I just need to talk to someone

I’m 17. I have a hard time talking about what I feel and what I'm going through, but I just need to. I've been through depression before, much milder, when I was about 13. I got through it on my own and didn't tell anyone. I just don’t feel like I can make it through this time with out help. I tried going to the doctors and asking to go to a psychologist. My doctor made me tell my father despite being months away from 18, and he couldn't handle it. So, I went back to pretending everything was okay. But it really isn't. I feel like im trapped in a glass box screaming to everyone around me to listen, but no one hears or even cares. I haven't felt truly happy in a long time and if I'm around others for too long my facade of happiness wears thin and I need to leave before people notice.

 

I think it’s due in part to what I'm going through, and have been going through, with my family. My parents were never married, and I spent most of my life with my mother, visiting my father sporadically on weekends. She tortured me in ways I couldn't verbalize to anyone. I didn't know what to call it, or how to explain it, I just knew that she made me feel horrible. When I was very little and would cry in public, she would say "Oh would you look at her crocodile tears! What a little actress. She’s so good at lying to get attention." Meanwhile, I was crying because she had grabbed my arm hardly or said something mean to me. As I got older, my mother began to use other tactics on me. She would tell me that when I got a boyfriend, he would like her more than me or she would say I was really fat and ugly (seriously, I'm only like 100 pounds). It got worse as I got older. I began to simply shut her out in any way I could. When she saw an emotional weakness, she attacked it with all of her joyful enthusiasm to see me squirm. When I got my first boyfriend, she loved to make me angry in front of his mother. She always knew the sore spots to poke at to make me scream. She's done much much more to me, much worse things, but there’s no proof except how I feel and have felt all of my life.

 

I moved out recently to my dads. He doesn’t understand me at all and anytime I show unhappiness he freaks out saying I should just move back with my mother. I could never go back to that hell, but I feel so alone still. I thought this move would save me, but I've gotten worse. He wants to take her to court and for me to testify. I'm scared and confused because I don’t know if I can. After all the abuse, she's still my mother. Everyone in my family is on a side of this, so I can't talk to anyone about it. No one else is right in the middle like I am.

 

I've been so strong so far. I've held on, gotten good grades, smiled for my father's sake. I just can't do it anymore. I feel like I'm breaking down. Please just talk to me. Please. I don't know what to do.

I understand part of where you are coming from. Although my parents are not like yours and I cant possibly know what you have experienced with your mother, I do understand your pain and the way you feel trapped and like you have no one you can go to. Im also 17 so, I can see it from your point. Its a hard age because we are almost adults, but not quite there and always seem to be caught in the middle of whether to be an adult or be a child.

I get your pain because I have also suffered from depression for a long time. It was mild when I was around 13..but got severe when I was about 15.. my 18th birthday is actually the 28th of this month... ironically, 18 days from now! But, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I feel like I have no one to talk too. Although my parents are together, they fight all the time and dont like one another. We have never been close and I dont feel comfortable discussing my pain with them. I tried at first and they dismissed it as being a phase and that sort of thing...

Right now I am kind of on my own. I went to my doctor and asked him to refer me to someone who could help me. Thats when I got my therapist. And she had me see the psychiatrist. So, I have both of them. Therapy has been a mess because I feel she doesnt understand me at all. And the other doc is really nice, but Im still VERY scared about opening up to him. Its a really hard thing to go through when you feel you cant talk about stuff. Cause even when you get the chance, your still scared and skeptical about opening up. My parents know about them and they know I take medication. They have talked with my therapist so they know kind of what is going on, but I havent talked to them about any of it myself. Its just like its not for real and we dont talk about it...

Its really hard going through all of this practically alone. Mostly the only people I can talk to are on here so... I know how hard it is feeling trapped and all alone. Its very scary not knowing whats going to happen and really not understanding why you feel the way you do. Most people dont understand it at all and wonder why you cant just suck it up and be happy ya know. But for us its not that way at all and we shouldnt have to feel that pressure because it IS an illness. And it deserves to be treated like one. If someone was having a heart attack... is it there fault? Should they just suck it up and ignore it? Or not seek help? Ya know... but people just dont know or understand alot about depression and why we are the way the are.

Ive been through alot of my own stuff and when I have panic attacks or anything like that, its always alone. I cry alone. Ive never cried in front of anyone before and now I feel like I really need to cry all the time and I cant because I just feel like I cant let my guard down in front of people. I feel really weak when I talk about all of it. I feel stupid because of some of the thoughts I have and stuff, and its not my fault at all... but its just how I feel. And thats REALLY hard to deal with.

