i really think i need help

Lately i've been really depressed, i don't want to be with people and i don't want to go places. I have become so close to one of my best friends. Every time she comes over i don't want her to leave because i'm afraid of losing her forever [partly because within my 14 years of life i've lost 13 loved ones.. i'm afraid of losing another person] but every day we plan on just hanging out it becomes a 4 day sleepover because im always afraid to be alone.. it's actually really sad i absolutely hate the feeling and idk what to do anymore.. i dont want to hang out with anyone but my one friend, i quit cheering which i used to love to do.. i dont like leaving my house.. im a train wreck and i think i rly need help i cant talk to my parents though because they dont understand me and idk its really hard any advice??

thanks xx

SS-
I think Raniah gave you some good ideas. I do hope you can get some help & get to feeling better. Please try whatever ideas you're comfortable with. I'd like to offer a few more in case you're interested...

Have you tried talking with your friend's parents? Sometimes talking with adults who aren't our own parents can be easier. It seems like you're really comfortable with your friend & I'm wondering whether you might feel okay about talking with her mom or day.

Also, you might think about talking with a counselor at your school. They have lots of experience helping people with the exact same things you are going through. They are used to working with young people & generally have some pretty good ideas. A lot of our other members have said that they really felt their school counselors were easy to talk to & were really helpful to them.

I'm not really sure what else to suggest, but you have been through a lot of loss & it is perfectly reasonable that you would be so fearful of losing yet another person. But, as you seem to be discovering, fear can become paralyzing & keep us from living our own lives. Even though it is really hard to reach out for help, in the end that help leads us to become happier, healthier, free-er people & we (or I at least) realize that it is well worth the moment of fear & struggle to get help for ourselves in order to be able to live the kinds of lives we want to.

take care,
Frances

Ella,
Sometimes counselors are known by different names. They could be called: social workers, guidance counselors or campus ministers. Sometimes "deans" are even trained as counselors -- plus they tend to know a lot of the students. If there is a teacher that you trust, perhaps you could ask your teacher, or even slip him/her a note when handing in your assignments asking whether there is anyone other than the priest that you could talk to.

If the priest is the only person at your school who is trained in counseling, you might try letting him know that you are concerned that other students will find out & not be accepting of you. School staff can be pretty creative coming up with ways to keep your meetings private. I have worked in a catholic school in the past & when students really needed to talk to someone we would set up something where they were assigned a "helper job" like collecting attendance, making announcements, leading prayer or some other such job to where the students were able to get out of class for a time without other students knowing the real reason why. If I had to guess, I would imagine the school is already doing something like that for some of your classmates & you don't even realize it. I would still encourage you to try to reach out to someone to at least see if there isn't some kind of arrangement that can be made to keep your meetings private.

best wishes,
Frances

Ella,
I think it would be fine to take a friend with for the first visit (assuming your friend is okay going with you). I know when I was 17 & needed to see my high school's social worker, the first time I went to see her, my best friend came over on her lunch break to go with me b/c I was so nervous. Then, when she had an issue & had to go to the police for something, I went with her. As long as your friend is comfortable with that, I don't see where the problem would be. You can ask her ahead of time; if she would be okay going with you, you can plan out your time/strategy for how & when you would go together to talk with the minister.

Do realize that it may not be possible for your friend to go with every time, but if you feel less nervous taking her with the first time I think that would probably be okay. :)

peace,
frances

Ella,
I don't think he will be judgmental of you. I would like to add that sometimes I misinterpret the faces that people make. A lot of time when people are confused, I misinterpret that as them being angry with me. I am wondering whether maybe you are experiencing something similar when you see the minister showing different facial expressions. But beyond natural expressions that are part of being human, I really doubt he would think anything less of you. I'm sure your friend could probably tell you a little better since she's talked to him before so maybe it's worth asking her whether he seemed judgmental of her situation.

Your friend may be right that the minister may want to ask her how she is doing after he finishes talking with you. It is natural for people to want to check in with others when they know that person was going through a hard time. So, that is a possibility. Maybe what you can do is offer to be there to support your friend if she is upset by the minister asking her how she is doing. That way you are both being good friends to each other.

Even if you're worried that you won't be comfortable meeting with him individually, I would encourage you to at least meet with him once. Maybe there are group sessions that he hosts that you could get involved with if that is more comfortable for you. Otherwise, I think it could be really good practice for you to try going to meet with him one-on-one. You don't have to do that right now, but try to remember that you have plenty of practice talking with people & I'm sure you will be fine. You have been very social in the past & are certainly capable of managing it. I know you are going through a really, really hard time right now & it sounds like you are very anxious about being with people.

What I would suggest is trying to focus your memories of cheering or any other fun things or relaxing things that you used to enjoy. You might even try reciting an affirmation (like "I am a friendly person & others enjoy being around me.") or bible verse (something uplifting like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." or "Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer & supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God & the peace of God will be with you always."). Whatever works for you. Just keep repeating the sentence over & over in your head until either you get through the activity or the anxiety goes away.

Just like cheering, as you get more & more practice, it will get easier for you to get through activities without so much anxiety.

Hope that helps!

blessings,
Frances

Ella,
I will take a fresh look at your questions in the morning.

For tonight, let me just suggest that you try to practice those relaxation techniques I mentioned earlier -- either focusing on a mental video (like remembering how happy you were when you were cheering or such) or focusing on a "mantra" (repeating either in your head or out loud a calming or encouraging phrase).

Nothing you are saying you are feeling seems especially abnormal to me. I do think you could be helped by talking to a professional, but that does come with some vulnerability. Try not to get too far ahead of yourself. Why not go with your friend to see the minister & see how things go? If you're still too stressed out after that, you can always post again here to the Forum.

As far as how to handle your friend not wanting to talk more with the minister -- is she not doing well? If she's okay, I think if she is asked how she's doing, she could just say she's okay & that would be the end of it. If she's not okay, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing for a caring adult to ask how she's doing & to offer to help.

sweet dreams,
Frances :)

Hi SS,

It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed right now. You have a lot of unanswered questions. So I think that is even more reason for you to see somebody professional. Try to take life as it comes and do check into the relaxation techniques that Frances has mentioned to you. It would be good for your friend to talk to somebody too. She is also going through a lot right now.

I wish you both the best.

Hugs, Karen

Most therapy or counseling is kept confidential. But I am not positive about that. You can ask before you start talking and let them know that you don't want to add anymore stress to your parents.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

When you say a danger to myself do you mean like a possibility of hurting myself like suicidal or danger as in if i don't get help this could get a lot worse and end up bad..
The only true thing i'm afraid of [when telling my parents] is that my mom is really judgmental and she will never treat me the same after this.. she also can't keep a secret and will tell someone and it will most likely spread through the school.. do you think if i just did nothing it could turn out awful? or is there a possiblity of it correcting itself?!

Thank you Sarah:]
I feel the same way as you i'm just not fully at the point of really 'believing' yet. but I'm getting there:]
I'm going to a camp in a couple of weeks that is a Christian camp and i'll try to think a lot harder about what you said:] thanks!

what would a circumstance be to where the person you're talking to would have to tell someone else about the discussions? i can do things like get on a subway or bus.. what do you have in mind though? would my parents know if i were to go see someone?

oh makes sense now. thank you. i really think i might tell my mum tomorrow... idk maybe not everything just tell her i need help? i dont know why but i feel like i should [first time i've ever thought this] it's odd. and okay thank you soooo soooo much!!!

ella xx