depressed spouse

Luke,

I have had depression for at least nine years. My husband has been patient at times, but yesterday wrote me a letter saying that our nonexistent sex life needs to change or else he may consider a separation. This made me mad but did start a conversation. I am on meds but have not had counseling. I told my husband if he called about counseling for me , I would go. It's a start but we have a long haul.

luke s

Hello and welcome to HealingWell.  There have been quite a few before you, both male and female, that have had the same issues as you.

I am so sorry you  and your wife are going through this rough time.

As the depressed spouse let me give you my perspective on how we feel.

We depressives can be downright frustrating. We see everything in absolute terms, no gray areas. We set high standards for ourselves and when they aren't met, we can't accept it. We lash out at our loved ones. We're too wrapped up in our own pain to nurture our loved ones.

We beat ourselves up endlessly because we think we're ugly, unlovable, lazy, and worthless. I'm writing this as someone who's been on both sides of the fence and can now appreciate the pain of both the depressed and the people who seek to help the depressed.

Here are some suggestions for what you can do to help your wife and yourself.

Educate yourself about depression.  Learn about depression, it's symptoms, and treatment.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes.  Learn what depression feels like, the misconceptions about mental illness that she  must deal with, and get the facts about what depression really is.

Take care of yourself. Feelings of depression are contagious. Periodically take some time to step back from the situation and recharge your batteries.

It's okay to feel upset, angry, frustrated. These feelings are a valid response to a very trying situation.

Coming here and sharing your feelings and reaching out for help was a good thing for you to do. 

Consider therapy for yourself as you need someone to understand and to talk to that will help you cope with your wife's depression.

Please keep on talking with us and know we care.

With kindest personal regards,

Kitt

 

Anita,

Glad to be of help.  I have had depression for over 26 years and my hubby has been upset and frustrated more then once but in the end he comes around.  He has Crohn's Disease so I have supported him but at times have had a tough time with his disorder too so we have always balanced out our issues  :)

Your going to be Okay.  (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))

Kind Regards,
Kitt

Anita, Luke & Kitt,

I just found the website today. I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 12 years ago. I went through counseling and drug therapy for about a year. I finished therapy and came off the meds. I was doing well for a long time, I thought. But, I always felt like I had this dark thing living deep inside me and it was always threatening to come back up and take me over again. I have fought it for years and thought I was doing okay. Last year, my husband went through counseling. His doctor told him he was suffering from anxiety and depression and needed to be on meds. He went to about 6 sessions, and refused to take any meds. He keeps telling me he is okay, but I can tell he's not. He is angry and controlling. We have a 20 year old daughter (she lives at home and is in nursing school), she is really struggling with all of this. He tends to be most angry with her. He hates her friends, he hates her going out with them after classes, he hates her going over to their houses, he hates her texting, he hates her guinea pig. Nothing she does seems to please him at all, unless she is doing exactly what he says, exactly when he says, exactly the way he wants it done. She is on Lexapro, now, but says she doesn't need counseling. I think, what she really needs is to get out of the house, but she can't afford it.

He isn't working at the moment and doesn't really seem to be looking for anything. I can't talk to him and spend most of my time trying to smooth things with her, to let her know it's his illness talking and he really does love use. She says she knows, but it is certainly taking it's toll on her.

As for me, I feel worn out, beat up, beat down, angry and sad. I spend a LOT of time asking God to take me out of all of this. I find myself thinking a lot about that verse in Old Man River "I'm tired of living, but scared of dying". I have thought about going back to counseling and am getting some meds, myself, but when I say anything about it, he just talks about how everyone takes the easy way out and how he just sucked it up and that's what everyone should do.

So, I am here, looking for help.

luke s said...
hi just joined.my wife has been suffering from depression since oct last and announced our marriage was over in dec.she took an apartment but asked to come home 3 days later.saw a psychiatrist was admitted but left on seeing other ............

Hi Luke,

I know what you are going to. My husband has this depression since dec last year. he wanted us to split, then he came back and all he could say is that he has a hole, that can not be described. yesterday i confronted him and ask him if he suffers from depression. and he said yes. since then, my life changed completed, as i read what this means. it awfull. hope in time will pass. as soon as i find something that works i will posted cas i do not want to say something from the books i ve read. if you feel like writing please do. good luck! 

Hello Luke,

I am wondering how you are doing.  We are all here for you if you feel like you want to talk.  I hope you are coping or you have found a therapist just for you.

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,
Kitt