don't know what to do without making my parents upset

Here is a copy of a new e-mail from my mom. I seriously don't know what to do. I need advice please. I'm so sad. They can't just step out of my life just because they don't like that my bf doesn't have a 4 year degree yet.

We are not calling you because dad, your sister, and I are very hurt by your actions. Whenever you meet a guy you do not listen to good advice that your family gives you, instead you kick us away and get obsessed by this new person in your life. We all want you to meet Mr. right but you need to be selective not go with any guy that says your pretty. God will bring the right person in your life. You don't meet him at a bar or online. You need to look at: occupation, education, nice, etc. ect. Nor can you begin a relationship based on lies like has happened with this guy. You did the same exact thing with your ex. He was so over weight and treated you bad but you kept going back. You chose him over your loving family who has offered you so much over the years. We forgave you then but cant keep doing that.

I saw a therapist myself this morning because I have been crying around the clock and he told me it sounds like you have such low self-esteem that any guy that tells you you are pretty you will go with. He suggested that we get out of your life since you do not listen to us. So if you want to choose this guy that's fine but you can't have us by your side as well. It is your decision. Most parents would of kicked you out with your ex-bf and that whole ordeal. You need to understand that we want the best for you and this guy is not the best. Your behavior is due because of your low self-esteem and going overboard with men. We cant always be there to get stepped on by you every time a guy comes around. One day you are so sweet and the next you swear at us and have such hatrid. This is also a symptom of borderline as well.

I have your father to worry about right now and I need to be strong for him. I have tried to help you but you do not learn from your mistakes. You are making another big mistake with this guy. A guy that lies about his job and salary and is 29 still living at home is not someone that has high goals and expectations out of life. Even on a managers salary its not enough to pay bills. Your medical insurance and pills are 1,200 a month. 10-20 years ago you could make a living without a degree. Now you cant that's the fact. There is no guarantee he can even finish a degree if he wanted a degree he would of gotten it already. That's it from me. Is this guy worth losing your sister and family over???? You decide

Hi Confusedgirl, I’m not sure what I can say that I haven’t already said in my last post, but I will try to offer something in the way of support, because you totally deserve it, with all that you’re going through. Let me first reiterate that you have a right to your own choices. You are an adult, and an accomplished student on a prestigious career path. You are making a life for yourself that you can be proud of, and I agree with Karen that you should not allow your upset and the interference of your parents to mess up your academics, if at all possible. It’s too important. Your mom’s email is disheartening, in the way that she implies that her opinions and that of your father and sister are more important, more knowledgeable, and more sane than your own. It is no wonder you have self-esteem issues, when your family is constantly putting you down and telling you that you can’t think for yourself. You CAN think for yourself, and you have every right to! I am also dismayed by the continued references by your mom to the superficial aspects of your mates, such as body type/weight, salary, etc.. A person’s character is far more significant, in my opinion. Believe me, as someone who has been married and divorced, money and looks will not give you a healthy marriage. It is a person’s kindness, integrity, and willingness to love and support you that will get you through the tough times in a marriage…..money and looks don’t mean much if those qualities are not there. I agree with Karen that your mom is resorting to emotional blackmail, and that is an immature and completely inappropriate way to handle this, in my opinion. I don’t think her therapist is qualified to make an assessment of your mental health solely based on her side of the story, and I hope you will rely on your own therapist to make such an assessment. Also, I hope you will take copies of the emails, and your own notes of conversations, to your next appointment with your therapist, so he/she can see what you are dealing with. Asking you to choose between your boyfriend and your family is downright cruel, Confusedgirl, and I am deeply saddened that your mother would do this to you. I actually hope that she takes her therapist’s advice and stays out of your relationship with your boyfriend altogether, and gives you some peace. You deserve to handle your academics, and your relationship, with your own judgment. When is your next appointment with your therapist? What has she/he said about this so far? I hope you will stay strong, and remember that YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON WITH A WISE MIND. I know you are sad, and I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. We really care about you here on the forum, Confusedgirl, and we all want you to be well and happy.

Hi Confusedgirl, I'm really glad you had a positive appointment with your therapist. Hearing her say that you are handling this very well must have made you feel good about yourself, and you have every right to feel that way. I had problems with parental abuse in my own family, too, and I know how much it hurts when you still love them and want them to love you back, in a healthy and respectful way. At this point in your life, you have the opportunity to surround yourself with positive, supportive people, and to draw the line with your family as to how much time, if any, you spend with them. I agree that you should take a break from visiting your family for a while. It doesn't have to be a long-term decision, but it's important to give yourself some time and space to focus on yourself and your own goals right now. Please keep posting, and letting us know how things go. And most of all, take very good care of yourself! You totally deserve it. (((hugs)))

Thanks everyone. I am so happy with my new bf. He's really sweet. However, my ex is not. He told me when I first told him that he was happy for me. Then when I talked to him yesterday.. I told him I'm not a couger. I told him I'm dating someone 5 years older than me. I asked him what the word for that was and he said "29-and-working-at-home-depot." After he made that comment, I got SOO mad. I started crying and told him to shutup. Then I told my new bf what he said and he told me I should tell my ex to play a game of "hide and go **** himself". After I told my ex that. He called me an idiot and said that he was just joking. I told him I don't appreciate those kinds of jokes that make fun of my bf, family or friends. I told him I didn't find them funny. Then he said that if I don't like that he jokes with me then he just won't talk to me at all. Now he's not talking to me. Do you think I overreacted to his comment? My new bf doesn't want me to talk to him anymore. I don't think I will. My new bf said that he can't tell me what to do but he doesn't think it's a good idea for me to talk to him. He thinks that he's a jerk.

Also, my dad has to get a fibulator for his heart. Plus get some more stents for his blocked arteries. My parents want me to be there for the surgery. I feel like it's not a major surgery to go home for. Plus I'm still hurt about what he did last month. But I think I will go home for a few days when I'm off from classes. I get off for 2 weeks. My new bf took the first week off to either go to the Keys or Disney with me. The second week I was going to go home. I don't know if it's a good idea, but I'd feel guilty if I didn't go. Anyways, those are the updates. I'm sad that my family still doesn't like my new bf due to his job. He is going back to school though this fall to get his business degree. I'm also sad about my dad. I hope he can still be put on the list for a new liver. I'm also sad about the way my ex acted. I know my ex isn't jealous. He said he wasn't. Advice please!

Hi Confusedgirl, I agree with Karen. You should stop talking to your ex-boyfriend. He has no business being in your life if he is not a friend to both you and your current boyfriend, and especially if he is going to be cruel and verbally abusive. Kick that ex to the curb, and don’t look back. I understand why you are thinking about going home for a couple of days because of your dad’s upcoming medical procedures. Just keep your bag packed and be ready to go if it gets unpleasant. Make sure you look after yourself, and guard your heart while you’re there, if you decide to go. I’m really glad to know you are happy with your new boyfriend. I hope things continue to go well. You deserve to have some good things happen to you after all that you’ve been through. Thanks for the update. Keep us posted.