nonstop tears

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with so much guilt and pain and fear?

I guess you need to take first things first.  What is going on right now that you can actually take positive steps to resolve?  Is your spouse angry because you are upset?  I know you said no money, no insurance, four kids..........I only have 2 kids but I have been in that "rock and a hard Place" many times over the years and it does feel bad and overwhelming.  I also know that when you have no money or it is very tight that it puts a strain on all aspects of your life.  Don't give up, talk to me some more, any time, tell me what is going on...........I do care and if I have any valuable advice I can give I will.  You are not alone.........What is really going on?

Gem

well, it is good to see some response...
I am 34 yrs old, I have 4 children (8, 6, 2, 1), I do run a daycare with 4 to 6 additional children.
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and addictions my whole life.
My mother was diagnosed bipolar, and committed suicide 5 years ago.
I have been to some counseling, but not for quite a while, not for a long period of time and it does not seem like an option now.
I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old. (He was 16). We have been married 13 years.
When I was 21 yrs old, the year we got married, and for 3 years after that, I had a drug and alcohol problem.
As a result, I made many poor choices, including random, repeated infidelity. I cheated 11 times over that 3.5 year period. He found out, and I said I had to leave, not because I wanted out or wanted something different, but because I knew that I had broken his heart and I loved him too much and felt I did not deserve him.
I left for 2 days and then returned to beg him to take me back.
I was at an all time low.
He refused, I left in great turmoil, and sat outside of a church and begged God to take care of me.
He found me there a couple of hours later and told me he loved me and would forgive me. I felt that God stepped in and gave me another chance, too.
The next year was hard. I stopped using but he increased and with it came a lot of abandonment. He would leave and not come home for days, and I would wait, sick with worry, but felt that I deserved it. Of course I did, I cheated on him and lied to him.
As time went on, he got a little better and we started our family. My life was punctuated with bouts of joy and grief. Over and over.
A year and a half ago, May 16, 08, he suddenly, out of the blue, wanted to ask me specific details about my infidelity.
Who, What, Where, When, and of couse, Why.
This last year has been hell, He has replaced his drug problem with a sex addiction, and of course I am glad he wants me, but sometimes it feels really demeaning.
He is angry at me a lot and blames me for his anger, and for changing him into someone he hates.
My worth is very low, I literally feel shredded. Like my backbone is gone, and all that is left is a big black hole.
it hurts

Thanks
...it is a daily struggle. My kids are gifts from God..perfectly beautiful and healthy. That is where I get joy, but we all know kids are also a lot of work and patience.
Thanks

Anything worth having is alot of work my dear.  Consider yourself lucky you have healthy beautiful children.  I hope today finds you feeling better.  Leave the past where it is and look to the future and enjoy the present.  Let us know how things are going for you.

 

Gem

Well last night was a blowout..I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and tried to talk to him about needing more sleep and that sometimes my emotions make it difficult for me to put on a smile when I feel like I can't stop crying.
He got angry and told me too bad, he has to stuff it down and put on a smile everyday, and he is has it so much worse than me because I ruined him and he saved me, that I should realize how $##%#%$ lucky I am and don't come sniveling to him for sympathy. PLus, my lies have tarnished everything we have and that if he would have known all the facts 10 years ago, our marriage and our children would have never existed.
That was when I went in and for the first time in a long time I didn't sleep in our bed but in my daughters room.
I feel like yes I know that I was wrong, that I lied and cheated, and that I felt so bad I could barely look at myself for a long time. That I tried to give him the opportunity to start a new life and that my mistakes did not mean that I loved him any less. That because of my screwed up upbringing, insecurity and abuse that I acted out in the worst way possible...but I thought that when he said he would forgive me and he wanted to stay with me that he loved me. If I would have been with 1 guy 11 times or 2 guys 5 times or 11 guys 1 time, either way it was cheating, I don't understand why when he knew I cheated 10 years ago, why it seems so much worse to him now. He never asked me about it back then. He said he would forgive me and love me and I thought that it didn't matter to him or he would have asked.(not that it didn't matter, but that cheating is cheating.) I admitted I had been cheating, I admitted it was more than once and that is all he asked and I wasn't about to go throw myself under the bus and volunteer additional information. I was trying to forgive myself and work on being healthy and not dwelling on negative issues.
In May when he asked about details, I understand that he
never got over it and he needed additional info to cope, but should I have lied? I did tell myself that if he ever asked I would have to tell him the truth...and he asked and I told him. Why did he ask if he couldn't handle the answer?
Now I wish I would have not answered..
I feel like, Yes, I lied and cheated but that the miracle of our children is proof that we were meant to be together. That if that wouldn't have happened, who knows how our life would have gone, we wouldn't have our kids and that the pain of past mistakes is worth it for the joy of our kids.
It kills me to think that he feels like our kids and our marriage is all some scam I roped him into, and that he got the raw end of the deal. I feel like we all make mistakes, his behavior over the years hasn't been perfect, he has caused a lot of pain to me..not by cheating with other women but by putting drugs and alcohol before me and that is the same type of feeling. That his actions when we were teenagers lead me to make some of the choices I made, by influencing me with drugs, alcohol and ****ography. I am not blaming him...we were both kids, but it is a contributing factor. I see it as we both $#^%$ up in our own ways and I don't sit and throw all of his stupid decisions in his face everyday, and say things like if it weren't for your lies our life would have never existed. I could say that...If it weren't for his influential drug use, my mistakes would have never happened.
This morning he acts like nothing ever happened...like always. Stuff it in, and don't make waves. I learned again that my feelings aren't really worthy of understanding, that his feelings overrule mine, and that I better put on a smile and some fresh lipstick if I want to keep him.
hmmmm...

