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Helpless, my husband is sereve depressed

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Posted 6/30/2009 11:12 PM (GMT 0)

I don't know where to turn to anymore.

My husband is very depressed  and he has suicidal thoughts. We both agreed that it would the best he received treatments from hospital where he has been for the last eight weeks.

He has had a very abusive childhood, came from a broken family and his condition worsen when his father passed away 10 years ago. He said he has been struggling with depression all his life, daily struggle to stay alive. His situation was worsen when his mother passed away two years ago. Life was very difficult between us, we argued we fought and he was becoming unbearable to live with. We decided to move back to my home country ( as my mother was dying, I wanted to be with my mother for her last journey), due to the global economy meltdown, we both could not find jobs and dealing with my own mother's death with who my husband was very close to. More death, cultural shock, no jobs, more stress and more pain for my poor husband. What hurts most is, he is a very kind, generous, loving husband. I know the real him is trapped underneath of this deadly illness. I have been trying so hard to help to be a supportive and caring wife but no luck. He is in hospital now and he is losing his fight for life, he keep saying he is useless, not a good husband, an empty case i should let go of him so he can die and I can find someone else to replace him.

I really dont know what to do anymore. I cry myself to sleep every night. He kept saying he has no reason to live for apart from me but he is losing the faith in getting better let alone receover. We dont have the money to move back to his home country and I will not able to cope with my husband's illness without my family support.

I have been the one dragging him alone but I finally losing my battle too. I know he is suffering so much pain which is haertbreaking, maybe i should let go and let him die as he wanted so much? He is begging me everyday to let him go, I know I should not as we are talking a human life here but he said if I love him as much as i said then I should let him do what he wants.

Sorry about the moan, my english, my typing errors. I am crying so much I can't read the screen anymore. I just dont know what to do anymore. I wish someone could tell me more importantly to him what to do, where to go from here.

Thanks for reading.

Posted 6/30/2009 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lostwife,

My grandmother always said, when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Wait and see what happens. He could start a new treatment that would allow him to get better. Have you been able to talk to anybody at the hospital other than him to see what all is going on? Are you going to any counseling for yourself? I think you could really use the support right. And remember that we are here for you also.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. When somebody repeatedly tells you to leave them for your own good, you don't know what to do. I would wait and see what happens. He isn't thinking right at this time. I think getting some information on him and seeking some counseling would really help you to get moving in the right direction.

For now you have us to help you and give you the best advice that we can. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/1/2009 12:00 AM (GMT 0)

Dear lostwife28

Welcome to HealingWell.  I am so sorry about your husband and all of the difficulties you have experienced lately.  Bless you.

I am not sure I understand, does your husband have a illness besides his depression that he is in the hospital for?

If you are talking strictly about his depression you must be strong and realize that his illness is causing him to feel so hopeless and he can receive help.  It is not hopeless although it may feel like it is.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is never the right choice and your husband has you to support him and to love him. 

Most health professionals today consider depression a chronic illness that requires long-term treatment, much like diabetes or high blood pressure. Although some people experience only one episode of depression, most have repeated episodes of depression symptoms throughout their life.

Effective diagnosis and treatment can help reduce even severe depression symptoms. And with effective treatment, most people with depression feel better, often within weeks, and can return to the daily activities they previously enjoyed.

Please remember my new friend, suicidal feelings are the result of treatable problems.

Talk with your husband's doctors and make sure they understand your husband's state of mind. I know this is really sad and trying for you right now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just keep on believing and things will get better.

You have all of us now to help you cope and we support you.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt
Posted 7/1/2009 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen for your quick reply.

I will try to make appointment to see his doctor today whom he is the only one that my husband trusted. The rest of the staff are pretty useless, may be there is language barrier. I have spoken to quite a few members of professional there, they all said they are doing the best they can but some of them sounded more negative, saying its the illness that noone knows the reasons and the future looks very grim for us.

Me counselling? I just dont have the time and money. I just started a new job its extremely demanding both mentally and physcially.

What is depression? I have read so much info on depression but noone can tell me the cure.

I am going to visit him in hospital today, what should I say to him? encourging words? being positive? which i have been doing for so long, but none of it able to get throuh him. i am sick of myself repeating the same old bunch. What else can I say?

