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I'm Brand New Here. Lonely & Hopeless 30-something.

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Posted 11/16/2009 5:55 AM (GMT 0)
So...please bear with me and the lengthiness of this initial post.  I am new to healingwell.com, and am glad that I found this site.

 

I believe that I have been depressed for many years, although I wasn't officially diagnosed until earlier this year.  I struggle with the label.  I just feel as though I have really messed up, and now I am paying for bad life choices.  These mistakes are compounded by health issues that have been growing by the year since the year after I graduated from college.

 

I am:

 

1) Near-35 years old and very single and childless (not by choice, at all)

2) In a completely unfufilling career--have been since the age of 22--but can't figure out my path

3) A couple of states away from family and friends

4) One of the last single women without kids in my circle of friends, who are (per #3) out of state anyway

5) Suffering from very low self esteem

6) Feel as though I have squandered many opportunities to do something that mattered with my life, instead of sitting in a cloth-covered box every day (cubicle), trying to get my poorly-defined job done in a harsh corporate environment

7) Nearly friendless.  Very friendless in my area.

8) Upside down in my house by tens of thousands of dollars in a rural area that I don't like (it was supposed to be a 2 year investment--now it's up to 4.5 years and counting)

9) Hearing the ticking of my biological clock

10) Can't get anything done at work, and to be honest, have been placed in a role that I am ill-suited for

11) Dealing with with multiple sclerosis (almost 3 years) and asthma/allergies/sinusitus (10+ years) and chronic respiratory infections

12) Suffer from serious social anxiety disorder (self diagnosed...I honestly don't know what my problem is with socializing)

13) Fear making another bad choice in my life.  Nearly frozen.

14) Fear living and dying the way that I am now: lonely and unfulfilled.

 

That sums up most (but not all) of it.

 

I was on medications (Risperadol (sp?) and Zoloft and then switched to the combination of Abilify and Zoloft), but that seemed to (psychologically) make me more depressed.  You see, I already inhale, sniff, digest, inject....everything (legal) to treat my physical illnesses (MS, asthma, allergies, etc.).  To be honest with you, I think that the corticosteriods (e.g. Advair, prednisone, etc.) are part of the problem--or at least exacerbate it.  So I am not on any medications for depression.  I know that may not seem smart, but I believe it was right for me.  Too much is too much--I'm on enough drugs as it is.

 

I just want to stop feeling so helpless and alone.  I continue to reach out.  I have two counselors in my life now--just for good measure.  Have been out of work for over 2 months on medical leave, and have to return this week (to a TERRIBLE work situation)....but my grandmother just died a few days ago.  Sounds small to say, but I really wanted her to see me get married and have children, so I am not only mourning her loss, but my perceived failure as a granddaughter as well.

Sorry for the length once again, and for the sad tone and long list.  I just feel so overwhelmed and alone and can't seem to sort through my own life to make it work.  It seems as though all of my peers, former classmates, etc. are moving forward-from both a family and career perspective--and I am just tripping backwards and getting sicker and sicker--physically and emotionally.

Is the correct protocol to post a question in this forum?  Because I guess all I've really done, and wanted to do, was to vent and see if there was anyone that can relate to my situation in any way.  Maybe there are coping strategies I haven't thought of.

Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

-seekingsmiles

Posted 11/16/2009 6:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Seekingsmiles,

Welcome to the depression forum.  And yes it is okay to vent. 

First of all, try not to worry about what is going to happen in the future,  that is for us to explore later on.  Try to focus with where you are right now.  And it doesn't sound like you are all too happy.  I think trying different antidepressants would be the ticket.  Get your depression solved before you decide to leave for another job.  Make sure that you are really unhappy there before you leave.  Once you establish that, then seek another source of employment. 

Do you feel it is too late for you to go into another profession?  Because it isn't.  You could take some online courses and go for something else that you are more happy with.  Think about it.  Maybe it is that cubical that is making you sick. 

