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Posted 10/27/2009 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hey guys.. I really wanted to get on last night because I had a horrible episode. Im not sure why I had it.. but it was one of the worst I have ever had.

It was a pretty bad "episode". I was in my room and I could feel it coming on. Nothing seemed like it was....mine. It didnt seem like my room. It didnt seem like anything was mine. I was a totally different person. I knew all this was going on and I realized everything WAS of course mine, it is my room with my stuff.... just for this it didnt seem like it. Of course, like always I ran into my bathroom. Its fairly small and normally I sit in the floor in the dark. But, I lit a candle and took my blanket because I am always really cold when I go through this..

I was in my bathroom and everything and looking into the mirror I didnt see myself. Like a previous time this has happened, it was like I was looking at someone else. Its me in the mirror, I know that. But, I felt like I was looking at someone else in the mirror. I realize it really is me and I cant believe that it is... but it still felt like I was watching all of this happen. So, I cried for a while and I was breathing fast like always... It was pretty bad. I started to go to sleep in my bathroom floor because being in there takes me away from the outside world...because at the time the outside world doesnt seem like its mine..  

I finally came out of the bathroom almost 2 hours later and laid in my bed. What happened next was quite different from usual. Usually, I just keep crying and thinking about a lot of stuff and so many things are running through my mind... However, this time I started like.... talking to myself. I dont want to say it was a "voice"... but more or less I suppose it was. It was different from when I am usually just talking to myself in my head... But I kept telling myself that I was a horrible person. That I was worthless. That I didnt deserve anything. etc etc etc... I was just saying really bad things to myself. It was very unlike me and I didnt feel I had much control over it... this went on for quite some time until whenever I fell asleep.

But, my point is, it was even worse than any other that I have had before. I am going to tell my pdoc about this for sure. This is really important and I think its a part of the info that will help him help me. And the fact that they are getting worse and worse since the very first time it happened scares me ALOT. I am afraid that they will continue to get worse and something bad might happen because I have never said such horrible negative things to myself and I dont know what to do about that.

Can anyone help?

Posted 10/27/2009 5:25 AM (GMT 0)

TeNNiSd0C09 said...
 I am going to tell my pdoc about this for sure. This is really important and I think its a part of the info that will help him help me. about that.

Christie I think you are so brave! That sounds really scary. I think the best part is that you recognise that this is not normal for you and share it with your pdoc so you can get to the root of these episodes and hopefully one day, be free of them. You are incredibly switched on and it takes courage and guts not to give in or give up- you have both of these in spades.

All I can say is I pray for better days for you ahead and to never give up. Your resiliance is impressive.

Take care,

Maz XX

Posted 10/27/2009 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
when i am unwell i talk to myself, to others-without anyone there, and if extremely aggigated, (psychoic) i talk in a very anylitical and cryptic manner, this talk is extremely fast. funny, i get all of it, even the distortion and convuledness, but others don't. very glad that you are aware of yourself and seeking assistance. healings to you. with compassion. jamie
Posted 10/27/2009 6:18 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks Maz. That helps. Its just I am really not sure what to say to him because I dont want him to think I am crazy or anything... and I hate to say there was a "voice" in my head... That alone makes me feel very insecure. Because it isnt the "norm" ya know... Im afraid of what he and everyone else will think if I say I was hearing a voice say all these terrible things and negative things about me. ya know... does that make sense?

I was trying to go to sleep but I cant sleep at all. My anxiety refuses to let up... ever since yesterday it has been horrible. I have been on edge all day to the extreme and I cant take it much longer. I am starting to become paranoid and super nervous and on edge even more. Im just like.... how you say.. "freaking out". I dont want to tell anyone about what happened last night, but I know that I have to somehow. I have been holding back SO much and if I do that my docs cant properly help me. They dont think my problems are all that serious, but its my fault. I dont let them know everything and its all my fault.

