WHY AM I SO VERY???????

HI,

 

I really need some help in regard's to me being completely forgetful,clumsy,angry,teary,highly agitated,anxious ect!!!

I started ABILIFY 1 week ago and have been on Avanza for over 12 months. When i saw my pdoc I told him that the Avanza isn't working for me but he said just keep taking it Beverley and wont put me on something different. Also Im not sure if it's the Abilify or my bi-polar11 playing me up badly. Everyday when I wake-up I cant remember what day it is or even the date so i have to check my mobile phone to find out as i cannot remember. Im also very agitated,anxious and very teary and very angry which is getting very scarey as Im normally very cool,calm and collective so to speak but yesterday I went into Target to buy a dress for my daughter's wedding,anyway i went into the checkout and there was a so called lady in front of me,then all of a sudden my ileostomy let off a bad smell and I was very embarrassed by this then this lady turned around to me and said " YOU ****** DIRTY DISGUSTING ***** GO OUTSIDE AND ***** FART IF YOU HAVE TO BUT NOT IN HERE" then the young man that was serving her started laughing at me and I looked away and when I turned back to him he was waving his hand across his nose to this lady laughing his head off. Then the lady said something else to me but by that stage i was in tear's in the middle of Target with alot of people around me. Then I became very angry to the point that i physically chased her outside of the shop's,I went up o her and said to her what did you say to me in there and she said it all again then I said well excuse me but I cant help it as i have a bag,ileostomy and she said i clouldn't vcare what the **** youve got you dirty *****,so I grabbed her by the elbow and said say that again and she did and then the next thing i did was punch her across the face as hard as i could and walked back to my car in a complete mess. I have never been so humiliated in a public place ever until yesterday and i could hardly drive home as i was shaking,crying ect!! I also feel very ashamed by my behaviour as ive never done that before in my life?? And i dont know why im so angry all the time either. I feel like i should be in a pshyc Hospital to get my mood's under control but i dont want to and i cant afford to as i have to work and if i dont im broke. So i dont know what to do and also how do i get this anger under control??? Im really feeling out of control in so many way's and i cant handle it anymore as i cant think straight and anything i do i just muck-up big time!!!!  What do i do please can someone help me with some of this as im not getting anywhere at this stage.Im very scared of my behaviour......

thx to anyone,

 

damagedgoods41..........   very confused..............

beverly, you are at boiling point my friend. you snapped. she deserved  to be told of your bag, you were inflamed thus she didn't care, this got to you further. the embarrassment of the situation was very embarrassing for you. esp with the retail staff and lady haming it up at your expense. geez i fart my head of and daily, i tell people NBF, NATURAL BODILY FUNCTION!!!, yeah i understand that yours was more oderous, but on any other day you probably would have laughed it of yourself. your mind was looking for a release, and it did. i am not excusing her or the situation but i do not condone violence. yeah i understand your financial predicument, but i do think you need to stabilise in hospital, and i didn't forget your promise either!! i am worried for your health my friend. come on, you know what needs to happen. my love and compassion to you beverly. jamie

Hello jamiee,karen and devoured,

 

Thx for ur reply's and yes i have to get this under control. I feel totally ashamed about hitting that lady,but it happened and i cant take it back. Karen answer to ur question about me being charged she took my numberplate and i am waiting for that jnock on the door to charge me,but I have to face up to my wrong action's. Jamiee thankyou so much too. I wish i could just laugh it off but cannot as ive had an issue with my ileo-bag for the last 9 years now and it just never gets any better. I also dont want to go out anymore as im scared it's gonna happen again,except for the violent behaviour. I trulu feel TERRIBLE but then why should she get away with that kind of verbal attack,and it's not like she wouldn't ever pass wind??? Im also going to my pdoc in 3 day's so will discuss the abilify as i think im worse eing on it??? I dont know. Also im very stressed about this wedding and every time i think about having to give her away im in tears so how am i going to be when it's really happening?? I dont know if i can say yes as im just lying then,as i dont want her to marry him but cant stop her. Anyway i have to go and organize and i promise no more violence ok. IM SO SO SORRY......

 

DAMAGEDGOODS41..........

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!!  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Merry Christmas Beverly,

I am just sitting here, and it is late.  I worked until 10:30 tonight.  I just ate a bowl of bean soup and some corn bread that my hb made while I was at work.  It was nice to come to a warm home cooked meal after working all day.  I so appreciate him.  I feel so fortunate to have such a compassionate husband.  I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I am so happy that I have him by my side.  Work has been difficult.  We have a new district manager and he made a lot of changes in the store.  Everybody is up in an uproar right now.  I just do my job.  The best that I can. 

