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Posted 8/3/2009 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Heeja,

I am sorry. Every time I've been away from HW I seem to come back here with a "negative" message. Just got back from vacation, it was OK, though I had some really hard days. And now I don't feel so well again.

The point is, I feel alone. Like really alone. And I have a thousand things that are bothering me, making me feel depressed, but maybe it is all nothing compared to the fact that I have no one to discuss those things with. And I find it quite hard to admit this, as I don't want to speak negative of you in any way, but internet just doesn't seem to compare with life outside. Maybe it is due to the fact that my appearance is what is bugging me a lot, and that part is left out in internet discussion.

Ok, right now I am crying myself to sleep. Well, not exactly since I failed and now trying to sooth my mind by writing something down. But I just don't know where to put my thoughts. It feels like there is no way out for them. No one to share them with. And I honestly don't have any idea what solve it. To those I open up the most as they seem to be the only ones interested, there still is a no go area. And that is because it is the "cry-zone". I can not talk about it without falling into tears. And that is not due to being afraid of being a wimp or anything of that, it is because I think crying makes me even more ugly. And I already feel like an abomination in my normal state. It just isn't an option. I want it to be an option, but for that, certain circumstances need to be met. Like, with my therapist, I can't cry for A) I don't feel comfortable enough, and B) you have to get back home after the session. Going out into the public with tears in my eyes scares the crap out of me. And besides my therapist there is no one I feel comfortable with to talk these things over, at least not directly.

One way to fix that problem seems to find someone who truly loves you. As love in my dictionary is caring about the happiness of the other. One problem is though, I feel I am not worthy of true love unless I am able to do so myself. And that is bugging me. I try my very best to be happy and love myself in order to love others (in like every living thing on this planet, not just someone), but I feel like I am faking it most of the time, and it consumes massive amounts of energy. I am worn down before dinner trying this. But where is the start? Do I have to be able to truly love someone before I am worthy of receiving true love from someone else, or will true love from someone else be the key to be able to truly love someone myself? And to go further, will someone ever love me truly, will that someone be someone I can in fact talk to freely, and if so, will talking help me to get over my problems? Is love what I need to get out, or is it just another not working option my mind came up with, and I keep thinking about for the simple fact I haven't got the chance to put it to the test. I mean, how can you know something works when you can't experience it...

Bah

Erik
Posted 8/3/2009 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Before I loved myself I had to accept myself with all my flaws and imperfections.
Now I can laugh at me. I've learned not to take myself so seriously. I had to start
by accepting myself as perfect just the way I was in this very moment and I began
to attract others. Maybe this could work for you.
Posted 8/3/2009 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
erik my dear friend, understand the need for the physical-in terms of the net! love is a complex thing, it comes in many forms. you have shown love to yourself in your post. i think a change in focual thought may help...i.e. the here and now. love is many things, from a stranger, from the warmth of the sun, from you helping someone, from a smile, from going for a walk, and smelling the roses. and from me. love is univesal......the hw community have received heaps of your love......be kind to yourself.....in time things will improve. even in the most darkest of times loves burning light still shines......even when we think it has gone out!

with loving compassion to you.

-jamie

Posted 8/3/2009 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

You do have to accept yourself for who you are and then truly learn to love yourself. People love us and we don't even know it sometimes. People that we least expect. And some of us never do find out.

But you have to realize that love is perennial as the grass. It comes and goes in our lifetime. It is all around us. It can be everywhere. You have to carry it with you wherever you go. As you grow and live you learn this. It is there more than we know.


I think learning to live in the moment is so important Erik. You know this, but maybe have gone adrift. That happens when we are depressed. But start from the beginning. Take life one day at a time. You will meet someboy special to you one day. It just has to happen when the time is right. And I know that you love all things. You are just having a hard time relating to that right now. Maybe your mind is clouded with something else at this time and you just don't realize what it is.

When you are in the midst of your meditation, see if your thoughts are straying. Think about what it is that is clouding your mind. It will come to you. Then you can learn what to steer clear of while thinking. We can learn to have control of our thoughts and keep them positive. It just takes some getting back into. I know that you can do this Erik.

Keep trying.

PS I announced chat last week. Do you want to do it this week? I don't know if anybody showed up, I had a doctor's appointment. And was gone all day. I hope to make it this week.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/3/2009 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
I know just what you mean.. the crying and weakness and love... I get it.. I have had a terrible week. I have so much going through my head and SO much is bothering me, but I dont feel like talking about any of it to anyone. Its a while before I see my therapist or psych so, I cant rely on that. It doesnt matter anyways because I never talk to them anyways. I do, I say simple things, but I never tell them the truth. And everytime I go I just feel even more guilty because I have lied to them everytime I go... So, I feel like I tell them everytime I go I cant say how I feel because then they will know I have lied to them in the past...

