Hi Karen,
I hope that it is not too cold where you are..... I have seen all the snow and everything on TV over there and it looks freezing and very hard to live in. It is sweltering hot over here in Aus!
Well, things have sort of changed here..... sort of.
He has been in contact a lot more over recent days (a few more texts here and there and a couple of phone calls), and he came to visit last night for 2 hrs so we could talk.
He tried to explain how it had been in the few weeks before he called our relationship off for this break. Said that if I texted him it was almost too much effort for him to text back, but if I didn't he really missed it so I was 'darned if I did and darned if I didn't'..... he'd just felt smothered with all the travelling etc and keeping in touch via phone, and yet he'd wanted to see me more. Said he realises I prob can't understand that, and he is sorry he's put me through everything and pushed me away. He's terrified he's mucked everything up.
Another issue though has arisen, not one I thought there was, but he brought it up. It was Mon night when he was supposed to ring but didn't because he was drunk (unusual for him). He brought up that he remembered wanting to ring me, and then going from thinking about me to not thinking of me at all after he'd had about 5 drinks. Asked me if this has happened before.... I said yes, the 4 times or so he's been out over our year and a half and he'd had a bit to drink he just forgets I exist or anything outside where he is at that point in time exists.
Said the counsellor asked him about his drinking at his first appointment this week (he said she was great by the way and is very much looking forward to going back), and he explained he'd had quite a bit on New Years Eve (went out by himself as he was feeling alone and wanted to celebrate somehow) and again just this last Monday and she told him he'd be advised to cut back. Other than that he may have 1 or 2 cans some nights.... others he has none, sometimes he goes for a week without any, he usually never drinks every day of the week, it's not really been on my radar as a prob as it's never affected his life, job, relationships, time with the kids, moods etc, and I've rarely seen him drunk (maybe 2 times in a year and a half - and then not staggering drunk, just 'happy').
But, he is now concerned he might be an alcoholic!!!!!! Anyhow, we took the 20 question test you can take online (the recommended one that psychs use - the John Hopkins Uni one), and he answered 1 question out of 20 as a yes which the results said was ok. It said if you answer 3 out of 20 yes you may have a definite problem and probably need to change habits and get help.
Here's the thing, there were 2 other questions he ummed and ahhed over a bit..... they were 'Do you feel remorse after drinking?', and 'Do you drink to solve your worries and troubles?'. The one with the definite yes was 'Do you drink alone?'
With the remorse one, he was undecided as the only time he said he'd felt bad was because he realised he'd forgotten to ring me on Monday night until I texted him about it.... but other than that he'd never felt bad, and not bad about his drinking.
The worries and troubles he said no to straight up as he says he just drinks to enjoy it, but I said I thought he prob did even if he didn't realise it.
So, my prob is that after he went I looked at the test again (re-googled it), this time it was on an AA site. They score it slightly differently. On their site it says if you get a score of 1 you might be an alcoholic, if you get 2 you prob are, and if you get 3 you definitely are.
Now I'm terrified he's an alcoholic! But to me it makes sense that as he's been depressed he's been drinking alone a bit more, and doing it to try and escape..... something he's going to have to work on.
My last husband was an alcoholic, and it never occured to me this one was at all. I've been there and done that. This one doesn't drink as much as half my friends, and he doesn't binge drink (unless out with mates and they all do it, but that doesn't happen more than once every 4 or 5 months or so), and can go without whenever he feels like it, and doesn't drink all the time, and when he does drink can easily stop when he wants........... but now I'm worried.
I told him if he was an alcoholic that would be the end of us.... I would not be partaking in that scenario.
He brought up that he would like us to be exclusive again and see each other once a week, maybe more, with the goal of getting back together in a full on relationship when he is more capable. He is scared that while he is still working away and we would have to drive to see one another that it may not be viable, but he wants to work towards it. He said it will be a 'long road' for him, but he will be trying hard and he realises he made a bad mistake by doing what he did to 'us'.
I told him I would have to think about the once a week thing, which took him back a bit, as he said he thought I would 'jump' at that chance. But he said he realises he has brought this upon us, and for me to take time and think about it, and he understands I have to look after myself in this. He is coming back tonight (another hours drive here), to talk some more tonight....... I want to discuss the alcohol thing some more.
I have a counselling session on Monday.
What do you think?
Linda. xxxx
PS. If drinking alone and doing it to forget cares and troubles makes you an alcoholic, then most of my friends are...... specially my best friend who drinks a bottle of wine or more a night (I actually DO think she prob is).
The other questions on the test refer to drinking affecting your work, life in general, blackouts, friends and family asking you about your drinking, etc etc and he is not close to any of these sorts of situations at all. I myself rarely drink.... usually only drink soda water or mineral water when I am out.... my bladder doesn't like alcohol!!!
.