Beverly, if you are going to do this part in the wedding as you seem that you are, why don't you try to be happy about it.  Give her away with a smile.  You bought the dress, right?  Be happy for her the best that you can.  I know that you don't want her to marry this guy.  But she is going to and you are taking part in the wedding, so make it a happy time.  Enjoy it.  I think you would feel better if you did.  It is all in our attitude about things as how we are going to feel about it.  Just like my job.  Everybody is complaining about it, well, I just do it and smile.  What can I do?  Be miserable like the rest of them?  No way...  If I did, I would hate my job.  And I don't want to do that.  I spend too much time there and if I didn't like it, then I would be miserable too.  So we can change our way of thinking about things, and make them much more pleasant to ourselves. 

I am sorry that the woman was so callased.  She basically was rude and that wasn't called for.  But you have to learn to not react to people like that.  Just ignore them.  They aren't worth all the emotion that you are putting into the situation.  What happened is over.  I hope that she doen't press charges against you or anything.  You had a right to be angry, but I don't know the laws there, but here you would be in trouble for hitting her.  If you are, you deal with the consequences of your actions.  Or maybe I should say reaction.  You will learn to bite your tongue and not to hit.  Just think of this as a learning experience.  And try not to think of it too much.  Deal with it when it happens.

I hope that things work out for you with the wedding and all.  Remember that this is your daughters day and that you are going to go with the flow of things.  Try to enjoy it.  And if you can't then leave and go home or go somewhere else. 

I really hope that you are having a happy holiday.  I imagine that you are having Christmas right now.  Ours is in the morning.

Hugs, Karen

p.s even before i got beccy out of the car i was in tears of happiness as i was so very proud of my daughter today....... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Beverly,

I am so happy that the wedding went well.  I am so glad that you had tears of joy and not sadness.  And for Beccy to say that she loves you, well, that just brought tears to my eyes.  This is wonderful. 

I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas as well.  I worked, but we are celebrating ours on Tuesday with the grandkids.  I am looking forward to that.

I found a site that might help you when things get down.  We all know that we wont have perfect days always so I wanted to share.

www.livinglifetothefull.com

Just incase you need it.  It is also free.  I don't know why it didn't all turn blue.  I hope that I didn't write it wrong.

Work was good yesterday.  We were quite busy for not being able to sell alcohol and it being Christmas.  A lady that I don't even know, brought me some chocolate cake.  I thought that was so sweet.  And it was really good.  I didn't share it though, well, I was the only one working.  But I brought it home and my hb and I enjoyed it. 

Again, I am so happy for you!!!  You deserved to have a happy day with your family.

Hugs, Karen

thx sweetie. a couple of years away. no rush. got to get her here first!!! have a good one beverly. with compassion, jamie  it has been a long year-and it has caught up on me the last few weeks. peace and happiness for 2010.

ur very welcome Jamiee and hope you get some rest. HAPPY NEW YEAR 4 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STAY SAFE......

Beverley. :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

beverly, i am honoured that you feel you can talk to me about anything, i feel the same way!!! i am an open book, many more pages that require writing; i never stop learning, thus this book will never close!!! oh, my favourite book of all time is the lord of the rings, j.r.r.tolkein. and i enjoy his poetry and other writings as well. check ya later. jamie

oh beverly, so sorry that your aunt is in palliative care. if it were i -i too would have troubles with my emotions. yours are out of love, thus i am sending you my compassion. you certainly have been through some big stuff beverly. you are a strong, talented and empathetic women. keep posting, i am here for you. my e-mail is open to you if you need to chat. with kindness and compassion. jamie.

DEAR KAREN AND JAMIEE,

 

Happy New year to you both?? Thanks so much for ur kind word's again. My Auntie Pat passed away last night at 7p.m.,very sad 2day and dont even feel like celebrating anything as i feel horrible. All i can think about is my Aunt at this stage. She was still awake at lunch time yesterday then we were called in and last saw her at 3p.m. but she had slipped into a coma,they gave her morphine and she just slipped away by 7pm, it's not fair. Sorry have to go as im to emotional.

 

sincerly,

 

beverley.     xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

my sincere condolences beverly. my heart and compassion is with you at this time. jamie.

we are with you. with peace and harmony. jamie