So, I have had a terrible week and I continue to have a hard time... Im not sure whats going on, and Im not sure if my medicine is working or not. I mean, it cant right?... if I still feel bad, then its not working.. I just have so much going on right now and so much going through my head... I have so many thoughts, and no one to talk to about them all... so, Im just stuck... all alone.. no one to talk to.. just myself.. I just cry myself to sleep.. Yesterday I punched a mirror... it didnt break, but bruised my hand good... I dont know.. I just got so frustrated..

I have been carrying a lot of anger around for some reason.. Well, anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone... and if you ever want to talk, I am here for ya... Take care of yourself..

Posted 8/3/2009 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Erik,

I know exactly what you mean.  I love my HW family but I have cut myself off from people, out of distrust, for so long, I no longer have any friends.  My husband is supportive to a degree but does not fully understand.  The thing I have figured out about love, and jamiee is right - it takes many different shapes and forms - is that when you are not looking for it or even thinking about it, that is when it is most likely to hit you like a ton of bricks.  We all have things we do not like about ourselves, change what you can and accept the rest.  I wish I could be more upbeat or have something extremely profound to say today, but it is just not coming out of me right now.

 

Hang in...........

 

Gem

Posted 8/3/2009 10:40 PM (GMT 0)

Erik,

Thinking of you and I understand exactly how you feel.  As Karen posted my favorite advice.............."Stay in the moment as it will serve you well".................please do know this is the one thing that works the very best for me.  :-) Don't worry about yesterday for it is gone and tomorrow does not yet belong to us so be the best that you can be in the now. 

Believe in yourself and know you are a good, kind and wonderful person.  We all believe in you.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

Posted 8/4/2009 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
I feel the same things you are feeling Erik, wishing you had somebody to talk to, wanting sometimes to talk about your problems but sometimes just to talk but theres no one. It's difficult, communication is a huge thing and when there is nobody there for you it can leave us feeling extremely depressed. I find myself sitting on MSN for hours at a time talking to people I barely even know just to talk. Like you said though, the internet doesn't compare to real life. Due to circumstances when I was younger I've lost a lot of friends and I'm trying to sort my life out to get back on track and get some friends again so i just feel normal. Hope things get better for you Erik
Posted 8/4/2009 3:45 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Erik,

I hope you are feeling a bit better about things today.  I also hope you have had a chance to read all the loving replies to your post.

We are here for you but I do hope you can find someone to talk to face to face that will understand how your feel.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

Posted 8/5/2009 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik, I know it is so hard sometimes to find true intimacy with another person…..whether it be in the form of true love, or a friendship with someone with whom you can share your innermost feelings. It takes time, and risk, and sometimes it means trying and not succeeding with a few people before you find someone who is a good fit for you, as a friend or as a lover. I know it can be painful and frustrating when you do not have it, and you long for it. I really believe most of us go through times in our lives when we feel that way. Please know, I am not trivializing what you are feeling at all……rather, I am suggesting that many people feel this way and experience this at different times in their lives, and so you are definitely not alone in this. You’ve asked some really tough questions about love. I believe that all of us are worthy of love, just by being here. I really believe that, in my heart. Love can take so many different forms…..for example, I have loved others who have not loved me in the same way, and there have been those who have loved me whom I have not loved as deeply in return. And on some very wonderful occasions, there has been mutual love, at a deep level, which has lasted for a time, with intimacy and the ability to share the wildest, craziest and most private thoughts and feelings. I can’t say that I happened upon that kind of love because I truly loved myself as well as I could…..there have been times when I have felt very negatively towards myself, and yet I have loved another person, or they have loved me. I think we are capable of unconditional love for others, even when we are struggling within ourselves, and I think others can love us unconditionally, as well. I don’t know if this helps to answer any of your questions, or whether I have confused the issue further, but one thing I do want to make clear to you: you are a loveable person, Erik, and I feel certain that you will find that intimacy you crave with another person, and it will be wonderful. Don’t ever give up hope for that. You will have it, and you are definitely worthy.
Posted 8/5/2009 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
i know exactly how everyone feels when they're depressed...so alone.....so out there......anybody that has never experienced depression cannot really know how it feels...they thin you can just snap out of it....like we choose to feel this way...that we know why we feel this way....thats bull.....I myself cannot explain why i wake up in the morning feeling so down....when i know i went to be feeling fine......if i knew how to change it I sure would

 

Posted 8/5/2009 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Nite-Rider, I'm glad you joined us, and I hope you will feel welcome to come back and share some more. You're right....it's tough for people who have never experienced depression to know how it feels, and that is what's so good about this forum.....we all know how it feels, and we can relate to each other's struggles. We'd love to get to know you better, so please keep posting with us. This is a really supportive group of people.
Posted 8/5/2009 8:20 AM (GMT 0)
yes. ditto nite-rider. welcome.

with loving compassion.

jamie

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

Posted 8/5/2009 1:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Erik,

If you are reading, I wish that you would let us know how you are doing.

Know that we are all here for you. Please keep us posted. It has been a few days since you posted and I am wondering how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/5/2009 2:51 PM (GMT 0)
nite_rider2000

Hello and welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  You have joined a forum of wonderful members that know where you are coming from and what you are going through. 


