Don't Know What To Do..... Any Help Really Appreciated.

Found this site after searching on the internet for Depression and Relationship info.

I would love your advice and help...... desperate for thoughts or insights... and do not know where else to turn.

My partner and I have been together for 1 and a half years. He had clinical depression before I met him. Was on anti depressants, but went off them after two months when they affected his ability to climax during sex (hope I am allowed to say that...)

Since we've been together he has not been able to do that even though he's been off the anti depressants for 2 years now. He says this does not bother him... although at times it bothers me.

He works long hours, away from home and we see one another 3 or 4 times a week.

He has large memory and concentration probs, and always looks empty or vacant in the eyes, as though he is disconnected. He often talks about feeling very, very sad.

He was abused as a child and no longer communicates with his parents or siblings in any way. His ex wife also was extremely emotionally abusive.

Lately (last few months and weeks in particular) he has been feeling sad all the time. He tells me he loves me wholeheartedly, but he is so very sad we can't see one another more, and he wants to see me more but is just sad about everything and doesn't know what to do.

Today he decided he needed space to think. He said he was laying on his bed (via phone) looking at the ceiling and crying. Had taken the day off work (which means no pay) and didn't know what to do or how to be. He'd been up all night laying on the bed staring at the roof.

Says he's just so sad he doesn't get to see me more in his current work situation (we had a plan to change this, at least I thought we did), and loves me without a doubt, but needs space to think and 'sort it out'.

He was able to verbalise that he may have depression again, and that his response to loving me and being sad about not seeing me (ie possibly breaking up and therefore never seeing me) was not rational. He could also agree that if he is depressed he may not be thinking straight and would be making poor decisions, however he still said he had no idea what he was going to do or how long he would need space. My Christmas plans are now all up in the air as I was to visit him this weekend, go away for Christmas (family reunion thingy), and spend 4 days with himself and his two girls (4 and 10) after Christmas. I don't know where to put myself.

He can't say whether this 'space' is for days or weeks. He says he 'might' drive up on Sunday (he stays an hour away during the work week but lives in the same city as me on weekends usually as he rents a unit here, and his children are here, but is staying in his work city to think).

All he can tell me is he loves me very very much and wants to see me more and is so sad our relationship is not ideal at the moment.

I have respected his request for space and not contacted him since our talk this morning and will not until he does (very hard because I am concerned for him and not sure if I need to be checking on him). I suspect if he does come up on Sunday he will simply break it off as he is just too sad and doesn't know how to cope with our current situation even though he says loves me dearly (I do believe him when he says that).

There are many other issues, like his extreme anger and aggression with people over the phone (he's been having trouble with solicitors, child maintenance people etc), and is on to his 5th case worker as they can't deal with his anger. He is not angry with me or his children, made a conscious decision to be the opposite after his childhood. He has only demonstrated anger with me once in 18 months, and I was quite scared at that time due to its intensity. Other than that we have never really argued.

He also seems to have a complete emotional disconnect and is oblivious when it comes to recognising people's feelings, caring for me when I've been sick (after an operation), listening, and in many areas... my friends and family have noticed this too. 

A couple of months ago I became quite grumpy for about 6 weeks, and sort of became short with him at times when he wouldn't communicate or listen or just talked over me as if I wasn't there, and  not as patient as I would usually be.... I am afraid this fast tracked him into this worsened state and wish I had reacted better at the time to the issues we were experiencing. I was very narky for a while. I can't bear to think I brought this on somehow. I had been suspecting for around 6 months something was slowly creeping in, but may have pushed him further by reacting how I did. After much thought I realised what I'd been doing and changed attitude and tack and I thought things had been much improved. He'd been still complaining of being stressed and tired and pulled tight, but much less so, and was being loving and wanting to see me (although not putting in the effort to do so, I drove an hour to see him on Tuesday and an hour back again). 

Sorry this is so long, and not sure what advice you can give.......... I'd just love any ideas you may have about what to do. I know he'll need professional help if it is depression, and he agreed he would if it was, but then repeated he just was so sad and didn't know what to do.

Linda. x 

Have been up all night (4.45am here now in Aus) with no sleep. Have been taking sleeping tabs for the last 3 weeks after our first 'talk' when I probed a bit about how we were going (as I'd been thinking of ending the relationship for quite a while due to various issues and his non-communicative state), and when for the first time he said he'd been thinking of ending the relationship for a couple of days because he was so sad and felt he was letting me down and not spending time with me and he felt stretched thin by everything.