I truly hope that you feel better soon.  Being depressed is not much fun. 

Try not to compare yourself to others.  Just because you aren't married and don't have any children, yet, doesn't mean that it wont happen.  I know that you are worried about the ticking of your biological clock, but if it is meant to be it will. 

It is late so I have to go to bed soon.  I work late and it takes me a little while to unwind, so I often come here to catch some of the later posts.  I hope that you have a good night.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 11/16/2009 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi seekingsmiles,

I wanted to say hi too, and echo everything Karen said. I know it seems that at 35 so many things are "set" but that's just not the case. There's plenty of time left for a change of career, education and family. I truly believe that if you can get your depression under control and work on your self-esteem, the rest will fall into place. I absolutely know how hard those two things are. I suffer from near-constant depression and poor self-esteem myself. But therapy helps a lot, and seeking out positive influences helps a lot too. Yesterday I spent a bunch of time researching positive body-image sites because my self-loathing had reached a new high. It's comforting to know others are in the same boat and the information reinforced my self-esteem. I felt better after just a little while.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. Give yourself time to grieve and recognize your loss. You will get better.

If you do decide to try out new depression medication, I really recommend finding a psychiatrist who is well-informed about medications, given the number of meds you already take. Ask around to find out who the best psych in your area is for medications -- your therapists probably have some recommendations, as would your neurologist and gp.

Good luck and welcome.

I look forward to talking with you some more.
serafena
Posted 11/16/2009 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi seekingsmiles,

I relate so much to what you've posted. I'm 32 now, and it seems I'm in a similar boat to the one you're in. Like you, I'm single (not by choice) and am terrified I will remain that way. I want children, and have gone through an almost obsessive period of wanting a baby. Right now I'm unemployed due to a health related situation that was blown out of proportion leaving me with the choice of whether to resign or be fired. I'm in school right now, but with health issues lately, I've gotten so behind in my clinical hours, so I'm afraid and don't know how things are going to work out.

I have always battled with my self esteem. I've been a little overweight almost all my life, but recently had to take prednisone yet again, and gained another 7 pounds, which just makes me feel worse about myself.

The thing that stuck my heart the most about what you wrote was about your grandmother, and how you wanted her to see you married and meet your children. My heart cries for you, as I lost my grandmother 6 years ago. She was the last of my living grandparents, and it hurt me so much. My sister was married with my grandmother there, and she was able to meet my oldest nephew before she died. Since I haven't married yet, I will not have any grandparents at my wedding, and they will never have the chance to meet my children. It breaks my heart that my grandmother whom I looked up to and wanted to see me happy will not be able to see those things. You are not alone to think these things. It's only natural that you want your loved ones to be there to see your happiest days, and the things you are most proud of. In an ideal world every girl would have her family there for her for the important moments in life. All of that being said, I believe the loved ones in my life that I've lost are looking down at me and are able to see and be proud of me still. One day I will be reunited with them, and they will be able to tell me they're proud of me.

I am so glad for you that you found this site. The people here are so supportive, and you'll find the more you're here, the more you are not alone.

I have to believe that there are better days ahead for all of us. It's what keeps me going on the bad days.
Posted 11/16/2009 8:43 PM (GMT 0)
seekingsmiles,

Feel your pain.  I just turned 30 and thought by now that I would be married with children and have sucessful career.  However I am at a low-paying finance job (that I seriously hate but with this market... I also have a MBA and huge student loans and living with my parents...

I am right now the only one of my friends that is completely single (those that are still single are in great relationships).  I go through the week at a extremely stressful job exhausted hoping for the weekends but once I get there I feel so lonely that I usually spend the weekends depressed and in tears so the cycle continues...

I don't know what the answer is...but hang in there.  I live in constant fear of never knowing what happiness is.

My father is also 76 years-old and one of my biggest fears and that he will never see his little girl happy or walk me down the aisle or see any grandbabies...it makes me weep just typing that.