I dont know how this affects my friends and family because everyone thinks Im fine. My parents know I take the meds and what they are for but they dont truly believe its that big of a deal and that I need so much help. Because in the past I have always been successful in school and everything and appeared to be strong and capable. Now, its like Im some weak fragile nut job (no offense) and everyone still sees me as a strong person and Im not.... at all. Im not strong anymore.. I just hide everything and hold everything in and so no one knows anything. Im afraid of what they will think and how they will react and everything else. But at the same time I know that I NEED help. I am always depressed and super anxious, I am doing worse in school, I am missing classes, I dont care about my grades or work or studying, I cant focus, I cant stop thinking so much, apparently I have a voice now.....my "episodes" are getting more severe....... I just know that I need help...everything I just listed is like a HUGE RED flag to me... it tells me that something more serious is going on and I really do need to get help or it could get worse....

I see my pdocs nurse on Thurs.... however, I dont see my pdoc until Jan.... thats still over 2 months away and its been over a month since I seen him last... I cant wait so Im going to have to tell the nurse about everything and hopefully she will agree that I need to see him as soon as possible. The only problem is that I am horrible at talking about things.... But, I HAVE to. This is just too important........ I have to find a way... find some courage somewhere inside me to tell her about everything..

wish me LOTS of luck...any advice

Posted 10/27/2009 8:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi...  Gee, I sure know how hard it is to talk to a therapist, PDOC, etc.  I have been there many times myself.  Usually I just end up writing a letter and give it to them to read either right before (via e-mail) or during the session.  That way you are not wasting time and you are getting right down to business.  Perhaps, as you just listed what you are feeling here, you could print this out and either give it or send it to your nurse.  That way she should know immediately what questions to ask.

Hang in there my friend.  While I know you are fragile inside at the moment you will get through this.  As said above, you are quite resilient and determined to get well.  If you're not feeling this at the moment this is fine.  Just lean on us and we'll help you get there.

Many (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))!

Cass

Posted 10/27/2009 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,

I think that Cass has a good idea about copying this post and carrying it with you to the nurse. Let her read what you are going through. One of your medications might not be right for you, or this could be a problem that you need a different med for. Just make sure to let them know what is going on.

Remember that we are here for you. We all care about you so very much.

Take care, speak to the nurse on Thursday.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/28/2009 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Christi,
So sorry for everything you're going through. I can't remember if I ever asked you this, but have you ever had your thyroid tested? Have you had it tested recently? Thyroid problems can cause everything you are describing & thyroid levels can even fluctuate throwing people between depression & anxiety & adding in paranoia on top of that. I only say that because I am struggling with delusions myself right now. They don't really seem quite real, but they don't seem unreal either -- well, to me that is.
My PCP says that psych meds can actually bring on paranoia in people with thyroid problems -- which explains a lot for me. But in any case, please don't worry about being "a fragile nut job" or about needing help. I think it is really good that at least you want help. There are people out there who are so averse to seeking help that they let themselves completely fall apart until they are ranting on the street & past the point of help (well, around where I live, at least). You are fighting to keep touch with reality & as Karen says that is brave & admirable. Keep fighting the good fight! Don't give in to those thoughts about what your psych will say or do. His job is to help you feel better. You have been so positive about him in the past, so try to hold on to that.
And know that no matter what, we are all here to support you. You are such an encouragement to others -- I always feel like there is hope when I read your posts to others. You will get through this -- you just need some help getting some sleep so you can fight & then maybe some more help to get rid of the voices. We're all pulling for you. :)

hugs,
frances
Posted 10/28/2009 1:53 AM (GMT 0)
I can really relate to you and to Jamiee and agree that it's really strong

of you to notice what's going on.

POSSIBLE SUGGESTION:  Print out what you just wrote and take it to the nurse so you don't forget anything that you told us here or you can just give her the paper and say it's too hard for you to say out loud.

Along with Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Attacks/Anxiety I have PTSD and I find myself at some times more than others, and sometimes not at all talking so negative to myself, telling myself over and over that "I'm Bad, I'm Bad, I deserve a punishment" stuff like that and I hit and hit and hit myself in the face.