He also said he'd felt that I was going to end it at any time over the last few weeks (I guess I was giving off that sort of a vibe) and that he would be very sad about that and cry. But when I said I wanted to work on it, he completely switched and suddenly went a bit cold and said he was confused and now didn't know what to think.

After that he said he needed time to process my suggestions (I'd decided I'd like to try and work on things rather than end it and apologized for my grumpiness over the weeks I was not good) and make his own decision.

The next few days he then acted as if nothing had happened and was completely back to normal. I didn't know if he was still 'processing things' or what - and was too scared to ask really.

He then went away for a 1 week fishing trip during which time I didn't speak to him much and he varied from being offhand and a bit sarcastic to normal on the phone. Depended on how much he'd had to drink I think.

The day after he got back from interstate it was my birthday, and he made a special effort to drive up for it - I hadn't been sure he would as he'd been ambivalent about it, but he said he was always going to as it was my special day and he would never not see me on my birthday.

Then due to his work committments we had a bad week where we didn't see one another, and he had to pull a double shift last Friday, working both day and night, then had a really busy weekend with his kids with not much sleep. So he must be exhausted from all that.

I have tried to speak with him about his anger, but he disagrees and says he has to 'show them' who's in charge, and they need to get things right for him, and being aggressive and using swear words and staying on the phone for up to an hour and yelling at them gets the results he wants. I tried to explain people are less willing to help abusive and angry people but he doesn't agree and says they need to be shown and told and they need to conform to his timeframe.

At one point I was so stressed out by him being on the phone and constantly yelling and being aggressive every time I was there I couldn't stop crying and just had to remove myself and try to escape it. As I said, I have never had the full force of it directed at me though. I have had him raise his voice and point abruptly at me in the chest when I brought up a concern about my work and he forcefully asked 'what are YOU going to do about it?' He has also made this same gesture to a friend who was struggling at work, on the day he first met her and we were out celebrating her birthday at a restaurant. He leaned over the table and pointed right at her chest several times and said it quite loudly and forcibly (my friend does not like him as she says he is loud and obnoxious).

He also has a big problem with authority and is constantly talking back to his bosses and telling them he'll do things the way he wants - fortunately they need him. He has resorted to bully tactics with one of his bosses, and when I called him on that he agreed and said yes he was bullying, and he would continue to do that if that's what it took to get his point of view across as the guy was not a nice person.

He is on his third job since I've met him. The first two he left because the bosses wouldn't do things the way he wanted to. They were management jobs. This is the only other one he could get, and it is long hours, on call and casual (it is working on the roads as a labourer etc). He doesn't like it, but he also won't look for other jobs where he would have to be more controlled by a boss.

Just rambling now really....... sorry..... just concerned and bothered by the whole thing.

Any other thoughts much appreciated.

Linda. x

Thanks for your reply Serafena.

I have heard nothing more from him, and it is hard to just let this be. I do love him but had been considering ending the relationship previously as I mentioned due to other issues and his seeming inability to connect with me emotionally in any way. My mum thinks I'm nuts even attempting to sort things out, and told me to run very fast and very far. I'm just not good at the 'breaking up' thing once lives are intertwined, and especially when we both still love each other.... although for the last few months I was questioning that too.

His children are also tricky, as they are both girls and both take after their mother in the way they behave. They are very rude and back chat and talk back and don't do as asked. He has been working on noticing when they are not talking nicely, but this has been very hard for him. He simply didn't notice what they were doing at first as he said he was used to being spoken to like that by them and their mother. However he said that if I'd said the same words to him, or someone else had, he would have been horrified and immediately pulled the person up for being downright rude.

The older one was swearing in front of him one day in regards to one of her friends, she is 10, and was yelling how this friend of hers was a bi**h at the top of her voice over and over because she wouldn't play with her any more. He was very concerned about the fact she didn't have that friend and tried talking to her in a calm voice about that...... when I asked him if he had noticed her yelling the word b***ch 5 times, he said 'No' he hadn't heard it at all. I was incredulous as she yelled it with absolute venom. The only part he heard was that she was having friend troubles. He seems to only hear certain things. When I try to talk to him about anything emotional I just get a blank disconnected look and dead eyes, and if I repeat any of the conversation later he simply doesn't remember it.

It got to the point where I was researching about early dementia as his memory and lack of any sort of ability to recall things we'd talked about were way above and beyond what I'd ever experienced myself or through discussions with others.

