She's agreed to get help... but now how do I act while I wait?

I am feeling great, and loving life, but every day’s an adventure. The lady, Megan, has finally admitted she’s likely in a depression swing and is going to see a doctor about meds this week. It’s been rough, but I’m optimistic. She’s a loyal and caring lady, but this depression is making her unable to take joy in anything other than her dogs. I finally got mad, told her that she needs to get help, and walked out to spend the night at my mom’s… a tactic I never tried with Jo (my ex who was manic depressive and cheated on me).

She called me later, told me she was very sorry for the things she said, that she doesn’t know what’s happening, and that she’s going to get help. Years ago, an ex (several in fact, but this most recent one was worst) walked all over her, verbally and physically abusing her. Put her into a depression. She thought it was gone when she got out of that relationship, got treatment and felt better… but for whatever reason it came back about two months ago and has only gotten worse. She told me when it started, and said she’d be fine, but she can’t seem to climb out of it.

At least, after I finally grew a pair and told her she was being unfair to me and herself (not in those words, but rather "This isn't normal, and you know it."), she’s going to get some help. I didn’t expect this, when I fell for her, I didn’t know she had a history of depression. But at least she’s a loyal girlfriend… if she gets treatment, I can deal with a depressed person... But I will not and cannot deal with an abusive significant other, and I’ve made that clear to her too. I will stand by her side and support her through it all, but she has to try to get better. To want to get better.

Once she gets the depression under control, hopefully we’ll go back to being where we were before it landed. I’m anxious to find out if that’s possible.

When I go home tonight, how do I act? How should I behave from now until she gets the help and it starts to take effect?

EDIT: Let me make this a little clearer too. She's been blowing up at me lately for no real reason. The littlest things can set her off. Like not making a sexual advancement when she wants me to (even though she could show signs of this herself and help me know she's in the mood). This past weekend we were supposed to go the Browns game together and the day before was a lot of fun. But the evening found her in a terrible mood, out of nowhere, and while we tried to talk and I kept calm as she yelled... nothing was solved.

She told me that we should just sleep and she'd feel fine in the morning, but the sour mood towards me carried through the entire day, and when we got home from the rather miserable time at the game... she blew up when I asked her if it was cool that I run to my mom's house to fix her PC for her. She pulled no punches as she attacked me in the bedroom department, said that I shouldbe calling her a b**ch for acting like this but that I'm just a pushover for letting her say these things. I finally told her, "I'm going to my mom's. I need to get this done. Cool off, and know I love you."

She said, "Oh, so you just HAD TO ADD THAT!" Then I finally lost it. I went back, and "yelled" as much as someone like me is able. I told her, "Look, this isn't HARD, Megan. You're making it hard on yourself and us. If you're not feeling right, take initiative and go see a doctor!"

She called me later and we talked, cried, and I got some stuff to stay at my mom's to give her space. I was supposed to stay away all week, but she wants me back tonight. But she's not ready to talk about it all, she says... so how do I act while I wait for her to bring it up? <!-- google_ad_section_end -->

Was something copied from google into your post?

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/15/2009 4:15:38 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks, Serafena.

But how do I act in the meantime? While she decides when she feels well enough to talk to me about all this? Do I just act like nothing's going on? Be myself and be loving like I always am? Or would that only make it worse, because she'd think I'm avoiding the topic?

Mind you, she told ME, that she's not ready to talk about stuff... so what do I do in the meantime to make sure our living together is harmonious as possible?

Thanks, Polarsmom.

She's only 27, so I doubt it's the change. :)

But between moving in with me (the first man she's lived with), unhappy at work, an ex-boyfriend making waves (that's over with now) and turning as she puts it "Upper 20s", she's stressed out and this is likely what's caused her to slide into depression that she thought she was out of.

I actually don't say anything mean to her. I'm just not that way... it took all my "anger" to tell her she's only making things hard on herself. The fact that I'm so calm in the face of her crankiness infuriates her, so oddly... I'm trying to let myself get passionate without getting mean. She's struggled with bulimia before, and depression, and she feels like she's made wrong decisions in her career. These are all things that I KNOW are sensitive issues, so unles she brings them up, I don't talk about them. And when she does I show her the positives. She's NO LONGER BULIMIC, she's a freakin' size 4, and if she got out of depression once she can do it again. She just needs help. As for the career, she's got training as a teacher and as a Paul Mitchell certified stylist. She has a wealth of potential in either place and just needs to keep at either one.

So, believe me... I'm MR. POSITIVE. But it's just not enough. I'm SO GLAD she finally agreed to seek help. But I want her to talk to me about it all... sooner rather than later. In the meantime, like you say, I'll do my best to read her mood, and be myself. I won't walk on eggshells. She said she doesn't want me to, and I really don't want to either. But I will make sure she knows I'm not her enemy, and that I'm there FOR her, not against her.

Kitt, I have no idea... that's a new one to me!

Okay folks, so I went home last night. I beat her there. I took the dogs out, did the trash, got the mail, and started on some work I needed to get done for the night. When she came home our little dog had pooped on its poo-pad by the door and then jumped in it and of course... on her.

