Am I depressed????

i think i am depressed, but how do i know for sure. i feel like saying i am depressed is attention-seeking. nobody here takes it seriously anyway. usually i can keep it under control but my girlfriend broke up with me on sunday. we were on the second day of a two-week overseas exchange trip. it is so hard for me to keep acting normal around her and i can't wait to get home so i can just let go. she has been my emotional rock for the past three years and i am so lost now, i have no other close friends that i can talk to or that i dare let my guard down to because i think i am gay and nobody knows about it.

honestly i don't look forward to anything now. she will be in all my classes at school and i don't know how to act around her now. i used to be active in martial arts but i lost the use of my legs last year and i pretty much have no outlet for release. relationships with family are not good at all. i don't see a future for myself. i hope i die before i reach 20.

I gave your thread a name.

Hugs, Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/18/2009 7:16:57 AM (GMT-7)

First I'm sorry to hear you are having such difficulty, but know that there are people out there who can help. Yes, get intouch with a doc. and be evaluated. you should always take care of yourself first....things will come together after....I'm so sorry you lost your legs as that had to have been a big part of your feeling the way you do. As for the gay thing I've been there and at one point in my life I thought for sure I was straight, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm not going to tell you it's not a struggle....but first get a doc.

hi all and thanks for your responses and kind words, it really means a lot. the thing is that I don't feel like my (ex)girlfriend cares for me anymore. she has been heading overseas a lot for the past two months. before she left for her last trip she slept over at my place and basically made me feel really good, then I didn't hear from her for two weeks and now she has decided that she's straight because she had a crush on a guy who went with her and he liked her too. she didn't even tell me any of this, I don't know how I guessed it but I had a feeling and confronted her and I was right. she said that it made her feel good to know that a guy would like her. she thinks she's fat and that guys only like skinny girls. which just makes me feel like our relationship meant nothing to her because I'm not a guy. this is such an irrational response but I feel like a manhater now (no offense meant) because I want her so bad and I'll never get another chance now and even the craptiest guy will still stand a chance to be with her. I hate it when I hear guys complain about girls not liking them or about how they have to hide their relationships and yet they can afford to be open about it to friends or on their blogs. if you are gay these problems become so much bigger.

the truth about my legs is that they aren't a lost cause. if I do enough therapy I may regain function. but I am so apathetic about them now even though they are a main reason for my feeling this way. i've already been trying therapy for 3 years yet I feel like it doesn't help at all and this is mostly why I have just given up on it.

ohwell, I don't want to spend too much time entertaining my thoughts, it's not good because then I can't get them out of my head. thanks again guys.