Starting Over

Hi all. I'm going to try and make some sense out of this, so bear with me. I left my wife and her 3 teenaged children a few months ago. We never saw eye to eye on parenting and financial issues from the outset of our marriage, even though we talked prior to being married about how we would tackle these things together. It became very clear soon after we were married that she was just giving me lipservice, and doing what she felt was right, even if I disagreed. I hung in there, and tried to 'adjust' for 5 years, and well, I came to the realization, that I had given up all of the things that I hold in high regard morally and became someone I really didn't like very much.

I made the decision to leave, and left most everything behind, as I felt those children needed 'stuff' more than I do, as this would be their second divorce to endure. I'm lawyered up and the process is moving forward.

I've been through therapy in my younger years, and benefitted highly from it. These days, however, I can't really afford it, as I'm trying to refurnish my little place, and well, I don't make that much money in the first place. I get depressed rather easily, as I'm sure I'm still trying to 'make it' through my daily routine. Every time I have to go buy something new for my apartment seems like more of a setback than a positive event. I'm more disappointed that I've somehow failed in a relationship, and wonder if I'm just not wired right to be involved with ANYONE.

I lost track/touch with most of my friends that I had prior to being married, so am relying/leaning on one very good friend, who has been my rock as of late. (no romantic involvement there, truly a good friend.) So, I'm not used to being lonely, not used to living with nothing, and not used to going out and trying to meet new people.

The funny thing is, I'm all my friends' therapist, I just can't seem to figure out what to do to 'turn the corner' on this awful, feeling of sadness and despair. I'm not talking about suicidal thoughts, just the 'wow my life sucks' kinda stuff. At 46, starting over is really not that cool of a feeling. It's just a little difficult right now, as most people I know have families of their own to take care of, they don't seem to have the time to spend talking with me about my current 'journey'.

Thanks for reading.

Hi there,

Maybe this is a new beginning for you. A time to get to know yourself and grow. I would get some self help books and work on that. Take nice walks, do meditation. Use this time a growing process. It is all in the mind. Don't give up. Things change for a reason.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

I think trying to make a marriage work with 3 children already in the picture would be pretty hard.  Sounds like when you left you were trying to think of them and not yourself which says alot about you, in a very positive way.  Life does suck sometimes and really what are you going to do about it?  You do the best you can everyday, take care of yourself, be kind to other people and all of a sudden something really good happens and like does not seem so sucky anymore.  I hope you feel better soon.  You always have lots of outstanding people here to talk to.

Gem

Hello Loudest.  When you said the following "that I had given up all of the things that I hold in high regard morally and became someone I really didn't like very much."  That tells me you had made the right decision by leaving.  In my past I have experienced losing myself in a relationship and that is so unhealthy.  Compromising who we are is not a positive thing.   Good luck on discovering yourself again and making new friends. 

i do. jamie. stay positive, what you are doing is good. i wish you healings and positive renewal. regards. jamie