I thought when we first met I had finally found and attracted a healthy person as he spoke about his past relationship, the work he'd done with his counsellor, his affirmations, goal setting, optimism, and how he consciously set out to find a non-abusive healthy person this time. We started our relationship very carefully but I have to admit their were red flags I ignored and gut feelings I didn't pay attention to because I convinced myself he was different to my pattern of abusive relationships. He is not abusive, not to me at least, but I do believe he is 'broken' and carries many issues, some of which run very, very deep. He will not discuss his family of origin in any way, I only recently got their names from him, and I can only guess at what sort of abuse he received.

All of his other 3 long term relationships, apart from his marriage to his abusive wife whom he left after 10 years, lasted between 1 year and 1 and a half years....... where we are at now. He cannot tell me anything about those relationships as he doesn't remember what those girlfriends were like, their names, or why they broke up. He does remember what happened in his marriage and has been quite happy to talk about that. He is very, very spiteful towards his ex wife, calls her every name under the sun, and holds extreme anger towards her. I came from a very abusive marriage myself and know something of what this can be like, but have learned to let go and in the end feel sorry for my ex as as a sociopath he will never find true happiness. I had a year and a half of counselling to try and get myself back on track, and stayed away from men for a while for the first time ever. I had to get myself healthy.

My partner has had some counselling, but did not go for a continued length of time, and did not (from what I can gather) touch his family history of abuse. It did look at his wife's emotional abuse, and his depression, but he only stayed on the anti depressants for 2 months.

Now he simply can't seem to get to do anything. His work hours prevent him from seeing anyone, and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid so he just doesn't do anything about it. He did take a week off for fishing though, but then didn't spend any of that time thinking..... said he just fished and drank, and did not think at all.

Once again, if you've read this, thank you so much...... I really appreciate any thoughts on any small piece of what I've written.

Linda. x

I made an appointment with my old counsellor, but couldn't get in until the 4th of January which is after I come back from a week away at my family get-together over Christmas. I realise I need to get some perspective on this and be careful on my own behalf.

I am half feeling that if he does call it off on Sunday (if he drives up), that I will be let off the hook and we'll just leave it at that. But having said I would try earlier in this whole scenario, and also having said a while back I would support him if his depression ever came back, I'm not sure what to do if he comes back and doesn't want to end it...... I will definately not go forward if he doesn't see both a phsyciatrist and a doctor, and then once his depression is a little under control see to some of his other issues through counselling.

I don't generally get a bad aura from him. He has a few very close friends who would do absolutely anything for him (and he for them), and is very friendly with all the people he works with except most of his bosses. One boss for whom he works away at another place sometimes he absolutely adores (I said he must think the same way as you otherwise you wouldn't like him so much!).

I don't feel emotionally abused (my ex was the master of that), have my wits about me, am generally optimistic, usually happy, and feel free to challenge him on anything I don't like or disagree with without fear of him reacting badly. He has always welcomed my thoughts, welcomed being challenged (says he does anyway), and is willing to compromise on problems once he's aware of what they are. It's just that he often seems so unaware of lots of things within our relationship.

I received a text a few hours ago saying hi, and he knows it must be hard for me to give him space, and he hopes I am doing ok. xoxo

So, at least that was recognition that I'm feeling hurt by all this too and he is the cause of it. That's not something he prob would have realised in the past.

I will just wait and see...... but I am super aware that my life would prob be alot easier in the long run out of this relationship. However, I don't walk away from things either until I've tried all avenues that seem relevant and made sure I'm doing the right thing.

I have to admit I'm not good at doing the 'break up' thing, and this is probably impeding my decision a bit. At my age (44), and after more than one marriage to an abusive person, I just don't want to do the whole 'relationship tango' yet again, if this one can be rebuilt into something good for both of us. But it has to fill both our needs, and contribute to both our lives in a positive way.

Thank you again. Any more thoughts still appreciated as this is really helping me sort through the quagmire that is my brain in regards to this at the moment.

Linda. x

Thanks again.

I agree with everything you've said, and will absolutely be getting my own counselling, and hopefully guiding him to some as well.

Ran into the person he shares his townhouse with (which is in this city where I and his kids live) last night whilst I was out with a girlfriend. We talked a bit. His roomate said he was not seeing him much as he was staying at his caravan (where he stays some nights during the week whilst working) most of the time and he hadn't seen him. Said when he does see him all he does is sleep, but he is having massive trouble sleeping. This is the complete opposite of how he used to be. Used to be asleep within seconds of hitting the pillow and sleep all night. Apparently that has changed.... I was not aware of this. He seems to be ok when sleeping at my place, but over the last 3 weeks that has prob only been twice due to his increased workload away and his week away fishing.

