad that I went. My son had fun too. I didn't feel as relaxed as I wanted to because I felt too far from home (it's a hour and half drive). But am glad that I did it. She was very supportive about my situation right now and with her advise along with my moms, I feel like things make sense. It gives me some encouragement as well. I am going to get my butt down to the college and find out what I want to go to school for. I need to start doing things to make myself happy and give myself a life. Stop taking everyday for granted and try to get over my fear of feeling stuck. I need to find me because I don't know what happened to my old self. I think that I just needed to have a bad moment and feel support from others, I needed the encouragement to keep trying.....

Posted 5/26/2009 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
That is the best thing that I have heard all day Hope. I am so happy that you are going to try to do nice things for yourself. And this is constructive too. So that makes it better. We are all behind you so know that and keep that in mind when you go to the college. Imagine us all standing behind you. This is a wonderful decision that you have made and I think you are going to be glad that you made it. What do you think that you want to study? Let us know.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/27/2009 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Wish, You sound very strong and positive in your post, and I'm so glad for you. Please keep us posted. As Karen said, we're all behind you!
Posted 5/28/2009 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
I took a step today, went to the college and I have an appt for a assessment and to sit down with a advisor on June 9th. I also went down and got a key to our community pool. I'm taking my son swimming tomorrow he's going to love it!.....My SO and I also have plans to check out the YMCA that's down the street this weekend and possibly get a membership. I'm trying to get back on the road again after hitting a bump! Feeling a little bit of hope......Hope everybody is doing ok, thanks for being here for me!
Posted 5/28/2009 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Wish, You have every right to feel hope, and I am so happy to see that you are making plans and moving ahead with life. I hope you and your son have a wonderful time swimming tomorrow! I absolutely love to swim.....it's my favourite form of exercise. It's also great that you and your SO are checking into the Y.....that could be a really fun thing to do together, and exercise is so great for body, mind and spirit. I am really glad you're doing these things, and I wish you all the best with your college plans, too. I hope it goes really well with the advisor. You should give yourself a huge pat on the back for all of this - you totally deserve it!
Posted 5/31/2009 8:51 AM (GMT 0)
yeah   yeah yeah yeah yeah jamie!!!!
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