I'm tired

I'm tired.  I'm tired of pissing people off.  I'm tired of having to hear and live with lies.  I'm tired of telling lies because people don't like the truth.  I'm tired of being in pain all the time.  I'm tired of wondering if this is my last day or not.  I'm tired of people leaning on me, when I can't even get my own life together.  I'm tired of people in general.  I'm tired of getting ripped off by greedy uncaring people.  I'm tired of not being able to be what I should be, whatever that is.  I'm tired of trying to learn the truth, when all I ever hear are lies and half-truths.  I'm tired of being tired.

Anyway, my life is a mess.  My last life insurance policy is expiring in December.  I can't afford a new one.  I can't afford to live where I am and I can't afford to move.  With the new bankruptcy laws, I will probably just end up in jail.  Where, if the guards and inmates don't kill me, my diseases will.   Doctors can't or won't help me.  Therapists just tell me to exercise more, which when I do my allergies try to choke me to death.  

If I were to die before my life insurance policy expired, at least I could leave a little money to my family.  I have a month to get things together before my life insurance policy expires.  And all I have to do, is follow my therapists' advice and exercise really hard.  Then just wait for nature to take its course. 

Well, this is pretty much the only place I can voice my thoughts and not worry about it.  Thanks for being here for me.  I hope this isn't too depressing for anyone, but I just wanted to express my feelings somewhere.  Even if I can't make anybody understand.  I have always been an odd-ball, so don't feel bad if you can't understand my reasoning.  No one else can either.  Its my fault not yours.  I never did learn to communicate well.  Probably because I'm a lazy, stupid, ignorant person.

Ive edited parts of your post per forum rules- respectfully, Maz

1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 10/30/2009 2:59:02 AM (GMT-6)

Jenn, thank you for answering. But, I think I am finally being rational. Besides, there is no one to talk to. My wife won't talk to me, it is too hard for her. I no longer have any friends. There was only one doctor that seemed to help at all, he was the one who finally diagnosed me, and he quit. They won't say why, but I think he tried to change things for the better and ran into a brick wall, so to speak, and just couldn't take the incompetence and money grubbing. Besides, I am out of money, so I can't see anyone else anyway.

You are right, in that this is something like a call for help. I would like to see if anyone has an idea somewhere. Though, I must admit this is the last place I really expect to get any answers from. But, I tried everywhere else I could think of, so here I am.

I am out of money and no longer have enough money to support my family. I thought about doing volunteer work, but then I can't work well anymore, which is why I am on SSI. I tried to retrain into something which was less physical, but I couldn't grasp anything. My brain just doesn't work right anymore. Doing physical work causes me end up in an emergency room or at least a clinic, which employers can't tolerate. I seem to be getting worse too. Even if I could work again, I probably couldn't find work with the way the economy is. My wife and my son can't find work and they are relatively healthy. Massive inflation is bound to occur next year, as soon as the markets catch up with the printing of bogus money from the Fed. I am in chronic pain, with little chance of ever getting better.


Again, if my post makes you uncomfortable or just annoys you, please feel free to not read it. If I am posting against the rules, just ban me. I'll understand. Even if you don't.

(This post has been edited per forum rule #1 -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/28/2009 4:31:02 PM (GMT-6)

Blue Eyes I've been where you are I thought everyone would be better without me. But I found out it would just make everyone worse off. Its not that your a burden to anyone its the depression talking. Your wife would have left long ago if that is what she really wanted. And I've put one man in the ground, because he couldn't take the depression,and life. I hurt every day for him. That was 27 years ago, yes I moved on but not a day goes by I don't think I could have done something to stop him.

I found out I have crohn's and bipolar ll in the last 4 years. I've been in and out of the hospital and I go to my therapist every other week and I go to the doctor every other month. I know how you feel but I also know how my husband feels about me. We married for better or worst, not better or better. I don't know what I'd e do with out him in my life. And I can't leave him like my first left me. That hurts to bad and there are to many questions left.

You need to see a therapist and get some help, I know the thoughts are still there from time to time but, you can deal with them better. I don't work and I feel its my time to get back what I payed into.Times are tight all over the country pay on your life insurance when its your time you can leave your family the money. Get help your worth still being here on this earth.


Dawn

 hi Blue eyes i have read your posts and i am truly sorry that your in such a dark place at this time. I agree with other's about getting some therapy,medication,ect!! And let me tell you,you are a very worthy human being and deserve to be on this earth like the rest of us even if it is a painful existence. Also i agree that your wife would have left you by now if she didn't LOVE YOU. But alway's remember your a good person,and from what you have said you are a bit like a "sponge" which means that everyone uses you to soak up there problem's,but who's there for you?? Well we are here for you o.k. and vent all you like as we wont be offended.

 

may peace be with you blue eyes,

 

beverley.c.

 

P.s. It probarly doesn't make sense does it???? Sorry having a bad day to!!!!!! i would also love to be able to express myself like you have on your posts,your word's are just wonderful.......

I am sorry that your wife isn't talking, maybe she just doesn't know what to say or do about the situation. And if she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know what to say about it.

I hope that you get things worked out. Try not to worry about your son, you have enough on your plate right now.

Hugs, Karen

Blue Eyes,

Sorry to hear that thing's are still not going to well for you. But i haveto agree with Rosemary about sitting in the sun ect!! Also you really do ned to look after you bacause if you dont your not going to be any good for your son, even though it's his debt not ur's ok.
Please try and do what Rosemary said, i'm going to give it a try. "why not hey".

best wishes to you Blue Eyes,

beverley.c.

Blue Eyes,

What's going on what are U talking about burdened us. I just joined the forum about 2 weeks ago I'm still trying to figure out how to do certain things. Somethings U can't say on here all of us are depressed or going through other kind of illness. U post how U feel and people respond by trying to help U or give U some advice, don't leave the forum I think this is good when noone else understands WE DO. When I give U my feed back on what your going through I have been there plenty of times, just 2 days ago I was a mess but today is a better day. Everything will be Ok have some FAITH OK PLEASE!!!


Non-epelictic seizues,depression,anxiety

Blue Eyes,

I just read why U want off the forum, U were very rude to the moderator's. There very good at what they do. SORRY MODERATOR'S U HAD TO HEAR THAT!

 hey Blue Eyes what's going on mate?? We are all on this forum to vebt and talk about how we feel. I dont think you have gotten people more depressed, that's just your depression talking as i can feel ur anger and other in ur posts. Please dont leave this forum as it has helped me imensly!!!!!! The people that run this forum are wonderful people,but they to have some kind of illness to. How about you and try and start afresh mate,would that make you feel better??? If not i wish you all the very luck for a speedy recovery!!!!!

 

best wishes Blue Eyes,

 

beverley.c.

 

P.S. remember ur anger is doing all the talking for you!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey BLUE,

Don't do what your son said!! Stay on the forum it helps!!

Blue Eyes,

Hope you are feeling better. Don't shut people out who are trying to help you. That only lets the depression wrap itself around you even more. We are all in the same boat and are doing the best we all can to survive and to help each other in the ways that we are able. Stay open to suggestion. If you don't like some ideas, then just don't act on them. I hope my idea of going and sitting in a quiet place in nature did not offend you or come across as frivolous. I was just trying to share what works for me. Granted it may not work for you, but my intent was honest. I do wish you well as do others on the forum. We're all here for the same reason.

Sincerely, Rosemary