Room mate also said he has had to pick up the last 4 or 5 bills as my partner just isn't paying them, has not been giving any attention to what's going on. My partner's phone also got cut off for a day or so (mobile) as he'd forgotten to pay the bill.

Sounds like he is losing the plot in everything, more than I realised. So now we have the extreme sleep probs, the extreme sadness, the extreme tiredness, aches and pains (his neck and back have had him in agony), forgetfulness, and this kind of confusing fog that have all either appeared or markedly intensified over the last few months, and 3 weeks in particular.

He had also told his room mate he just had so much going on in his divorce he didn't have time to scratch himself. (He separated from his abusive and personality disorded wife well over 2 years ago, and we have been together for a year and a half). This is not true. There is nothing going on in his divorce. I have brought it up several times lately as I feel he needs to divorce her. He wants to be divorced from her, just can't seem to get to do it.

The court case over custody and settlement is all over and organised months and months ago (it was horrendous as the ex was extremely difficult to deal with).... the only thing he need now do is the paperwork and process of filing etc. What he had implied to his room mate as an excuse for his behaviour is untrue. There is now nothing going on in his divorce..... and will not be (she won't do it) until he initiates the paperwork.

He seems unable to do anything at the moment, and has completely lost the plot. Everything is making him feel pressured.

It doesn't look good to me. When/if I see him tomorrow I will be suggesting that he come with me to see a doctor immediately..... apart from that, not sure what I can do.

I personally think that when he had depression just before we met, it probably wasn't dealt with appropriately. He had been on anti depressants for only 2 months before he took himself off them due to side effects. Not enough time for them to really do anything or to find a level/type of med that works.

I think the issues of memory, lack of depth of feeling, and some other behaviours have probably pointed to low level depression all throughout our relationship, and now it has once again snowballed into a severe episode after a few months of crumbling and deteriorating behaviours.

I hope he will be able to see the sense of going to get help and getting himself on the road to recovery for his sake and his childrens. They have one mentally ill parent at home (their mum) who has both depression and personality disorder issues, and who is emotionally abusive, they don't need another one..... that could really shut down any chance they have of developing somewhat normally. (They are 4 and 10 years old).

I really appreciate all your input, you have been very kind to me.

Linda. xxx

I suffer from Chronic fatigue and allergies, but have this well under control since I left my abusive ex(stress obviously played a huge part in it). It got to the point where I couldn't work, could barely eat anything without sending my stomach into spasms, had extremely inflamed bladder and intestines, severe gastro probs, at one point they thought I had lymphoma due to a large swelling on my neck and they cut the glands out. I had every investigative procedure you can think of and months and months away from work and life at a time.

Today I am generally healthy, look great, eat what I want within reason, have copious amounts of energy considering the amount of sleep I survive on (will forever have sleep probs I think), and am positive and up-beat. I work nearly full time as a teacher, have bought my own place, and have a great social life. I do need to get back to exercise a bit more, I have let that slide!

I take no medications any more, but do make sure I take my vitamin D (blood test constantly shows I am low in it), transdermal magnesium (the only way to get it into you in the quantities we need if we're low, and I am perpetually low as are most CFS sufferers and often Fibro sufferers), and fish oil. They are my lifesavers.

Of course my superb doctor who is also into natural therapies was a godsend, and monitored me carefully, although I must say I haven't been to see him for well over a year now except with the normal old flu etc.

I noticed in your sig that you had fibromyalgia, and I feel for you. I self diagnosed myself as that at one point too (CFS and Fibro are so often linked or superimposed upon one another by people aren't they!).... all my trigger points were very sore and painful, I have TMJ, the aching aching bones and joints etc etc (well I used too, not much now) and it can be debilitating to say the least. People have no idea how you can be feeling on the inside.

Thank you so much for your support in this.

I received another text just now saying that he is having a real battle with this, and that he has spoken to his room mate who said I looked happy when he saw me out last night and that this pleased him (pleased my partner that is). I guess he doesn't want to feel like he is burdening me. I may have looked happy, but it was me forcing myself to go out and have fun with a friend.... just trying to be proactive and do something for myself whilst this situation drags on.

Linda. xxx

I am hopeless at taking lots of medications, I used to hate that! Especially when it's 3 times a day half an hour before meals and stuff like that.... I was forever forgetting, so I'm glad I'm off all that.