Im not sure what advice I can offer you, but I can offer you comfort to know that you are not alone in this and its totally normal to be experiencing what you are going through. It sucks that no one seems to be on your side and no one will take the time to listen to what you are feeling and everything and I know how frustrating it is. I hate it and its one of the worst feelings in the world. Being alone and feeling like no one cares. No ones care about how you feel... I hate that.

I have had to be strong for myself and just keep going. I know one day I will have all of this behind me and I will tell people my story and make them understand. For now, I feel I am fighting a war all alone. I go to the doctors myself and get the meds and I take care of everything myself. I hold a lot of things in and I dont feel like I deserve to be so alone and stuff but I dont know any other way either... its hard, and I know you know that.

You just have to stay strong for yourself. Its okay to breakdown, I do it all the time. I have too because I cant hold everything in all the time.. But you have to be your own advocate in this. Things WILL get better despite how bad things get or how bad things feel, it gets better. But, you have to look out for yourself. Just because you are alone, doesnt mean that you arent strong. You have to fight for yourself. You cant give up. If you dont help yourself, how can you expect comfort to come to you. Remind yourself that you are a very strong individual and you can do this. With or without someone there with you, you are going to make it through and you are going to feel better. Look toward the horizon and take steps to get there. Talk to your doctor, dont be afraid to ask and be very direct in that you WANT help. You deserve to be get help and that is your right as a patient.

Find a therapist. Find someone you can talk to that can help you out. Do whatever you have to to take those steps forward. Sometimes you may take steps backward and feel things arent going to work, but you can NEVER give up. You can throw things away. Its hard work. If you really want to change things, you are perfectly capable of doing so. Dont let anyone stand in your way.

I hope I have at least helped a little. I hate it when I know there are other people who are suffering just like I am and who are in the same shoes I have been in. It sucks and no one deserves it at all. I hate that you feel so alone and I wish your family could understand you more and be there for you like they are supposed to be. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know. If you EVER need/want to talk you can just email me or whatever, Im always around to help. I think you will find that it helps to talk about it, even if its a complete stranger. But anyways, like I said, I am around if you need me for anything. You arent alone on here.

Thank you so much. My school counselors I could never trust. Often, I'm in the office for unrelated matters and I hear them discussing what other students have told them in confidence and laughing and gossiping about it. My doctor told me that since I’m under 18 I have to have a parent involved so I can't go back, I cant to anyone he recommends for help with out my father involved. How can I see someone without him knowing?? One time I cried in front of him on accident and he had a minor heart attack and blamed himself for days. When I told him why I went to the doctors the time I went to try and get help he just kept saying I would get better and didn’t need anyone and it probably wasn't anything. I gave up trying to explain it. There are still months until I turn 18 and every day gets a bit worse. I can't talk to anyone in my family about it because everyone has a side, an opinion on this whole mess, with me right in the middle of it. Half of my family doesn't understand why I care about my mother at all and the other half sees me as a psychotic child and would have me institutionalized in a second if they could. I'll never understand why my mother needs to do that to me.

TeNNiSd0C09
Your message wasn't long at all. Honestly, thank you so much. It does help a bit to know that someone else understands part of what I'm going through. I used to feel so stupid for being so sad all the time and guilty like I should be stronger than this. I still do a little, but it does help to know it’s not just me. I never let my guard down either, even talking about it on this scares me so much. When I went to my doctors I was shaking so badly. Do your parents know?

I'm trying so hard to hold on until I turn 18, but I really think I won’t make it without having a major meltdown or worse. I don't think I'm suicidal but I can't see any hope in the future I can barely see any hope now. I just want to stop crying and smile. I mean I can’t even think of one truly happy memory to hold on to.