I have found the support, validation and encouragement that I receive here, to be so helpful and healing. I hope and trust that will be your experience as a member of the HW family.

Please do feel comfortable in starting a thread of your own as we are all here to support you.

Kind Regards,
Kitt


 
Posted 8/5/2009 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
Heej,

Sorry... I am confused. Everything seems to fall apart. The battery is dead, and nowhere to recharge. I mean, I am so selfish. I feel sadness for myself instead of happiness for another when they find love somewhere. Just another failure.

I can't sleep, can't shut these thoughts up. I try to be positive and finding happiness around me and I can, but it just drains energy. And once that energy is gone, it won't come back. I am so scared...
Posted 8/5/2009 10:53 PM (GMT 0)

Erik,

Do you have a Doctor or a therapist to see that can help you out right now?  I sense some real desperation in your words.

Please know that life will get better and believe in yourself.  We all believe in you and we are here for you but do find someone you can talk to face to face.  Someone that you trust and will help you through this tough time. 

Remember Depression is something that likes to pop in and take us for a wild ride so hang on tight my friend and use all the tools you have to get through this rough time.

Gentle Hugs and prayers,

Kitt

Posted 8/6/2009 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik,

You do sound like you could use somebody to talk to right now. We are here for you though, no matter what.

Remember you are only human. You are going to have hard times, and we want to be there for you, but, I feel that you could benefit with some one on one like Kitt said.

Keep posting, we are all here to listen and help in any way that we can. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/6/2009 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
hey man i know how you feel im kinda going through the same thing i dont really love myself. and the crying thing man. i dont like going into public with tears in my eyes but i just got back from camp a couple of weeks ago. it was called young life. its a christian organisation. and we were haven club (were everyone goes and we sing songs and a guy comes and talks about god and we do activities and other stuff) but one day there was a really bad subject that came up where like 20 people came through the certains with sines of what they were going through and the first one that came through the certains ha to deal with me see this girl had lost her father and i had los my father 2 years ago and just so many oher thing came up and i couldnt stop crying and it was horrible but really why care what they think. and i cried just earlyer today about everting thats going on and it felt good to release it. and i don think it make you uglyer i think crying helps you grow and become a better person. but really the main thing im going through is love. i fell in love with a girl but she doesnt feel the same she wants just to be best friends but i can't take the pain of seeing her with another guy but man i do thing that falling for someone who feels the same about you will help alot but thats just me man. sry i couldnt be much of help. and sry i shared a lil to much of my story wwhen i was trying to help you. but i hope it all works out man.

your friend- Brandon T
Posted 8/6/2009 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
Heej,

Thanks for the support, I think I forgot to say that in my previous post. Yes Kitt, the last couple of days have been really hard. Right now, I still don't very high hopes, but at least I know what to expect from a couple of individuals I was doubting there allegiance. It hasn't turned out the way I would choose if I were to, but having some certainty certainly beats the doubt :-). So now I hope to get on with life.

To give you some insight on one of the right now positive thoughts of me: The pain you feel when you are over your ears in love with someone and that person doesn't return is probably one of the most hurtful things around. So I try to be grateful to the fact that I can experience it now, so that I may grow ever stronger. And besides that, I believe that as long as there is craving from my part, there is a part in me that wants something for the sake of me. True love is wanting the best for the other, even if it isn't what you would choose. So the pain I feel is deserved in some way, it is "fake" pain, caused by a twisted ego that want things for itself. So right now, I am trying to get some sort of revenge on my ego for it dominated the battle the last couple of days. It feels good to smile again.

So yet again I announce I will try to spend more time on HW :-). Right now is vacation, so there is plenty of time. And maybe I'll try to keep talking about me. Since I don't like talking about me as it makes me feel egoistic, I will set up something like I can post a message about me for every 10 I answer or so :-). That way it'll hopefully feel better.

So really, how are you all doing? If you come to read this, please leave a little hint if you want, as I would love to know.

A big hug to you all, and thanks yet again for saving me!!

Erik
Posted 8/9/2009 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
erik, some great self-actualization. hint: too many visitors who don't take the hint to leave! sister who thinks i am a ATM. nephew around the corner, has visited twice, 2 x 5 min visits in 7yrs. busy studying, busy medically but managing. thx to some beautiful people on this forum who have taught me about the here and now. other issues-not here and now stuff!! in summary, tired-good tired, but up and down. keep strong my dear friend.

with loving compassion. jamie.

Posted 8/9/2009 5:48 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Erik,

Glad to see you are doing your best to deal with your feelings. 

As for me, I do not have a lot of people around and I have been having some down times so I will be restarting on a medication this week.  I have not crashed but I just feel life could be better and I promised myself that if I started to plumment I would go back on an AD but never the one I was on.

So I may have a rough 4 weeks or so to get onto the med but I am hoping for the best.  It is just of case of doing it.  And I will just do it !

Peace,

Kitt

Posted 8/10/2009 9:42 AM (GMT 0)
kitt, i wish you well on the new ad. sorry you are down..thus i send healing love your way. with loving compassion my friend. jamie.
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