Mine are my voice, but my mother's words (as far as I know), spew and anger from childhood (I did finally figure that out).  It starts out with rocking while holding my stomach, then groaning and then the words come out and then the hitting.  We grew up very afraid.  Strangest thing of all, it's like a release for me when I do that.  I cry and then I feel better.  It's weird.  I guess I'm weird.  It's the knot at the top of my stomach, it becomes tighter and tighter, and that's when I start rocking.  Sometimes just rocking helps.  My mom would go from being super loving, creative and fun and, in an instant, a raging, red-in-the-face monster - it was frightening.  I dont' remember so much of my childhood.

There is also the possibility of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) like I have.  It comes from highly traumatic occurence(s) from your past.  Sometimes they come in the form of flashbacks (which I get occasionally), rocking, I found out at my last appointment 'cause I asked about it for the first time) is a sign of trauma in the past, making odd gutteral sounds to try to make the pain in the gut go away) 

I'm glad you're going to talk to your doc about it.   As the old 60's book says:  "I'm okay, you're okay".  (My mom actually had that book -- guess she just got the "I'm okay" part!  rolleyes

Warmly,

Julie O'

Post Edited (Naps With Cats) : 10/27/2009 8:03:01 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/28/2009 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Cass, Frances, Karen and Julie.

I know I can always find encouragement from you guys. Unlike so many I feel like you all really do believe in me and that helps me keep going so I appreciate it more than I can express in words.

I AM going to print my posts from this. I always want to write how I am feeling when this kind of thing happens because I can accurately describe everything. The next day it feels like it never happened but it did so its hard for me to express everything I was feeling at those exact moments. Im a super quiet person anyways so I dont talk much and last time I saw the nurse she told me to talk to her. (I was having a bad day and didnt talk at all that day so..) So, when she asks how things are I will tell her things havent been well and she will want me to explain so I will explain my anxiety and fear toward class and everything then I will tell her theres something else Im worried about that I never brought to the attention of my pdoc because I never wanted to talk about it.....

So, I will just give her my post and tell her thats the best way I can explain it because I cant accurately tell her how I felt at the time so.... its easier for her to read it and then she can ask questions or whatever...

I have had my thyroid checked several times... and I just had it checked about 2 months ago maybe... not long ago... I never found out the results of those labs... but I assume they were normal so... I have had it checked numerous times. Also, my aunt had thyroid disease and had part of hers removed because it grew and she couldnt breath. Well, my mom had hers checked and her is slightly over-active.... and she had to have tests done because they could feel a small lump and were worried it would grow. But, apparently it was nothing to worry about and she doesnt take medication or anything... so... I always thought maybe it ran in the family or something...

Julie- I have worried about PTSD. Because anytime I go through one of those episodes... it always goes back to my grandma. I told my therapist how much it hurt me when I lost her and how much it affected me and when she told that to my parents...they thought it was crazy because they didnt know she and I were so close. But, we were. And she was my everything... and I lost her 5 years ago when I was 13 and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It lasted 2 weeks from her first getting sick to when she passed away and I can remember each day. I see flashbacks of everything that happened. I remember the way she looked at me. I remember the Wedn before she passed away was the last day she was awake. She watched me the whole night with a smile on her face. As I was watching American Idol because it was down to Carrie Underwood and Bo Bice. I can remember everything. From the picture I had drawn for her to the shoe I was wearing(I had a cast on one foot at the time)... I always see all of it..

And it was traumatic for me. I remember every second of those 2 weeks and exactly what I did, what I thought, everything. When I lost her I felt like I lost my own life. She was my person. The one I always went too. And I was her first grandchild so I was favored over my younger siblings. She and I had a special bond so... it was the hardest time of my life and there are so many things I regret about it... and so many things I wish I had done and wish I could do now. Im older and more mature now and I hate that I was young and scared.

When things get over my head, I go visit her stone and I sit in her "lap". (in the grass)... now sounds weird but thats how I consider it... and I talk to her. I tell her whats on my mind and its as though she is speaking to me. And before I leave I always tell her how much I love her and that I WILL make her VERY proud of me. And she tells me shes already proud of me and I know that! So... I cant hug her.. I cant go spend the night with her... I cant call her on the phone everyday like I always did.... but I can still talk to her and feel her talking to me.