 Ok first off I am a mother of 2 girls ages 25 and 27 both are on medication for depression the younger for low self esteem and jealousy of older sister because she is skinny and the younger one isn't and the other always picks the wrong guy and feels she has wasted time.......I didn't need to be told and my younger daugher was under 17 when this started we have a pretty good relationship so she told me herself and I got her help asap.....I am 50 as of May 28th I was sexually and physically and mentally abused since I  was a young child sexually from uncle and later on 1st husband mentally physically and emotionally by my mother she drank alot and knows how to make me feel worthless and believe it or not even to this day she does it and I gave up my life to stay in the house with her to take care of her (she is not ill she is 85 healthy as a horse what ever that means she has a her brain cells due to seizures and high temps I don't I have many medically problems and will be seeing a psychitrist who specialices in Post traumatic stress and chronically ill people and people like me who let everyone walk all over them my father passed away in 1978 so I gave up everything because I promised him I would never allow her to be put in a nursing hm my sisters are no help I am youngest.......First thing hon please call a Crisis line and just talk to someone they can explain the laws in your state and help find you the right person to see may even a group of people your own age so you are more comfortable and please remember you were put here on earth for a reason who knows may to find a cure for depression to adopt a child who had no love like you to save a life you are important and you deserve to be loved and cared for and there is someone out there who can and will help you just don't give up and keep trying so get out the phone book and call a Crisis Center and tell them how you feel like you have no control your mom and dad have the problems men sometimes can't or just won't deal with things they can't see or can't fix without their tool box......Sorry so long I hope being 50 didn't make you feel like adults are all the same and don't want to under stand I have been there and done that over and over sometimes I think back and say why but you can't go back so honey go forword and show them all you are special and I feel like I am ready a letter I might have written in a journal at your age....Journals do help sometimes for some people when you don't have a person go in your room turn on the music and write until you get everything out and there is nothing wrong with crying if it bothers your father find a quite bench in a park or bring a blanket and cry everybody crys sometimes.........I don't know if any of this helped but things get better look I have to beautiful girls and if that is all I leave behind for this world then I gave the world my greatest gift.   If you need to vent my e mail address is in the system

 

angelheart aka Desiree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the first time I've truly spoken to people about this and I'm really glad that I did. It feels a lot better just to know that there are people out there that understand what this is like and well support me like this. Emotions are a no no to talk about with just about everyone I know. I will definitally look up some laws to see if theres anyone I can go to without my parents getting involved. Yeah, my dad cant really deal with major emotional issues. He doesn't understand that its not something that will just go away on its own. Its like carrying a mountain on your back everyday and fighting the urge to collaps under it. He just sees my mother's scheming behing every abnormal thing I do and I cant blame him for that because he got burned really really bad by her and he thanks God everyday that he got away when he did. Sometimes I feel terrible that its my fault he still has to keep in contact with her though. Like I'm the constant reminder, the reason he has to even think about her anymore. I'm not 100% sure what actually happened though. Each side of my family tells me totally different stories and I was much to young to remember. I can only go off what I know of each parent. Its so weird to constantly question whether your parents are telling the truth. Sometimes I even wonder if the only reason my dad actually helped me out all these years was to spite my mother. Thats so messed up because I know he cares even if he doesnt understand. I just cant help wondering. I don't even fully trust him.

Angel heart, I would kill to have a mother like you. So many times I look at other teens with their mothers and they seem so natural and unguarded. Its alien to me. When I first hung out with one of my friends and her mother I had a slight panic attack simply because the girl told her mother so much about her life and what she did and how she felt. I was scared for her that it would return to hurt her like it did to me. When I started to get exposed to more mother-daughter relationships I began to realize that I was the odd one out, not my friend. I do keep a journal and write poems and paint and sing sometimes. Anything to realease emotions that I can't release anywhere else, but theres so much no matter how much I do it always is too much to comfortably cope with. I'm definitally going to find someone, anyone that can help me put these off the charts emotions into a managable order and maybe make them go away. I've lived with some form of sadness for so long its kind of scary to me though to think of not being sad at all. even for a moment. Is that normal??

I have no idea how you managed to survive court cases Mystic_Duck it must have taken so much strength to go through all that. Right now, its more like the darkness on the horizon thats terrifying me. Thinking about it makes me feel claustrophobic almost. My dad keeps threatening to do it because he's still paying her child support, cant claim me on his taxes, and is not my legal guardian by law. He has ever right to, so I can't just tell him "no! don't do it! I can't do it!" you know? I feel awful for even wanting to hinder him in doing it. I just don't know if I would be strong enough to testify. Like actually get up on a stand and say everything in front of my whole family. And everything I've ever accidentially told my mother will be used against me and it will get so nasty. Seriously, it seems like a trechorous event to go through.

I'm kind of nervous to go on chat rooms or anything more intimate than this to be completely honest. This is the first time I've actually truly opened up at all and I'm pretty out of my element right now :/ I'm trying so much I just, i dont know, this is as hard for me as it is helpful.