I don't come on here very often (just couldn't make myself go into the office today) but if you ever need a friend to talk to...let me know. 

I know I can use one!

Christy

 

Posted 11/16/2009 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
SeekingSmiles

I read your post and you sound just like me.. except I am a 34 year old male. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and yet to be diagnosed with depression. I always feel uncomfortable in my skin. I feel like the oddman out in every social situation I am in.. even if it is with family. I dont have a relationship with my mom and my dad dies when I was 4. I never knew him. I live with my girlfriend but I dont even think she likes me very much. I still waiting to see how it all pans out. So when you say your alone or without partner, thats not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it takes a while. Better to be alone and self reliant than with someone and be unhappy or codependant. Sometimes I wish I was alone again. We fight alot and she says alot of things that really hurt my feelings but I try and act like it dosent bother me. I have lost friendships to my problems and i know I will never get them back and somehow Im dealing with it. Its hard but there is nothing I can do about it. I have apologized to alot of people for reasons I dont even know. Hoping they would remain my friend. They didnt. Its not always you. It feels like it is. But it isnt. I hardly go out. When I do I often wonder what am I doing here.. I look around and I dont like anything about the situation I am in. Bars are ridiculous. I would rather be alone than spend my life at a bar talking about the same thing over and over and over. Trust me Ive worked at bars and your missing out on anything. Your not alone. I have found myself focusing on my lack of friendships and relationships and how I never go anywhere and thats when Im at my worst. If I just do what makes me happy, like playing guitar, wtahcing movies.. everything is fine. Dont get me wrong by no means am I a happy person.. I am depressed big time and I have a temper to beat the band but I am trying to deal with it in whatever way possible. I have been on meds since I was 27 and I am 34. They dont help. Bandaide on a boo-boo as they say. Security blanket thats all they are. My anxiety is at its worst when I know I am low on medication.
I also have no children and I am not married. I am so scared to hve children. I dont want to fail as father. I dont think I know how to be a father. I know that the person I am with it will never work out so far as to have children. I hope someday it will happen. But if it dosent it dosent. I want it to be with the right person not just because I feel like I will die alone or whatever.
Realizing whats going on inside is probably the first step.. you WILL find someone.. you will be happy... you will make a great mom.. you have to believe that or the negative snowball effect will consume you forever. Its consumed me for 7 years and Im trying to stop its momentum.. Hopefully by venting and reading about and helping out others I can find answers for them and myself. Take care and good luck.. keep you head up and smile for gods sake... :)
Posted 11/17/2009 3:23 PM (GMT 0)

Hello to everyone that responded to my initial post, and anyone that is reading this thread.  I just want to thank you all for taking the time to do so.  Does misery love company?  I'm not sure...but I will say with certainty that I felt a small bit of relief to know that I am not the only one that feels the way that I do. 

I have several thoughts about the responses.  One thing is, Karen and serafena, with all do respect, I am pretty sure that medication is the wrong answer for me.  I am so completely overmedicated now.  Advair, QVar, Singulair, Claritin, Nasacort, Xopanex/Pulmincort nebullizer treatments when needed, saline/Pulmicort sinus washes, bi-weekly allergy shots, daily Copaxone injections (for the MS), and a host of other drugs including antibiotics and Predisone when needed for my frequent infections & asthma flare-ups.  I guess I am just fed up with the whole thing, and honestly, these doctors are not God and researchers are not all-knowing either.  My thought is WHO KNOWS what long term damage I am doing to my body being on all these things at the same time.  When I first started the asthma medication in 1998, I needed one--count it, ONE medication as needed.  With each one that was added over time, the need increased for more and more to control symptoms that seemed to become stronger and more resistant.  It reminds me of the drug tolerance lesson that I was taught years ago when being told when schoolage about how some people have a need to progress to stronger illegal drugs to get their "high" (e.g. marijuana stops being enough, and some people move on to cocaine, heroin, etc.).  Please do not take this the wrong way.  I believe that depression is an illness that needs to be treated, and for those who are on medication and it works, I APPLAUD and congratulate you--really.  I am absolutely not comparing these drugs to illegal drugs.  I am just saying that, I am hoping that, via spirituality, counseling, and other alternative methods, I can get out of this mess of my life without any more meds, because my experience has been: more meds begat....more meds...lol.  They are literally one of my biggest problem (the number that I am taking, and the side effects of some, etc.). I have been to a few psychiatrists, by the way.  The last one that I went to was the one that helped me get off of the Abilify and Zoloft a month and a half ago and sent me to one of the two counselors that I am seeing today.