I dont know if thats like PTSD...but thats the only traumatic thing that has really affected me more than anything... Everytime I have a breakdown Im wishing she were here... I go through the flashbacks of her last weeks and everything... I re-live it over and over again..

Well, this is really long and I didnt mean to make it that way... I always get carried away when I talk about her... anyways, thanks everyone.. I will print the post and take it with me on Friday when I see the nurse. Take Care
Posted 10/28/2009 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hey,

That's awesome you had such a close relationship with your grandma - a very special thing indeed!!

Your plan with the nurse sounds PERFECT!  Simply perfect!  I used to bring my weekly writings to my Psychologist because I knew I'd forget. 

Unfortunately he sexually abused me and messed with my head really bad.  (Looooooooooooooong story which I talked about way back then on here).

PTSD is generally, from my experience and without looking it up or anything, when you have had traumatic experiences that you BLOCKED at the time and they come back sometimes years later -- sometimes years and years later, triggered by a tone of voice, a smell, a look on someone's face, just about anything can trigger the flashbacks.  The rocking I honestly find very, very soothing and sometimes get me out of being self-abusive.  You can talk to your doc about it when you do see him - It may be something that is still blocked if it is PTSD that hasn't completely come out yet. What made me think it's  a possibility with you is your stating that things are getting worse and you're talking negative about yourself.  To me, from what you wrote, I think it's traumatic every time I read that your parents didn't think you really needed all that medication, think you're just fine, etc.  That is their denial of your truth - that in itself is traumatic.  (When I was raped at knife-point the first time and went to a friend's instead of home who called the police, they came and got me, I had to write a report, they called my mom, I begged them not to, she came, drug me home yelling at me the whole way, not believing me, threw me in my little bedroom and slammed the door...... something about people who that are supposed to believe you (family) that don't at tragic times, that is one example of trauma.

Please keep us advised of how you're doin'!  I LOVE that you sit in your "grandma's lap, the grass".  Sounds like a poem could come out of that.  She's returned to nature which is part of the heavens and you still get to talk to her, and she talks back.  That's awesome!!

Julie O'

Posted 10/28/2009 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
I just wonder about it because honestly when it happened, it didnt affect me much at all... until later on. Later on it finally just clicked that she really was gone and that I really needed her. I didnt cry when she first passed away or anything... it didnt seem to phase me. I blokced it out because I couldnt think about my life without her. And after all of the depression and everything it really hit me that I wanted to run to her for comfort and I couldnt anymore. And since then it just keeps pounding in my brain. Everytime I just want to run to her.

Things with my parents are complicated. I have 2 older brothers. Half brothers, we have different dads.. so I am the first child that my parents had together and so there are higher expectations for me. My other brothers didnt go to college and havent done anything great wwith their lives so theres a lot on me to make my parents proud. But, for as long as I can remember they have never said "I love you"... I remember once when I was about 7-8... a little kid, my mom gave me a valentine card and the bottom she wrote "I love you" and I actually went to got her and took her to my room to show her the card and I said "Do you really mean that?"

My family isnt very close. We dont say I love you... well I tend to since I want things to change. And we dont usually hug or kiss or anything. Theres no affection really. So, thats kind of hard. It makes me feel like I have no where to turn and no one to talk too because I dont think anyone cares.

When my grandma passed away, it didnt affect my parents much. My mom always thought she had hated her so they didnt have a good relationship... and my dad wasnt close to her. But, they also didnt know that I called her everyday and talked for no reason at all. We talked when I stayed with her and when my parents were away with my little brother who had a brain tumor and needed surgery, my grandma stayed with me so we talked and everything. and shared secrets... we were always very close from the day I was born and my parents werent even aware of it...

