*HOPE* for mythoughts

Thanks, Raniah. Your comments are uplifting. I just slept 10 hours, although interrupted (both kids sick), so I hope that helps. A house of sick people. It'll be a slow weekend, which will be OK.
I do understand your overwhelming emotions. My mask of no affect has taken years to develop as a response to dam up those extremes, but I never learned to regulate them. I just kept them covered until they seemed to simmer down, or seemed to go away.

Look forward to your next post, Raniah. I'm inspired by your progress. Thanks for your encouragement.

Hi, Maz. Thanks for your kindness.

Hello, Karen. I regret the overdescriptive part of my last post. I'll keep it simple ("thoughts of self harm").
As for your job, well, some days move slowly, don't they. Kind of like our healing progress. Glad you try to not take it home (don't be a teacher... We seem to take it, think of it, everywhere, even after dismissal). Thanks for your hugs.

Thanks, Karen. I'm currently mixing work and job... I'm doing my reports while laying on my bed. They were due to the principal 9 days ago, but I'll get them in Mon.

Thanks for the fondness. Kinda like having fan club. Well, I'll just live in that fantasy... maybe merchandise... T-shirts...

Cool & breezy sounds good, Raniah. Hope the soup was good. We had a ton of rain, great for my grass, but today is the 1st of Summer, and we in Ontario felt it. Sun and humidity, which will continue all week. Too bad my class doesn't have A/C, and the heater is on. It can't be turned off somehow. Five more days of school, but just 4 with the kids.

As for me, my humour makes me sound 'good', but it just masks my pain/shame/anger/sadness. Another weekend of strain between us. I don't really want to be near her. It hurts too much, although I try to practise my Distress Tolerance from DBT.

Reports are done, but I'll read 'em again. Always something to improve.

The more I feel rejected by her, the more I hate myself, and the more I want to hurt myself. Yech. It not her fault, or mine. It just is.

Raniah, I hope that you can let the sadness slide away, like the clouds that slowly floated by during that sunset. To acknowledge the feeling, then become unstuck from it. Radical acceptance, which you demonstrated during the BBQ, often must repeat. They call it Turning the Mind, to return to acceptance, to be Willing and not Wilful. Tough to do. If I could consistently practise that which I preach.

Man, you just can't shake that guy.
Maybe it would be useful for me to run into 'her', similar to your encounters. Then I could see her for what she is... a person of whom I once knew, not the idealised person I have from memory. To burst that bubble, but hopefully I won't get stuck with bubble gum.

You say that your emotions failed you. I don't understand, but perhaps you mean that they failed to appear, to overwhelm you. That would be a positive event. Maybe, just maybe, seeing him confuses you for shorter periods of time. Maybe it is sign of healing, of letting go. I look forward to you clarifying this for me.

So, we both had it tough today. I even acted briefly on my self harm. Nothing ERish, but a little physical pain to go with the emotional.

You know, I'm back to where I was 9 years ago. Lonely and hurt in my marriage. Nothing has changed, except my kids and trees are taller. Just need to learn to tolerate her negative days.

Raniah, I wish you strength and peace with yourself. If you've got any to spare, then can I buy some?

Thanks, Raniah. I feel the hope when I speak with HealingWell persons like you. One moment at a time. I'm glad for your positive acceptance. And I accept your extra strength and peace.

Sleep well, and begin the day with a half smile (DBT Emotional Regulation), if you want to.

Thanks

Thanks, Jamie.

Hi Mythoughts,

I am just popping in to say hello again. I hope that you are having a better day than you did yesterday. You deserve to be happy. You are a good man.