Karen, I am truly unhappy in my job and profession in general.  That is not the depression that is talking--it is the absolute truth.  I made a horrible major choice in college and was too scared to change late in the game and was on a four year academic scholarship and felt pressure to finish in time, feared debt back then, etc.  I figured I would "just change" if I didn't like the field once I got out...and I never did, because I could never figure out where my happiness and talents lie.  But I have known that it is wrong all along.  I work in finance.  I love the arts and think I just need to do something related to helping people.  I could not be any more ill-suited for the field and environment that I am in.  Every day I wear a mask.  I tire from the exercise, but I do it anyway.  I have spent time meeting with recruiters, taking career change tests, reading, going to career fairs, etc., so I haven't given up on figuring out the mystery.

Becky and Christy, thank you for your words regarding the family factor (in my case the loss of my grandmother and her not seeing me married with children).  It is a fear that manifested itself, and now I am on to other aging family members, with the hope that they will witness my joy at some point, and that I can bring additional joy into their lives during their remaining time on this earth.

SB1050, I know what it is like to feel like the odd man (woman) out in every social situation.  I hope that you figure out whether that relationship is worth salvaging or not.  It's no fun to be stuck with the wrong person either--that, I do know. 

I know that I need to start working on positive thinking.  It is just so hard to do so.  My friends that were in my area have married and/or had children and moved back to my homestate or elsewhere.  The very last one just had a baby last week, and is planning on moving back next year.  She knows my situation and her, along with another close friend, are imploring me to sell my house (it would be a short sale and pretty big loss for me) and return to my homestate as well, to be closer to my parents and other friends (all busy with families of their own, I might add).  I think it may be the answer, since I have no one down here....but then again, 8 years ago, I realized that my homestate wasn't making me happy then, (poor social/single life, high cost of living, colder winters, etc.), which prompted the move in the first place.  But I would at least be near my family--small as it may be.  I just feel that with aging parents, I may be wasting precious time being down here (3.5 hours away from them), marinating in my own loneliness, when I can be at least cherishing time with them and helping them out.

I don't know.  I'm just not sure about what to do.  I pray that the counselors can help me sort my life out and make good decisions moving forward.  I am just so overwhelmed with the gravity of the situation. 

Thanks again for reading and responding.

-seekingsmiles

Posted 11/17/2009 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
Seekingsmiles,

I think moving closer to your family might be the ticket for you.  It sounds like you are very unhappy where you are.  Have you ever thought about being a counselor?  Or getting into a field of medicine?  Nursing for example.  You sound like a very compassionate person. 

I understand the med situation.  My late husband had emphazema and copd.  He had to take a lot of steroids and used a nebulizer.  He didn't do well on medications as you have that same problem.  He ended up with lung cancer.  They gave him an elavil one day and he totally freaked out on me.  Plus he was taking morphine and a lot of other meds.  So I do really understand.  Some people just can't tolerate depression drugs. 

I feel that you will find the right path.  You are truly seeking.  And I hope that you do find what makes you happy.  I honestly wouldn't be happy doing what you do.  I work at a gastation/convenience store.  It is a little job.  But I love it.  I get to see people all day long.  Normally I keep to myslelf, have very few friends, but just being able to see people makes me happy.