There went the neighborhood and any chance at a nice evening.

She didn't so much as say hello to me before changing into her workout clothes and going for a walk with the dogs. I tried to hug her, to let her know I'd missed her and I got shot down and told that the "poo-zone" had made her frustrated and that she only asked me back home because she thought it was unfair that I stay at my mom's when the condo is technically mine.

I called her mom while she was gone. Her mom told me she still says she doesn't want to break up with me or anything like that but that she doesn't feel right and needs to get better before we work on anything about our relationship. She feels a little fenced in because out condo is small (she's never lived with anyone before) and she feels obligated to spend time with me (when I've told her the exact opposite is true, she can come home and do whatever she wants she just needs to voice her opinions).

So the night went on, I went and got some pizza and breadsticks after asking if she'd like some. She was calmer but still distant at this point. She joked around a bit about some lady she dealt with at work, and we talked about the last book in the Twilight series (I'm reading it currently at her behest).

It was a very awkward, and dodgy night though. It was plain to see we were both avoiding the elephant in the room. She did sleep in the same bed with me though, which was nice. She let me caress and kiss her to show her I'm still there and not alienated by this illness. But obviously we didn't do anything more than that. I'm not sure when we'll be able to get back to being sexual. I just know that she feels I need to try, despite how she might seem to be feeling, because as she puts it... she still wants to, her drive to initiate is just not there.

I'm still feeling so lost though. Right now, until this depression is kicked in the arse, I don't know where I stand. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Do I let her come to me, and just try to give her space at home for the most part? Do I suggest we watch movies or go for walks together occassionally? Do I just go about my own business and pretend her sourface is not bothering me?

I'm telling you, this is harder than it ever was when my wife cheated on me and left me. I care so much more about this girl, and all I want is for her to get better and be in love with me again.

There really isn't much more YOU can do. Sounds like she is having a difficult time. And is really needing to see a doctor about it. Things are probably overwhelming her at this point. Living with someone is a huge adjustment. For both of you. If she is dealing with depression +/or anxiety that just adds another mountain to climb. This will be a difficult battle. For you too. And you may need to figure out a way to keep your spirits up. Whether it be escaping in a book, going for a walk, or whatever you enjoy for a little down time.

She may appear to be distant because she's embarrased or really doesn't know how to act or what to say. Not sure how you feel or what you think of her. Or afraid that you're going to ambush her with a ton of questions. Just do what you have been doing. Try to do things that you'd normally do. Give her a few days and let things naturally fall back into place. Don't push. And as things get less awkward between the two of you then suggest a movie, or walking the dogs together. If she enjoys her walk with the dogs then maybe ask if she'd mind if you go with tonight. But again, don't push anything. Just enjoy the walk. It will most likely be awkward. She's probably thinnking you're looking for an opportunity to talk. And you probably are. I can't blame you at all. I'd want to talk about it too. But wait until the moment is right. Wait until she's ready.

From my own experience I can understand exactly what is happening to her. And I realize that I am difficult to be around when I am in a serious funk. It's not intentional. It's difficult for the person who has the illness to feel all these feelings. Not knowing why, or what the heck to do to stop it from overwhelming you. But I do know that there are days I feel a bit better. And there are also times during the coarse of the day that are better/worse. So if you can be aware of when those times may be for her then you'll have a better chance or having a heart to heart with her.

I for one need some time when I come home to just BE. I don't know why, but I feel cranky when I get home. But after a I've changed clothes or had a quick snack, read some emails or something I feel much better. Kinda like how people are in the AM before work. Need their coffee to wake up and get going. But if something goes wrong during that time watch out! LOL...... It's like that time makes or breaks my mood for the night. Terrible I know. But true. If she seems like she needs a bit of time let her have some time. If she needs to vent or have a good cry, let her.

Oh, another suggestion. I am one for writing. I will write notes, buy cards or leave a message on my husbands cell phone (when I know he can't answer) Maybe you can try this. Pick up a card that says what you are thinking. Write a letter. Or leave her a short message letting her know you are thinking of her. Something non confrontational. But lets her know that this is on your mind. And this way you can "talk" without being interrupted. And you can encourage her without any confusion, hurt feelings and so on. I hope that this makes sense to you. It does in my head, but that doesn't mean it's coming out correctly. LOL.......

Have you ever thought of going to counseling yourself? You would get some support and some suggestions on how to handle this. Think about it.

Thanks, Judilyn!

I do appreciate those words too. Especially since most sites like that all agree and give the same advice. It makes it easier to proceed at home. But I still like the personal responses I can get here. Insight is good sight.

Ohioguy7,
You are asking clinical level of questions that are best left to mental health care professionals to answer, and so I strong suggest seeing a professional for one on one advice. It is really beyond the purview of this forum.
Navy

Ohioguy give her space , dont take things personally because it is the depression talking not her . The other thing I would recommend is to just let her know you are there for her. The hardest thing for me was when she was in a mood or said something was to not take it personally. It got a lot easier with the realization that Im not responsible for everything that she feels. That is up to thre counselor to sort out . Good luck .