Please take care of you. Things will be better for you. You are working hard and that will show in time.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Mythoughts, You really are good at assisting others – I’ve seen you offer up wise and comforting advice here at the forum – and it’s obvious that you care about other people and their feelings. I suspect that is one of the reasons why you are so loved at your school. I can still remember you describing your first day back after your absence, and how the students and staff were hugging you with welcoming arms. I can imagine that you mean a great deal to a lot of people. Yes, things are much better here tonight….thank you for your wishes. I managed to spend some time working in my gardens this afternoon, and that was a wonderful break from everything else. I should really call it ‘playing’ because to me, digging in the dirt with bare feet and a small shovel feels much more like fun than work. It was hot out, but there was a beautiful breeze coming off the water, and that made it pleasant. I felt grateful to be there…..contented and relaxed. I wish you could have that feeling right now, too, Mythoughts. I’m so sorry for your sadness. I know it can be exhausting at times, and I hope you will continue to have restful sleep, and quiet times with your daughters. Thank goodness for those girls…..you are so lucky to have them, and I am sure they feel lucky to have you, too. I’m glad you feel that the forum might be an anchor for you as well. I feel the same way. It’s comforting to feel accepted and understood. I hope those positives come easily tonight, and stay through the coming day. You deserve to feel the sadness lift and experience some peace and hope in your heart.

Hi Mythoughts, You always have my encouragement. I really believe in you, and I believe in your ability to feel better, and to live a happier life. It will happen for you, and I hope you can believe that, too. I'm rushing off to work now, so I can't write much.....but I hope you have a wonderful day, and hope you can stay comfortable in this heat and humidity. Most of all, I hope you have hope.

mythoughts, wow has it been really 6 months since you first got hospitalized? I didn't know that it has been so long, from my memory I think it was just 2 months ago, but maybe I am wrong I don't know.

anyway glad to see some improvements in your life, even though you still feel rejected by others, hopefully this feeling will go away, just know you are not rejected by this community we beleave in you and you have our full support and compashion to what you have and still going through my friend, and I hope that you may have the strength and power to continue making positive changes and fight off this depression. good luck to you!

PS: even though I don't post much but I want you to know I always try to keep upto date on your posts, but sometimes I have nothing interesting to say, rania/kitt/karen are doing a great job helping you :)

Hi Mythoughts, I can relate to that juxtaposition. I feel much better about myself when I don’t think about the rejection (potential or realized) of others. It’s when I am feeling in need of ‘love from another’ as opposed to ‘love from self’ that I can fall into a bad, frightening place. I am fortunate to have some very close and loving friends in my life, and without them, my life would be very bleak. However, there are times when I miss the intimacy that can only come from a love relationship, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to go down that road again. Thoughts of what I am missing, and the fears that go along with that, put me in that bad place. I know you must have felt a great deal of sadness and longing in giving up your classroom today, after what you’ve said previously about that room and the memories it’s held for you. Yes, feeling things deeply can be incredibly painful. That’s why finding a way to feel the positive things deeply is so important (at least to me). Experiencing that level of happiness is indescribable, when it happens. The challenge in my life is having the courage to allow myself those deep, positive feelings without the fear that I will lose something or someone precious to me, which would put me back to deep feelings of hurt. I have often fantasized about leading a life in the ‘middle ground’, but it doesn’t seem to be in my nature. Deep feelings seem to be where it’s at for me, for better or worse. Some days I can accept that, and even appreciate it. Other days, it’s hard. Thanks for your sympathy about my early working hours. I do enjoy being up early, but prefer to use those early hours to spend time outdoors when the weather is nice, to watch the wildlife that is only out when most humans are not. Thankfully, I don’t work full-time, so I manage to get those opportunities from time to time. Being ill makes mornings tough, that’s for sure. I was hoping for your sake that the change in medication time that you implemented might help with the morning sleepiness, but some of that may be from the depression as well. On my lowest days, when I’m depressed and don’t have to work, it’s not uncommon for me to get up at my normal time, read for a couple of hours, and then go back to sleep on the couch. I’m sorry that you have to go through that shakiness/tired feeling with the demands you have at school, and I hope that the upcoming break will help you to feel less pressured to be alert in the mornings. I don’t know what you have planned for your months off, but I hope you will have some flexibility and freedom in your day-to-day schedule. I really hope that tomorrow will be the start of a transition period for you, with the end of classes and the upcoming therapy, and whatever else the summer holds for you. As I said in my earlier post, I feel a great deal of hope for you, and I know the next couple of months will hold new developments and new discoveries for you as you continue to learn and to heal. I hope you will stay with us and continue to share your journey…..it has come to mean a great deal to many of us to be a part of it.