They fight alot. My parents practically hate each other and since I am the oldest between them they stick me in the middle and complain to me about the other... and I dont ever want to hear it... honestly... my mom always threatens to leave... my dad wishes she would... but.. yea... they tell me about how they dont like the other one... its hard stuck between your parents..

They didnt think my depression was serious or anything until they had to go see my therapist and she talked to them... they seemed to change for a while..... but, not really. They just think Im all good. They never ask how I am or how the meds are going or anything. Its just something I take care of all by myself and we dont talk about it. Theres even more tension between us because my therapist told them I wasnt straight... and they acted weird for a long time and we have never talked about it... they have no idea that Im dating anyone or anything.. theres just so much between all of us that is unspoken.

I agree about the rocking. I do that quite often. It helps me feel a little better. I always hold my knees to my chin and rock back and forth... I have to hold myself very tightly because I will want to start hitting things or harming myself so I have to keep myself from doing so and calm down a bit... rocking does help.

And thanks... I do enjoy going and sitting in her lap, like I did when I was little and just talk to her.. its soothing.

Thanks again and take care
Posted 10/28/2009 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there,

It sounds like a lot of the problem is with your family and if it's been that way (the separateness and not talking, not communicating with each other for your entire life or a lot of it, especially the first five years of your life, that can dictate a lot about what's going on with you (with a professional's help) and once you know what's truly going on, you can then CHANGE the whole paradigm of your life into your own terms of how you want it to be!!  (I'm SUCH a great preacher .  . . lol), but this is true - you are strong, you can do it.

I would print out all of your conversations, you have my permission to print out mine if you want, if it would help.  Let the nurse read the writings - if she says something like "We'll let the doctor read these, tell her, "Please, I need help much sooner than I'm going to be able to see the doctor.  I have a need to be understood today, would you be willing to read my issues?  I think you'll find that I need help sooner than I have my doctor appt. set for.  There is stuff I haven't talked at all about, that I've been afraid to talk about"  (Something like that). 

Well, for now I'm off to bed (yes, bed . . . I'm a crickity old 49 year old - lol)  I think I have the body of a 90 year old, though from staying in the house so much.

Sleep tranquil and awake refreshed . . . :)

Julie O'

Posted 10/28/2009 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Oh yea... things went okay when my parents had a session with my therapist. I think it put things into perspective for them, but it didnt last long AT ALL. Things are just as bad as before so... I just live with it..

Im going to print my first post that describes everything, maybe my second post depending on what I said...but thats all. I will just give it to her when she asks how things have been. And I will say not good at all and give them to her to read. I also do plan to ask if I can change my next appt with the doctor because I cant wait until January. And Im sure she will do what she can to get it as soon as possible.

Today was a tad better. I was freaking out this morning because I overslept by 20 or so minutes so I was running late to the hospital... but once I was there it was a rather slow day so I studied my chemistry from 8-11:30 and had it all memorized. And I went to class and I had it all and I think I aced that test! At least I really hope so.... And then in my next class I had some time to do my other chem lab work and I had that class after sociology and I think I aced the quiz in there also... there were only 4 questions so.... and I have been working REALLY hard on my lab reports because I was making D's and F's on them to start out with and now I am doing well on them so... I think I got my lab report correct today so... I suppose in theory it was a good day.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go to therapy for my knee, which wont help because my doctor is looney and doesnt listen to me.... and so Im not going and then I have to write an English paper in class and I have no idea what Im going to write about yet.... Its a process paper... you write about "how" to do something or the "process" something is done.

I was going to write about how to use leftover Thanksgiving food to make a meal or whatever... (something that I cook thats really good) but now I think I am going to write something about "how to survive college with multiple disorders"... I wanted to write about surviving college with ADD... but since I have more than that I think I am going to say multiple disorders. That will encompass my add, ocd, depression, anxiety, panic, fibro...and everything else I have! lol

Then Friday morning is when I see the nurse and I am very anxious about it... I want it to come sooner because when I go I feel like I am actually doing something good for myself by going there and getting help. Plus, I feel more safe there ya know....

We'll see how things go.... take care and thanks for all of our help!
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