I hope that you find what you love to do.  And I hope that you are able to have a family.  I never had children, and that was my choice.  But with my marraige now, I have grandchildren and I love it.  Though I fear growing old alone at some point.  We shall see what happens.  I think my grandchildren will be there for me.  And I for them. 

I hope that you have a lovely day.  You sound like such a wonderful, caring person.

Take care and know that you have friends here.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 11/18/2009 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
seekingsmiles,

Wow that is a lot of meds!!!  I agree that the meds are too much...some doctors rather just throw meds at you then to really research what the problem is...you might want to see someone who is a little more holistic that will...I think there is a balance between natural solutions and synethic ones.

Oh I hear you about finance!  How the hell did we end up in this field???

I too rather do something creative....I am a writer in my spare time and also a wedding planner (however been doing a lot less of that since I think it contributes to the depression).

We have a lot in common!

Posted 11/18/2009 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hey there,

I think the others have said it well - that there is still time for you to change course and see your dreams begin to be realized.

I recently met a lady with crohns. And her story encouraged me, so wanted to share it. She is I think 41 years old and she has a one year old and three year old boy. The pregnancies were hard, but she pushed through and is very happy. You are only 35...sometimes the best things come to us a little later than we expect, and they are even better than we anticipate. :0)

I also agree that it would be good to look into a holistic approach to your conditions. It could be good to cut down on meds. for something more natural where possible. That also reminds me...when I was searching for naturopathic doctors a couple month ago, I found one who actually recovered from crohns or colitis (I think it was the first). I also have a friend who suffered with crohns for years but after applying a combination of prayer and discovering and dealing with food allergies she is hugely recovered and I believe she was off most meds too. (My memory isn't perfect on it, but I know it was a huge turn around for her). So answers are out there. :0)

Sometimes it is just a matter of digging in our heels, mustering our strength and searching till the answers and changes come that we wish for. Things often take longer than we expect to change or come along, but that doesn't mean they won't ever come. So don't give up. And whatever you have in your heart to do in life...go for it!!! You sound very intelligent and intuitive and you have a good idea of what you want from life. So just be patient and take the steps one at a time until you break through to a happier place in life. You can do it!

all the best,

embers
Posted 11/19/2009 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, thank you, thank you....everyone.  Thank you for reading and responding to my long posts, and providing me with very useful advice.  Sometimes it just helps to have someone else agree on something that we already thinking (e.g. the source of some of my problems is the number of meds that I am already on).  I will keep everything that you all have posted in mind and try to stay as positive and hopeful as possible.  I am not sure of how to exit out of this reality that I have created for myself (in terms of unfulfilling work and lonely living arrangement), but I will work on having a brighter outlook--otherwise, I'll never get outta this mess!  shakehead

Anyway, I just wanted to respond to all and thank you once again.

Blessings,

seekingsmiles

Posted 11/20/2009 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Seekingsmiles,

Just to add also to you that I think the fact that you have reached out and found support, even it being online, is a sign that you're trying to turn things around. Finding HW has helped me so much. Like you said, misery loves company. Not that we all just complain, but we lift each other up. When one of us is down, someone else is having a good day and may be able to help. I've found that just knowing I'm not alone in my thoughts sometimes is enough.

As Karen said, you certainly have time to go into another field of work, and maybe something where you use your asset of compassion would be good. I agree with her that you do sound like a compassionate and giving person.

I hope you are having a better day today!
Posted 11/21/2009 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
Dear S.S., Do you have any spiritual-type impulses? Doesn't have to be a formal religion. Probably better without 'cause they can be too rigid to provide customized assistance.

God, Higher Power, the higher intelligence, the Source -- any of those can buoy you up and keep you from drowning.

Note also that atheism can serve the same function.

Speaking from personal experience, a "spiritual" path is what healed my severe mental illness.
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