Bitter

I used to be a better person.  Truly.  I was never a happy child, a happy person... but now I am worse than just not happy: I am bitter.

The last two to three years of my life have been wraught with nothing but illness, depression, and anxiety attacks.  If its not one thing, its another.  And if one more person tells me that it will "all get better" I will reach over and strangle them.  It won't get better.  I have a chronic illness now, and as far as I'm concerned my immune system is not going to fully recover where I won't get sick anymore.

My depression is not overwhelming sadness... it is anger and bitterness, and sometimes I hate myself for that.  I would rather be sad than hate everyone for their health and happiness.  Yes I know there are people worse off than me.  Hell the doctors even thought I was worse before they ran tests on me, but I've been diagnosed three times in the last two years for several different illnesses and I don't even know if I can believe them this time.

How do I even begin to look at people without hatred and annoyance?  How do I even begin to heal?  Just because I laugh some times does not mean I am suddenly not depressed anymore.  And just because I am somewhat social with shallow callous people does not mean I don't secretly hate them.

Just what am I supposed to do??

I am already seeing a therapist. I have already been on meds and although you can say that technically they worked, the side effects left me unable to do any of my work in school. I am in college. I am in architecture. This means I have to stay up late at night some times. I am already taking too many medications because of my medical problems and do not wish to take more. One of the causes of my depression is the medications. I REFUSE to take meds and I know I can function better without them. I find it really sad that everyone thinks that a little pill will solve everything like it's a little piece of magic. I so do wish I could believe this little lie with you, but I have been shown time and time again over the past two years that meds are not always the answer.
I thank you for your reply, but I am sorry as I disregard most of it. I have already learned about depression. I have already tried most of those things. I have no social support group other than my cat and my boyfriend. I even admit that sadly I was excited to have a reply and then bitter seeing what you said. Do you not think I would've tried these things? And yet... failure.

Julie, I could kiss you. For once someone has agreed with me on my views for not wanting to take excess meds. Thank you.
BitterEnd, I am glad I amuse you and you see me as someone who is like you.

Thank you, Ralph. Really, I mean it, no sarcasm...
I am glad you are working to not be on meds. I just know that a lot of people depend on them to fix everything and don't have a working plan to get off of them, and it bothers me (call it my pet project, or whatever). I hope your weening period was better than mine. Remember to take it slow, sometimes slower than the doctors tell you, believe it or not.
I did not mean to come off as snapish or anything towards you, I am just at a period right now where I hate medications, hate having to take them, and don't want to put anything in my mouth that I don't have to to survive.
Am I rambling? I dunno. Anyways, thanks everyone for your replies, I appreciate it.