Thanks Gem you have been so kind and responsive.

I am writing all of the crap I can't talk about to anyone.
I know it sounds harsh...but in fact I do feel better today.
He does love me, and I am not projecting a true image of him. He is a loving, supportive father and husband most of the time. He has been really really good to me most of the time.

I recognize his pain and I wish I could erase the hurt. I know he has done more than most men would, by staying. I know he loves our children more than anything and that my emotional turmoil is a trigger for his anger.

I know that falling into a pattern of guilt, shame, leads to depression and anxiety, which in turn adds more guilt and shame. I recognize my mental health issues and need to work on coping skills before I get like I was last night.
My loving, forgiving Husband is not a therapist and I shouldn't try to approach him that way.

Hi there,

You might have to face the fact that he is always going to bring this up, which isn't fair. But it sounds like he isn't going to forgive or forget. Then you have to decide if it is going to be worth living with this for the rest of your life.

I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you. There are programs that help people with low income, I would suggest checking with your local mental health facility.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just think he is continually punishing you for things that you don't deserved to be punished for. What you did is in the past and that is where it should remain. But some people hang on to these things and don't let go. And will punish you everytime it comes to his mind.

You are doing a lot with the day care and all. I commend you for that. But his drug use is bothering me. You don't need that anymore. Plus it is illegal. And you are taking care of other people's children. I hope that he keeps it private. And away from the children.

You have a lot to think about. You do sound a lot better than you did. I do recommend one day at a time as was posted by somebody above. Keep a clear head. And keep trying. Look into some free mental health information. It does exist. There are also some online programs that are free. I believe it is called moodgym. I have the website somewhere, I will try to find it.

I hope that you continue to feel better and can be happy with a real smile on your face.

Best wishes,

Hugs Karen

Here is the site...  http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/   I hope that this helps you...

You are right.
I know that attitude goes a long way.
I know that I might have to live with his pain and recurring anger forever if I so choose to stay.

I don't have suicidal thoughts ever. I am so angry at my mom for doing what she did that I would never.

I do have Morbid ideation as a form of anxiety. I am very afraid of losing loved ones and I think it is a form of PTSD from losing a parent to suicide. I have come a long way in recovering from a kind of seriously intense anxiety I had after she passed.
My husband no longer uses drugs. I mentioned that he seems to have shifted to a sexual addiction, I think it is directly related to his trying to cope with the concept of my infidelity, by almost obsessively wanting sex with me. I also am happy with him and 99% of the time it is fine but if within the 1% of the time I don't want to, he takes it as a personal attack or insult on him.

By saying that I see signs of my Mom, I mean her fear was a huge factor. I struggle with fear. Her guilt and shame was another problem and I recognize the same feelings. I do need to do something different...she was 58, I am 34. I have a long ways to go.

I am truly afraid of medication, I really don't want to open up a can of worms...Having this opportunity is good. I have been able to vent and spill out some of the overwhelming emotions I have.

By telling my story I am forced to think about from an outside perspective. I want people to see it for what it is, I am not trying to gain sympathy, but want to present the facts.

I am truly in pain. But so is he...we could split and tear our kids lives apart and still be in immense pain, or we can try to keep on loving each other the best we can together, and at least we have had many good memories.

He has never abused me physically, or our kids and I can see how hard he tries to keep a positive attitude. I try too, but sometimes it is just harder than others. Maybe it is the season, the moon phase, my hormones...who knows..



does anyone have any advice on non-medication options to relieve stress, and regain joy?

Have you ever though about doing meditation? It helps me a lot. Also walking is a great source of stress relief. Exercising is good. Proper diet really helps too. I can see that you are really thinking a lot healthier. And I agree that it is from venting as we all need to do. I am glad that you feel that the forum is helping you and I can see by this last post that is really has. I hope that you continue to post and take advantage of what wee all have to offer you.

Sometimes just putting your words down as you have here helps. And getting advice from an annonymous person can help. They are objective and that is what you need right now. Rememb er to try to take things one at a time.

I know what you mnean about the horrible thoughts that you have. I use to do that too. Often it would come out of nowhere when I was completely happy. I think that was a way of undermining my own happiness. Or it could have been from bad things happining when I would least expect it too. It came frome things that happened in my childhood. I would have the most morbid thoughts. But I don't find that happening anymore. At least not in a long time. But I think that we tend to worry about bad things happening. And living in the moment really helps to prevent that.

I hope that this has helped you some. I have enjoyed talking to you. And I am glad that you sound a lot better.

Hugs, Karen

Gem,

I don't talk about it much, but my mother was the same way. She was not well, didn't want me and was also difficult to be around. I ws also worried about turning out like her, but I didn't. At least now yet anyway. Hopefully never.

I meditate too and I think it is cool that you do. I agree with you about the medications. It sure can help make life go a lot easier. They have saved me.

I hope that you have a great day.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

Gem,

I think you are a wonderful person and I love to read your inspirational posts. Keep up the good work. Stay happy.

Many hugs,

Karen