why is this happening?

We can't always get a grasp on our feelings, they are just there. You could have mixed emotions right now because of 'him'. You might just be longing for emotions that you experienced when he was alive. It is hard to say. We all grieve in our own way and there is no time limit and no set rules. So this could be a part of the grieving process or it could be your way of moving on. Either way, take it slow, give yourself time to think things out thoroughly. Get right with yourself and follow your heart.

Hugs, Karen

the emotions that i have towards him are very clear. he means so much to me, and i dont think i'll ever move on, hes a big part of me, more than i let anyone know, ive tried to stay positive and try to think things will get better, but theres always that "what will my life be without him" its always present everywhere i go, i feel as if ill see him or that ill talk to him id give anything to be able to do that again, i dont know how to move forward with my life knowing that he didnt didnt get a chance its not fair and what kills me is that i didnt get the chance to say goodbye. i havent gone to his gravesite yet im afraid to i dont want to but at the same time i do because i know he would want me to but im scared. Karen thank you so much for replying it means alot and Jaime your words are so comforting they give me a new perspective thank you .

thank you soo much Jaime, your words comfort me and make me think positively, i realize he wants me to be happy im just too hurt to do so, i want to be happy for him, but i cant bring myself to that, i dont know how to be me anymore, my heart aches, i cry alot, the tears just come without warning, im reminded of him everywhere i am, even when im dazed and not thinking about anything , something eventually comes up and im reminded of him , theres not one single day that passes where he doesnt cross my mind and its times like these i wish i was with him.