*HOPE* for mythoughts

Happy Fourth of July to our US friends!

Hi, Raniah. Hope work went well. I wonder how Karen's Friday went.

My Sat was anxiously eventful. I found out Fri night (wife read obituaries) that a woman I knew had died last Mon. She was the sister of my best friend from 20 years ago. I went to the mass Sat morning, just around the corner, then the wake in the aft, and saw my friend (first time in 12 years). We expect to communicate more consistently, using MMS (text) or email, because he lives in the big TO (Toronto for non-Canadian readers). It was a sad occasion, and I was anxious (slightly shakey) about seeing his family and him.

My wife is mixed on this reunion. She is concerned about revisiting my past (past marriage, he was Best Man and a friend of my 1st wife), when I ended up alone, and in-hospital after an attempt on my life. He also 'came out', and she's untrusting of my gay friend (threatened).

We've IMed each other just to set up a time for my wife & I to visit him. We'll see how it plays out.

I'm keeping busy, so thoughts of self hate, self harm & death are less frequent. Now to carpet clean my daughter's bedroom. The dog had an 'accident' in there, so I must scrub and clean the area.

I hope any US readers enjoyed their Independence Day. Canada & the USA are buds now, but don't invade us (again), or we'll have to kick you out like we did with the 5 invasions during the War of 1812. Just sayin'.

Bye, Raniah.

Thanks, Raniah.

I'm sorry to hear about your illness. I wonder how the docs know that it is viral vice bacterial. I had it 2 yrs ago in Jun & Jul (another end of school year illness), and saw a lung specialist, and he couldn't tell me which it was. He did point out which lobe was filled with fluid (left lower), and I could hear the 'crackles' up my windpipe when I sat down. Are any of your lobes filled?

I hope that you find strength in your mindful moments, and I'll be thinking of you.

You may be correct about my friend. We may reconnect. He was excited to see me again, and has TMed me a bit.

Take care. Rest is good.

Hi, Karen. Well, you didn't have to confront that worker, which probably reduced your anxiety at work a bit. How else is it affecting you, for you to consider quitting?

Thanks for the well wishes. I hope that Raniah is well, too.

Hi Mythoughts and Raniah,

With this job, it is stressful all the way around. We don't get a lunch, which I think is against the law. We are lucky to get breaks for a cigarette. So I am really note eating right, though it is partially my fault, because I could carry a lunch and take a bite when I can.

I haven't worked in nine years so it is a stressful thing for me due to the change of standing all day on my feet, and doing a lot of bending over and lifting.

I also have fibromyalgia, so the physical stess along with the mental stress is hard on me. I also am a lot older than the others so I am slower. But I do keep trying. My goal was to be able to pay the taxes and I have just about raised enough money. Our property taxes are really high.

My husband is the one who wants me to quit. And if I do, I want it to be on good terms, that way if I ever need to go back, I should be able to. But I keep plugging along. I guess that I want to keep trying, though knowing in the back of my mind that I can quit at any time, that takes a lot of stress off.

There is always some kind of crap going on there anyway. But it doesn't take me much to get stressed out. I don't have a lot of confidence in myself around the people that I work with. The customers, yes, but fellow employees, not so much. But as I said, I keep trying. One day at a time. And fighting to stay in the moment.

Thank you both for the kind words in the last posts. I really appreciate you guys caring. It really means a lot to me.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Raniah,

I do have a certain feeling that comes over me if I am going to end up leaving a job. I think I have mentioned that to you before, maybe in an email. But I will start feeling like I don't fit in instead of being part of a group. I guess I pick up on things in the atmosphere. Strange, but true.

I hope that you are feeling better. I know that you said it could ge a while before you see any improvement in your condition. But I hope that you get better sooner rather than later. At least get some relief.

Take care, thanks for your caring words.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Mythoughts, I’ve been away from the forum for a while myself, due to the illness. It’s been a struggle over here….physically, mentally and emotionally. My doctor was concerned enough to make a house call, which lifted my spirits a little. Also, there have been a couple of people in the community bringing me supplies since I am unable to go out. Karen has been an email lifeline for me, keeping me entertained with stories and making me feel cared about . So there are things to be thankful for. I’m glad you are able to be there for your kids, to be supportive and sensitive to their needs. They are really lucky to have you for a dad! That kind of security in childhood is truly priceless. How is it going with the MSW? Any impressions so far? I’m happy to know that you met with your old friend, although it saddens me to see you compare yourself to him, especially using measures of career title and material things. I’m not saying that to judge you at all…..that is definitely not the case……I’m just wondering if you would really value yourself or your life more if you had a bigger house and a fancy car. There is nothing wrong with having those things, but you strike me as the kind of person who has a wider scope for personal happiness and success. I do understand about comparisons…..I fall into that at times, wondering if I would be happier or feel more loveable/worthy if I had a successful marriage, children, the career of my dreams. Then I realize that my feelings are based in shame…..feeling like I am not good enough the way that I am, that I am looked upon with pity for the marriage I had, or with disdain for not ‘making more of myself’ or finishing my own barely-started masters degree. Sometimes I do a good job at pulling myself out of that mire….other times, it takes a lot of effort. I’m glad you’re starting a journal for your MSW. I did the same when I started therapy after leaving my ex, and it became far more valuable to me than I ever would have imagined. I hope you have the same experience. I am going to close now….it’s still amazing to me how easily I get tired…..but please know I wish you well with everything you’re doing….activities with the kids, your therapy, your journal entries….all of it. Looking forward to your next post.

Thanks, Mythoughts. I am getting a little better every day. Take good care of yourself - I am thinking of you, too.

Hi, Raniah. I'm OK. Thanks for checking in. I just have gone into my avoidance phase again. After that mtg with my old friend, and some run ins with my wife, I just didn't recover quickly, and some self harm.

The journal has continued, but I'd like to refine it, blend the journal and the DBT daily log, so that it accessible and can be edited on my phone.

My friend has asked via IM when I can come to TO to see him. I explained how I felt, and he accepted it well. We always accepted each other and never judged, when we were friends. That seems to have continued. Still, he has continued to want to get together, just in a modified way so tat it works for me. I just don't want to see anyone. I'm so used to being a loner.

My wife and I talked yesterday, honestly. It was exhausting, and nothing changes, but at least it didn't end badly.

Hope that you are still healing from the pneumonia. It takes at least 6 weeks to totally heal, so I'm sure that it still saps your strength. I wish you well.

So now I'll get on with my house chores, and my sadness that follows me like a bad smell. It is hard being a loner, but easier than being with people on a personal level. I'll just be mindful of the moment, go one step at a time. At least I won't get overwhelmed like last March, and other times.

See ya'.

hello guys, just recaped the new posts in this thread. mythoughts, it is interesting what you said about when you meet and old friend and how it brings back memories and you feel you want to avoid them. the same for me, I hate to see my old friends because they will ask me also what have I been doing lately, like work etc and I am not working, all the small talk is just boring..

I guess I'm used to being a loner as well, I spend most of my time alone. I dine out alone , and go to the movies alone as well. no friends that I see, except relatives. yet I know if I do end up relocating into another country I will have problems with being too loonly, I will miss my parents and relatives..