I am so nervous meeting him this afternoon.....I know I am the only reason for his living and if I do or say one thing wrong, thats it, he will be gone.
Posted 7/1/2009 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt for your support.

Apologises I did not make myself clear that my husband is in a psychiatric hospital for his depression.

I have been the one saying all these positive words to my husband until now, I am losing hope too. I really can not see this is getting anywhere, his condition fluctuates a lot, where there was home leave (once a week)he was fine we talked a lot about possible future or more like I talked a lot he was the one agreeing, nodding, may be just to please me. When he is back to hospital, he is changed to hating everyone,himself, becoming paranoid with the staff and patients, getting agitated easily threaten killing everyone and himself. I do not think he will hurt anyone, he only says it because he is angry and hurt. but I can not stop thinking what if he really wants to harm soneone or himself. He told me before he just wanted to kill himself because his pain is too much for him to bear, he just wanted to end his own life.

How do others cope? How do the sufferers' spouse cope? how do the sufferers cope? what do go through the sufferers' mind? why cant suferers can what we can see?

Thanks for reading and your time.
Posted 7/1/2009 12:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lostwife, Welcome to the forum. I’m terribly sorry to read about your suffering, and that of your husband. It sounds like he has experienced a lot of heartache in his life, and perhaps he has not been able to fully recover from his losses and the abuse he endured as a child. I hope someone at the hospital will be able to provide some talk therapy for him. It sounds like he very much needs some kind of counseling, on top of whatever medical treatments he is receiving. In my opinion, depression is a different experience for each person, but in general, I would say most people are helped by medication, or therapy, or a combination of both. If he is willing to try, perhaps you could suggest these things to him. I can understand why you feel so very sad and helpless….you would probably like to somehow reach inside his heart and plant the will to live within him. It saddens me to see the pressure you are under right now, Lostwife. You say, “If I do or say one thing wrong, that’s it, he will be gone.” If he makes a decision to give up on his life, it is not your fault. Please believe that. You obviously love him a great deal, and it’s evident that you are far from giving up hope on him and his recovery. Please speak to his doctor about the different ways of treating the depression. There is hope for you and your husband, and I pray that the doctor(s) will be able to help you both quickly and with ease. I’m glad you have family support for yourself where you are, and hope that the demands of your job won’t be too much to bear on top of your husband’s health situation. Please keep us posted. We are all here to help you.
Posted 7/1/2009 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi again, Lostwife, I just saw your last post. So now I understand that he is in a psychiatric hospital and is likely getting counseling....I am assuming. So forgive my earlier suggestion. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
Posted 7/1/2009 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much for all the kind hearted people replying to my post. It is very comforting to know some people out there willing to share my sadness and to give me strength.

Raniah, thank you so very much for your suggestions.

My husband is getting a weekly appointment with Clinical Psychologist but his feedback is "waste of time". I feel and fear my husband is losing his hope in fighting the illness.

Thank you for everyone for being so supportive. I wish my husband knew how much people care even strangers. He always says noone cares for him in this world and all the people who loved me are gone and all people are selfish.......
Posted 7/1/2009 2:43 AM (GMT 0)
I can understand your husband's dispair. Sometimes life just seems unbearable when you are depressed.

Like Raniah said though, please don't blame yourself no matter what happens. You have done nothing to cause his depression or any of his actions. You are only trying to support him and you are doing a wonderful job. You have much on your plate right now.

I hope that you can do something in the meantime to relax. Maybe some meditation, or a relaxing bath. Maybe a walk in the woods. Just something to give you peace of mind. It doesn't have to be a lot, but it does have to be for you.

Keep trying and know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/1/2009 2:47 PM (GMT 0)

Dear lostwife,

Thank you so much for your clarification re your husband's hospitalization.  :-)

You have received wonderful words of wisdom from Karen and  Raniah.  I agree with them,  you need to take care of you right now.

I am going to try to give you some helpful hints to do just that to help you get through this difficult time.

Try to expand and strengthen your individual network of support from family and friends. You’re going to need on-going support and encouragement, so resist the urge to try to carry the burden of your husband's depression silently on your shoulders by yourself.

