HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Abusive Father...help

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 7/21/2009 2:59 AM (GMT 0)

My mom died a few months ago and ever since my dad has been taking his anger and sadness out on me. He abuses me almost every night after he gets home from work and it is really starting to scare me because it keeps getting worse. I am too scared to tell any of my friends and I really have no one else to go to..I just turned 14 and I'm already struggling with my mother dying(from cancer) and then now I also have to deal with my dad and all the pain.. I just don't know what to do. Please Help! I would appreciate it greatly.

Posted 7/21/2009 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
Ronaldo,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. That must have been really hard on you. It is never okay for someone to hurt another person, even if they are very sad. Please do consider calling a line dedicated to helping youth in these situations. Here are a couple of numbers:

National Runaway Switchboard (not just for runaways) -- 1.800.RUN.AWAY
Covenant House NineLine -- 1.800.999.9999

Both of these services can talk to you about options in your area -- getting out of the house more often, finding another family member to stay with, talking to your dad (if that's possible), reporting to Child & Family Services, etc.

I do want to encourage you that there are a lot of options out there. There are a lot of people who are willing to help. You are always welcome to post here & I'm sure other members will be along before long to welcome you to Healing Well. I just think that the situation with your dad is awfully rough & you could really use someone who is trained in that area to help you. But please do come & post here anytime you need support. Everyone here is really great at offering care & support whenever needed.

take care,
Frances
Posted 7/21/2009 8:17 AM (GMT 0)
dear soccer, frances has given you some excellent info. sorry for your loss. you need to talk to someone. by doing so your dad can get some help. i feel he is struggling and you being close are unfairly coping his anger. if you feel that dad is becoming too violent, which is starting to happen then i would leave this place as it toxic for you. remember that you need to feel safe and supported, once that safety is breached i suggest you get out. keep safe, i have been abused as a young person myself. by staying in the situation your dad will not see that he is unwell. i wish i spoke up earlier myself, yeah scary, but the sooner you talk to someone the sooner dad, and you can get help. i admire your courage in posting. i am here for you, as we all are at the depression forum. remember to look after you. jamie.

male, 37.

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder-and survivor.

Posted 7/21/2009 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
Well I can't just run away I'd be too scared..I mean I don't even have anywhere to go..and I can't drive yet either. Am I supposed to confront him about or do something else??
Posted 7/21/2009 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

I think you're right, running away isn't really an option you should consider, you're young at 14 and you need the support from your parents at your age. I have a sister who is 14, and while I truelly believe she is in quite a toxic enviroment with my parents, I would never be able to move her from that, and she would never be able to run away. Luckily in 2 years, she can make those desicions for herself.

I think Frances has given you some sound advice. The phone numbers she has provided, may be able to provide just simple support for both you and your Dad, in what must be a very difficult time for you both. Frances is also right, in that sadness doesn't mean that violence should follow, and it is unfair that your Dad is taking this out on you.

I'm sorry you are being put through this, so soon after your mums death. It must be a lot for you to take in. Take Frances's advice and phone the support people. They might be able to help.

Hope things go ok from here

Gem
Posted 7/21/2009 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Soccer,
I wasn't suggesting you run away. You're right that running away is a really horrible option. There are now several states in which running away is a misdemeanor offense. In all but two (I think) of the other states, it is a status offense which means it won't go on your record, but you would be returned to your legal guardian if the police find you out on the streets, with a friend/family member who was not given permission by your legal guardian to let you stay with them, or anywhere else.

I don't say that to judge anyone who felt they needed to run away. In very rare instances, that may be the only safe option, but, in the U.S. at least, there are a lot of alternatives that should be explored before thinking about running away. If after learning about all the other options & trying other ways of handling the situation with your father you still are unable to work things out & your life is in danger, the NRS will do what they can to help keep runaways safe, but it is really hard & a lot of young people are hurt very badly in a lot of different ways once they run away -- they are abused, forced to break the law, tricked in to or forced to use drugs, and many more things. I think you are very smart to want to try other things that would allow you to stay in a safe home.

The reason I gave you those numbers was so you could explore in depth what other options you might have. They are confidential hotlines that will let you talk about your problems & what solutions might work for you. As an alternative, you could try talking to a trusted adult about what's going on at home. I didn't suggest that at first because many professionals are "mandated reporters" which means that when they hear or see that a youth is being abused by an adult they have to call the authorities and file a report. If you would like to file a report & want a teacher, coach, religious leader, counselor, doctor to help you do that or to file the report for you, perhaps talking to them would be the best option for you.