I do still take the occasional xanax to get sleep, my friend gives me some now and then. I used to get them by script via my doctor (50 tabs over 6 months) and just pop one once or twice a week to get some sleep in. My friend gave me about 20 of them 3 weeks ago after this situation all blew up and I have had one or two every night and ran out a few nights ago.... so I'm back to trying to deal with this myself.

Will see how I go for a week or so before going to the doctor myself and asking for something. I am on holidays for 5 weeks now, so I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning, so I can afford to play around with it a bit and see if I can get a bit of a rhythm back.

You do amazingly well on all that stuff to be able to work, I admire you very much. And to put in the time you do on this board answering myself and others, that is an incredible effort and such a help to many people. Thank you.

I have a few heart issues as well, and see my 'heart guy' regularly to keep track of developments. He is a good specialist and is on top of it. I made need an operation down the track, but that is in the future, not now, so I don't worry about it. My blood pressure and cholesterol are always great! If I slack up on taking my magnesium, I always know as my heart starts to play up and gives me a wake up call!!

I know what you mean about eyesight and teeth! My glasses are falling apart and I need to get new ones. My teeth are an ongoing issue as I've always had a crowded mouth and have needed lots of dental work since I was little. My dentist sees me 3, 4 or 5 times a year to keep on top of things, although we have almost gotten to a point where she is happy with everything and I don't need anymore root canals or fillings replaced, or teeth cracking and my mouth is looking the best it has prob ever looked, so that is good too! Yay!

Having your own job and being a little bit independent is great isn't it! But it is hard when it is a struggle, and a difficult choice to make if it becomes something that has to take a back seat. Priorities are important though.... and now I always try and do what supports my mental, physical and emotional health the most at any given time without feeling guilty about how it may affect others. I have to look after me, because if I am the best I can be, then other people get the best of me too!! So it's a win win situation!

It's been great talking to you too.

I'll no doubt post again if I have any major developments or I feel like I'm in a 'black hole'.

Linda. xxx

I am sure that it felt good that he just wanted to hear your voice and feel close to you.  It sounds like you are his lifeline, but he is worried about wearing you down.  That is unselfish on his part.  But him not getting help for himself is selfish, and he probably doesn't even realize it. 

I would say, keep working on you as you are.  Get your xanax.  I do take that, and it does help.  I am prescribed three a day, but usually take only two, unless I can't sleep or get nervous, but haven't had that problem in a while.  Though lately, I have been thinking more, and have to stop that.  I can take more pristiq if needed, but am trying not to.  But if it gets worse, I will have to break down and call her about upping my dose.  I really don't want to if I can help it. 

I think you are spot on with a lot of your thoughts and your situation with your partner.  So you have a level head and can see what is going on.  I hope and pray that he gets some help with the anger and with his thinking.  I know that he doesn't want to hurt you, but he could be getting help and he wouldn't hurt you.

So keep trying to persuade him to get the help that he needs.  You are a good person.

Hugs, Karen

Hugs, Karen

I really think he is doing all of this to save a relationship because he truly loves you.  I think it is a good plan as he needs some help with his issues.  He can focus on himself and you can focus on you.  I am glad that you both have a counseling session coming up. 

It is truly evident that he wants to keep a relationship with you.  And getting the help he nees can save that.  So it looks like he is doing the right thing.  He definately has some anger and authority issues that need to be addressed.  And you need support.  Know that he loves you very much and is doing this to save the relationship. 

I know that it is going to be hard for you, but talking to him on a weekly basis is good.  You will not only have a relationship, but you will also be friends.  That really makes a huge difference in a sucessful relationship.  My husband and I are friends, we always have been.  But my first husband and I really weren't.  The relationship was all give and no getting on my part.  He was a taker.  So it was hard to talk to him.  As my current husband and I can talk about anything. 

Please continue to post here.  Know that we are here for you and hopefully can fill a little of the void that you will be experiencing.  You are a wonderful person.  I am so glad that I have met you.  And know that I really do care.

I hope that your day is good.  I got up way early.  But do have to work this afternoon.  I should take a little nap before work.  But that is hard for me to do, as often I wake up feeling worse than I did before I laid down. lol...

Take care Linda, keep posting and let us know how things are going.  My email is always open too if you ever need to talk.

Hugs, Karen

Just continue what you are doing.  Take the time away to reflect.  Maybe even write things down on paper, pros and cons or whatever.  This might help a little.  I am going to miss you while you are gone.  But know I will be here when you get back.  And hopefully you will have some good news as to what is going on with you.

I hope that you have a nice holiday.  Rest up.  Reflect and embrace the joy. 

You are a special person.

Hugs, Karen