Let your family and friends know how they can help you and let them know what challenges you are facing. The worst thing you can do is to isolate yourself from others. Coming here and talking to us was a brave thing to do and one way of reaching out for support so do keep talking to us.

Take the team approach toward managing your husband's  depression and say, “We’re in this together—we’re a team!” You want your husband  to feel the energy and power of team support.

Now one of the toughest things of all, learn to de-personalize your spouse’s behavior. Remind yourself that your husband  is ill—and that’s different from being stubborn for the sake of being stubborn or deliberately trying to make your life difficult.

Try to remember that your mate’s perception, attitude, actions, patience, and stamina are being impacted in major ways by the depression. When people are depressed, they often blame everyone else for their problems and see only the negatives in daily life. This is about the depression—not about you. You are a wonderful wife and yet I know you are feeling very alone and isolated having the husband that you know and love turn into this complete stranger.

Take good care of yourself in every way, lostwife, physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. You can’t afford to lose yourself and become consumed by your husband's  depression.

It’s very challenging to be around negative, pessimistic, depressive energy without starting to feel the same way. The only antidote is to stay balanced and centered by practicing good self-care behavior and doing things to nurture yourself.

Please know that we are here for you and we care.  My prayers for both you and your husband.

Gentle Hugs to you,

Kitt

Posted 7/2/2009 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
I WILL PRAY FOR YOU EVERY NIGHT.

BELLA23

 

Posted 9/24/2009 3:51 PM (GMT 0)
thanks bella23 for your prayer every night.

My husband is out from the psychiatric hospital, things still very shaky with him. I am constantly worried about him while I am at work. i dont know which day I will come home and find him dead. I panicked when he did not pick up his phone, I will be start thinking if he is dead. i know I have gone to extreme but I can not control my thoughts. I feel i am going to explode anytime. My new job is so stressful and I cant afford to go counselling even though I am working but my job is on comission based, not much in yet. I hope my husband would understand the pain and stress that I am going through without feeling failure. I can not share any negative or stress I am facing in life or work as i know he is ill and not able to cope and I feel very very lonely. After a long day work, most people would go home and relax but I will face another challenge of dealing with my husband's emotions. He is constantly feeling down, i am so tired emotionally dealing with his negative thoughts and worse his thoughts of commit suicide. I can not relax i can not be myself and I have to be strong and the only one to hold both of us together. I have to be careful every words I say, every move I make, hoping other people would say nice things to him, nothing will go wrong in his life as he can not cope with stress, just in case anything that will upset him and set him off. so so tired............i know I am the only reason for him to live but the burden is so huge, too much for me......i am drowning......
Posted 9/24/2009 4:39 PM (GMT 0)
Did they put him on medications? I think that he needs them at this time. What about you? As soon as you can afford counseling, I hope that you go. You need some support right now.

Know that we care here and are praying for you. I hope that something good comes up soon for him. He sounds like a good person. You both do.

Check into mental health, often they have a sliding scale that will go with your income. You really do need some support going through all of this emotional pain. Take care of yourself and continue to stay strong.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/24/2009 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen.
Even if we could afford to go counselling, i would not be able to without making my husband feeling useless. He has already been saying he is a burden to me thats the reason he wants to kill himself. This is another reason I have to pretend to be strong all the times.......my husband is on med, and he is good taking the med., regular check ups. He looks ok on the surface but the devil is still there. I dont know how to support him anymore, i am just so sick of my own voice saying all these comfort words over and over again. He might not be able to work again and he feels so useless and failure. Our live is a mess I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like I have been dragged down and sinking.....and I can not share this secret to my husband as this will kill him.

Thanks for reading. very kind of all of you.
Posted 9/24/2009 7:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi lostwife28,

It seems to me that you are thinking more of your husband's welfare more than your own. That is very unselfish of you, but very unhealthy for you. Your life has to go on, no matter how he feels. You can't help him, until you start helping yourself.

Is there a hobby he could start since he can't work? He needs something to keep his mind busy. Has he signed up for disability? He should if he hasn't. He is going to have to step up to the plate and start doing things. Try to get him to pick up some kind of hobby or start reading about depression. Self help books really are good. He has to face his problems and get on with life. I wish you both well.

Hugs, Karen
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