Forbidden Love...Complications Indeed.

Cedabug,

I want to support you, but I must admit that I am a bit concerned about the relationship. Putting that aside, it is really unrealistic to say that you could get emancipated. I used to counsel youth on that process in different states & it is nearly impossible for anyone younger than 17 to get emancipated. It is very, very difficult even for 17-year-old youths to get emancipated. It is a long & costly court process to do that. You have to be able to show that you on your own have the ability to cover all your expenses -- housing, food, clothing, laundry, health insurance/medical expenses, transportation, utilities, etc. -- that you are able to make complicated decisions about life issues on your own or that you are able reliably turn to a number of knowledgeable advisers for assistance, that you have been able to hold down a stable job for an extended period of time (typically a minimum of 12-15 months) and that you are emotionally healthy & mature enough to handle living on your own. There is no reversal once the decision to emancipate is made (i.e., if you somehow can't afford to live on your own, your parents can't be forced to help you), so judges take the cases very seriously. Generally, the only people who are approved for emancipation are teen celebrities who usually get emancipated for tax or legal purposes, rather than to find a way to overrule their parents' wishes.

I do want to support you and let you know that there are people who genuinely care about you. I think your boyfriend is probably just going through normal teenage stress. Maybe you could try taking a few days apart for both of you to cool off & think things through. From my experience, situations like the one you describe (esp. based on your prior posts) are temporary. I know you feel like your parents are not any help with the situation (& perhaps they aren't), but I'm wondering whether there are other adults who you know & trust who might be able to offer you some guidance with your situation. Maybe a teacher, a counselor, a coach, or another relative (grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc.).

I hope that helps & I do wish you well. :)

peace,
frances

Hi Cedabug, I think Frances has given you some excellent advice. She has a wealth of knowledge in this area, and she really knows what she’s talking about ! I agree with her, and with Karen (another very wise woman!), when they suggest that you should just take a bit of time and let things settle down a bit. I also agree that you should find someone….an adult….to talk to about this….someone you can trust who will listen and give you an objective opinion about your situation and the options available to you. Some sort of counseling, whether it be from a teacher, a therapist, a clergy person, a relative, a friend’s parent….whatever….would be really beneficial to you right now. Here’s my take on your boyfriend’s reaction: I think he feels very much in love with you, and those emotions can be really intense. In fact, speaking from my own experience, love relationships at your age are probably more intense and complicated than some love relationships which come at a later stage in life. I think he is overwhelmed by these emotions right now, and I think he is frustrated just like you are that you can’t see each other. I really believe his outburst was just sheer frustration mixed with an intense desire to be with you. I do believe he still loves you…..that much is clear…..and I think perhaps he is taking some time to deal with these heavy feelings right now and trying to figure out what to do to make things better for both of you. That would be my guess. I honestly don’t know what to suggest to you as far as finding ways to see your boyfriend behind your parents’ backs. As I said in your other thread, this could cause huge problems for you at home, and I would hate for that to happen to you. I thought if maybe you two were involved in some sort of group activity together (like athletics or a community thing of some sort) that your parents might accept that, since you would not be alone and you would be productively involved in something, but I now know from your other posts that this would not be possible. So….it looks like you have some choices to make, Cedabug. You can choose to communicate with him as you have, by phone or internet (I am assuming) and wait until school starts again to see him, or you can risk going behind your parents’ backs (which I can’t advise on a clear conscience) and possibly lead an even more restricted lifestyle than the one you’re leading now if/when you get caught. I know putting the relationship on hold is not an option for you or him, since you both feel so strongly for each other. The fact of the matter is that your parents have forbidden you to see this guy, and from everything you’ve said up to this point, they are actively monitoring your every move, and will undoubtedly catch you if you try to sneak around. It’s very sad, and I feel awful for you. I know, because I’ve been there myself, how painful this is for you, and I am really, really sorry. When situations like this come up in life, we have to look at the facts and work within that framework. You can’t control the way your parents feel…..all you can control is the way you handle this. Give your boyfriend some time to cool off, and if you feel that you can have a calm conversation with him, discuss your choices with him. I know your choices are very limited, but as I said, you have to work within the framework you’ve been given. I know the next two months seem like a long time for you now, but if your relationship is meant to be, you and your boyfriend will survive this. Do you have an adult in your life who you could talk to and trust with your feelings? If so, please consider doing this. You’re going through something really tough, and it’s hard to do it alone. Of course, you can always come here and talk. I just wish I had a better solution for you right now. It’s hard at your age….I really do remember…..and I know you’re hurting. Just know that this hurt will not last indefinitely, and things will work out the way they are supposed to. Please hang in there, Cedabug, and know that we really care about you! (((hugs)))

I am so happy that you took what we said to heart. We do care about you and want the best for you.

Best wishes for a wonderful day...

Hugs, Karen

hello cedabug, I'm glad that you had some great advice from the ladies here, and I'm sorry to hear about the troubles in your relationship. sounds like you both have strong affections for each other, like karen said if it's strong enough it will last and you will be 18 in no time and be able to be be on your own and do what you want. btw what is it about the boy that your parents don't like? is it related to religion or ethinc group? or they just want to protect you as you are still too-young to have a relationship like that?

good luck to you, and let us know what happens..

Hi cedabug,

I was in relationship with very similar circumstances when I was about your age. Just trying to see things from your parents perspective as I approach my mid-twenties, it may be hard for them to see you in a serious relationship right now just because you're so young. Being young doesn't mean you can't understand what love is, but the experiences I've had through college, grad school and pursuing a career have allowed me to grow, find out more about who I am, and know what I want in a relationship. Looking back, I'm glad my parents told me to keep my options open because I never knew then the people I would meet and the things I would do after I graduated from high school. Being a single adult and free to explore and meet new people is a fun time in your life because you can have a sense of freedom that you can't have when you're seriously dating and basing all of your decisions on what is best for the relationship. I think your parents just want to make sure you are keeping your options open and making choices that are best for YOU.

From my personal experience, long distance certainly complicates things even further, no matter what your age. It places an automatic stress-factor into the relationship when you aren't able to see each other in person and puts a lot of pressure on when you'll actually get to see each other. It also creates a separation in your lives when you can't share your everyday experiences with each other. If you start noticing that you're avoiding social get-togethers with your friends so you can talk with him on the phone or online, it may be a sign of an isolating or unhealthy situation for you.

I don't mean for this message to sound discouraging, but when I read your situation, I couldn't help but give my opinion since I've been through it and even though I don't know you, I do sense that you are a very caring and thoughtful individual and I want you to be happy Maybe letting him know that you need to take a break to sort things out might be good for you, so you can see if you feel better spending more time with your friends and being at peace with your parents.

Hugs,
NW