new member

Hi everyone. Reading the support on this site has been helpful. I've been feeling quite lonely the past few days. I split up from my husband of 26 years in August which was a good move, but difficult. Prior to my acknowledging that I was really sick in 2002, life with him was o.k., but once I got sick he emotionally left the marriage. I asked for a separation in 2003 and the therapist said, you can't leave him now, you need him. Unfortunately, she didn't get him. That was the worst advice every. The sicker I got, the more neglectful he became. In the end he was both neglectful and emotionally abusive. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I'm not even sure if that is correct. My pain doctor thinks my pain stems from being hit, as a pedestrian, by a car when I was in my 20's. I flew up in the air, landed on the windshield and rolled to the ground. My spine is out of alignment with degeneration throughout spine. I also have narrowing where the nerves in multiple levels in my nek. But, these findings aren't so strange. The real problem is that I have scar tissue in my muscles, and those muscles are wrapped around my nerves. Because I also am also dissociative, I was able to ignore the pain for many years -- I didn't want to be sick when my kids were growing up. Once the pain became intolerable, I sought help. My pain doctor told me I would never get better and that she didn't know how I was walking around. She thought I would become bedridden. I chose not to believe her and every day I do my own version of stretching (like yoga) and exercises from the physical therapist and from my chiropractor. For those of you who have fibro, I suggest a chiropractor who goes very slowly. My chiropractor has gotten me better enough so that i could leave my husband. (there is a new article this month on fibro and chiro). Before that, I thought I could only leave by going to assisted living. Although I look normal to people who see me. So, now I left. I left because we had moved into a new house with a lot of stairs which are impossible for me. He simply pushed the move on me when I had no strength to push back. Being out of work, and having been isolated from my illness, I feel lonely. I'm now in a run down apartment short term. I moved here so I could look for a home, which I did and will be closing on November 1st. While it's great I left my husband, I don't know how to get back into life. My illness poses most of the problems, but I need to be involved with the world. 9 years ago, i worked, volunteered, and had more energy then most people. Now, I'm glad when I get showered and make it to the grocery store. Thanks for being there. Crystal

Thanks Karen. It helps to know that there is someone listening. I know you said I sound strong, and sometimes I feel that way, but a lot of the time I simply feel sad, lonely and isolated. I might "know" that these feelings will pass, but I don't "feel" like they will.

I have been working on the dissociative issues. The alters come out when I am in a lot of physical pain and/or frightened, or working through my very scary childhood. I believe I now have control as to when I will dissociate in a way that others would notice. However, in an emergency situation, there is an alter who can pretend to be me.
One would think that with all the company I have inside of me I wouldn't be lonely (that's a joke) but it doesn't work that way.

crystal, hi jamie here. welcome to the forum. you are a very strong women. got guts. from what i have read you have gone through a lot. sorry about the accident, and for your situation. you have been very courages in posting, and i hope dearly that you continue to be courages with the changes that are happening. depression sucks, and more so when it bites. we all understand this well!! please know that we are all here for you. continue being brave. compassionate healings and positivity i send to you.

-jamie.

wow crystal, that is beautiful. filled with lovely emotion.

keep fightin'. you have inspired me with your strength!!! with healing compassion. jamie

hopefully. hope is a wonderful thing. i hope you to get some shut eye. thx, jamie