In any case, any option that helps you to find a smart, healthy way to get to a safe home, whether with your father or with someone else, is an option that I would support you with & I'm sure other members will support you as well regardless of what you decide is best & safest for you. Please let us know how we can support you.

peace,
Frances
Posted 7/21/2009 11:51 PM (GMT 0)

I am so sorry for your loss.  I loss my Mother at a very young age and inherited a Step Mom.  I know how verbal abuse feels.

It sounds like you are from the USA, sorry if I am wrong. Here are a couple other numbers for you:

USA Hotlines:

National Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453

National Youth Crisis Hotline 800-448-4663

Please pick up the phone and call someone who may be able to help you and your Dad.

With kindest personal regards,
Kitt


 

Posted 7/22/2009 12:06 AM (GMT 0)
hi SoccerObsessed, sorry about your lost and how your dad is treating you. I know it is hard but you must find a way to stop this, I would suggest you to confront your dad, tell him if the abuse won't stop you may call the authoroties, see how he would respond to that. don't be afraid , you need to be strong and make sure you stand up for yourself. also the numbers frances and kit provided are a good thing to try as well, to see what kind of options you have. I think if your dad continues to abuse you even after your warnings to call the authorities, then you should go ahead and contact the authorities, don't be afraid you have to do something to resolve this issue.. good luck to you!
Posted 7/22/2009 8:46 AM (GMT 0)

SoccerObsessed said...
Well I can't just run away I'd be too scared..I mean I don't even have anywhere to go..and I can't drive yet either. Am I supposed to confront him about or do something else??

From HARA: I know you don't want to loose your dad to, but you have to at least tell a police officer. I know you are scarred and don't want to confront your dad but right now it is NOT OK to take his grief and pain out on you.

Posted 7/22/2009 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Okay, I'll try to call one of those hotlines..but will my dad go to Jail?? I know he is hurting me but I don't want him to go to Jail..
Posted 7/22/2009 7:00 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your Mother!
but for your father to take it out on you is just not right..
You need to get help and the others posted great ideas,
so call a hot line or got seek help from a church..
I was abused by my brothers growing up and ran away twice only to be taken home again,
so running away just won't help..
so call a hotline and soon..
will keep you in my thoughts....
Posted 7/22/2009 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
hi,
I am so sorry for your loss, it's not your fault your dad can't cope but it should be burdened on you. He is the adult and has a duty to do right by you.
please call one of the lines and let us know how you are
Take care
Posted 7/23/2009 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Soccer,
They could probably give you much better & more specific advice through one of those hotlines b/c they can ask what state you are from & look up the laws or legal resources in your area. Generally, though your dad would not go to jail unless you pressed charges against him. By filing a report with Child & Family Services, they talk with you & decide whether or not to open an investigation. During an investigation, they would try to see what is going on in your home. That would include several different things, depending on the investigator, but could possibly include things like: checking you out for any marks on your body, asking other adults whether you have shown signs of being abused, possibly talking with your father about it, and possibly conducting home visits. If needed, they may do other things to try to find out what is going on. After all of that, they would make a recommendation. That could be as little as a follow-up call to check on your welfare at a later date or as much as removing you from the home immediately to the custody of a safe adult (could be a family member or other known adult, or it could be a foster family or group home.
I have had a couple of occasions to file reports on behalf of my students. In the one case, the abusive parent was assigned to mandatory anger management classes, stress-management classes, parenting classes, group therapy, regular check-ins with the investigator, regular unannounced home visits from the investigator, and regular follow-ups with teachers, counselors & others who interacted with the child. The parent improved significantly as a result of the intervention & the child was so much happier that everyone around him noticed that he didn't seem so sad, scared & withdrawn.
In another case, the child was removed from the custody of one parent & placed in the full-time permanent custody of the other parent (who had previously lost custody of the child). The parent who was investigated was determined to be severely bipolar & refused to seek treatment for the illness. Through the investigation it was discovered that during the parent's depressive episodes the child was not fed or cared for in any way, during the manic episodes, the child was seriously verbally & physically abused.

The courts do not easily remove a youth from their parent's custody, especially without the parent's consent. More often, they will try to find a way to work with the parent to help him/her to find better outlets for their aggression. It is not effective 100% of the time, but I have seen it work. If your dad was not abusive before the loss of your mom then I think there is a much better chance that he could find a way to get back to treating you properly. If he has always been abusive, any "solution" would need to take that into consideration & it would typically be much harder for the parent to change.

I do hope that you are able to make a call to a hotline. I really do think they could help you come up with a good solution for you.

take care,
Frances
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply