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Posted 1/20/2010 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
cry hi my name is bluebird. im 21 yo married with 2 kids. i first realised that my depression was ruining my marriage after the death of my son in 07 and ever since then i just cant seem to get anything right. my husband has told me that living eachday with me is a nightmare and that he is emotionally and physically drained from trying to help me deal with all my issues. he has now given up on me and couldnt care less if im ok or not i had to drive myself to the hospital to have my daughter in 08 because he didnt care. i feel like im at a dead end and am just constantly crying all the time and think about how much happier everyone else would be without me. i currently see a counsellor and am on effexor150mg but am still having issues with controlling my emotions. i feel like i cant show emotion infront of him because i just get laughed at and be littled i have no friend and as for family im not even going there i am very alone and dont like to leave my house because everyone in the streets are so happy and it frustrated me because i dont remember how to be happy, the concept of happiness confuses the hell out of me, i smile when im supposed to and laugh if i have to but its just a mask to pretend to the world that im 'normal' society is such an emotionless ***** of a thing and 95% of the time i dont want to be a part of it .
even when im happy and nice my husband doent care he will find something to pick on and bring me down he wont take me out anywhere and will not involve me in anything at all. i cant go mplaces by myself i get panick attacks and i have assked that he involves me more and his response to me is "you annoy me to much and are too... in the head when you wake up to yourself and become normal then i will take you places"

can someone please help me ?

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/19/2010 6:14:00 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/20/2010 12:43 AM (GMT 0)
I am new to this but I will be honest in saying I personally can't help you, I will however say that is how I felt for a very long time, even with my own problems I help all of my friends with their own, I had my first session today, my major problem was that I wouldn't tell people because I felt that I would burden them. A while ago I did some research on depression and other related issuses, it opened my eyes and made me for a while actively look for help myself. A reason why I never shared things with people is because I was laughed at, it is good to talk, that is all I can say. I commented to try and help you by trying to show we are not alone. Things will seem bad hopefuly they get better for you.
Posted 1/20/2010 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi bluebird,

Unfortunately, one of your problems clearly is your husband. What you describe is more than mere exhaustion -- he is being abusive. I would cry all the time too if my husband talked to me the way you describe yours talking to you. You have a long road ahead of you, but you are a mother, and you've been through a lot, by the sounds of it. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Take your fate into your own hands and get some help. First, I highly recommend looking into some counseling -- grief, depression, abuse -- none of these things are to be taken lightly. Second, I recommend you see a doctor about your depression.

Good luck,
let us know how you're doing.

serafena
Posted 1/20/2010 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome to both of you, btw!
Posted 1/20/2010 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
yes welcome and it is time to heal my dear. you do not deserve his crap. take care of you. maybe an adjustment in meds may help. take care, with compassion, jamie.
Posted 1/21/2010 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
thanks so much for your kind words everyone ,

i feel like each and everyday is a struggle and i find it hard to want to get outa bed everyday

i feel like ive hit a dead end and i feel very lost and confused i wonder if my like will ever be happy again. i have been sad too long now to know what happiness is and everyday my husband finds something new about me to complain about. it makes me wonder am i such a horrible person, i try so hard to be what every one says i should be

im sorry if i sound like a whingy little girl but this seems to be the only escape i have at the moment and thanks again for all your kind words.

i was crying last nights looking at my sons photos he was 16weeks prem and died when he was a week old. so anyway i was looking at his pictures and having a cry alone, i hide when im  upset but this time my husband found me and started yelling at me telling me how stupid i am for crying over 'nothing'. not a day goes by when i dont miss or think about my little angel baby. but i feel like im not allowed to thonk about him or to be sad about losing him or missing him. i just dont know what to think about anything anymore is it so wrong to get teary over a lost child?

 

Posted 1/21/2010 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
geez sweetie you are allowed. stuff him!! i lost my lady 3+ years ago, and i cry. this is your child. we all grieve in our own way, there is no right or wrong way. i think you need some support. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 1/21/2010 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
ps, hubby too!! sounds as though he needs support as well. his anger may have a grieving component? men do cry, some sadly do not show there emotions, and some bottle them up and explode. this is not excuseable, albeit this maybe a factor. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 1/21/2010 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
You do deserve to be able to grieve your little one.  There are no rules or time limits on that.  Like Jamie says, stuff him.  Ignore what he says and when he yells.  He just probably can't stand to see you cry, but he should be more compassionate, though he isn't.  Just don't let him get to you.  You are a wonderful human being and deserve to have feelings.  I agree with the counseling, and both of you need it, but do your part and leave the rest up to him.  If he doesn't get help so be it, but you need to heal.  We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/22/2010 12:55 AM (GMT 0)

bluebird, sounds like a lot of fear and sadness. Even when we think we are acting normal I know that I'm not. Many years I have put on a brave face and haven't fooled very many. Doing everyday things are tough...especially through the tears. Your husband may be suffering also with the greif and with helplessness of helping you. Fight Fight Fight through the tears and see if you can find some semblence of yourself of a happier time. Your child will always be a part of you and will always be sad that they are gone......today is here though and we gotta grab it....not sure how to do this as I am in a quandry myself....but I am hoping to find today and see at least a small percent of happy somewhere.

HUGS!

Posted 1/22/2010 2:34 AM (GMT 0)
I think your husband's lack of compassion towards you when you lost a child is incredible and unforgivable. Going to the hospital to have your daughter alone because he didn't care says it all.

This is not good for you and a bad influance on your children. I'm sorry to say I don't see a future for you with him and keep in mind behavior like this seldom changes, only gets worse. It's no wonder your depressed.
Have you ever thought of leaving him, has your councelor ever mentioned this to you. I can see you getting well, but not with this totally inconsiderate man in your life.

Bluebird no one should be treated the way your being treated and no one should live this way either.
He's striking out as both a father and a husband.

Changing my life got me out of my depression and I think it will do it for you too.
Posted 1/22/2010 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Bluebird firstly i want to send a big ( ((((((HUG ))))))) You deserve so much more .Loosing a child especially on ethat was only with you for such a short time .You will always have the images and short memories of him and thats fine it`s normal .Your husband grieves also but in a different way men do not show their emotions and some have a very hard time dealing with it .I lost a son a couple of years ago but for me we had him for many years but still no matter how long they are with us even five minutes they are part of us and more part of the mother who carried them for such a long time .Its sad your hubby puts you down like he does mine did the same it was always my fault things went wrong .But i live for my children i have it`s important to give them the love they need and require .
But you are equally importane because if you are now well then of course you can`t cope with your family in the way you want to and you feel even worse . I stayed home for 12 yrs after being hurt by a so called friend so i blocked every one out and even my family .they were the first i pushed away andit took a long time to realise that the ones you love the most go first .
You definately need someone to talk to your gp is a great step then the therapist a close friend or even the computer monitor works well for me as there is no one sitting infront of me .In here peole care ,listen ,don`t judge and offer advise on how to deal and cope through their own experiences .Please do come in and just talk away because talking and letting it out really does help a long way in your healing process.If you have pictures of your little oy put them out for people to see it will also help your hubby realise why you feel the way you do .I talk to my sons picture all the time it`s hard some days but it does get easier in time .The pain will always be there thats why grief councilling for you and your hubby is so important .
I wish you luch and hope you will keep us up tp date with your progress .Even going for a walk will help you it does not have to be where other people are but out in the fresh air is so good at cleansing your head .
HUGS
Snowflake
Posted 1/23/2010 3:03 AM (GMT 0)
 though all the anger and sadness i look at my 15 month old daughter eating a lollypop and yelling out NUM NUM and i cant help but laugh with her she is my light in what seems like an infinitely dark world. she is inlove with dolly parton which is so funny she sings jolene lol. im tryin not to dwell on stupid stuff instead on enjoying baby karaoke lol its so cute i must say today is good!!!

i told my husband how he makes me feel last night, it was a big deep and meaningful and he actually shut up and listened to me. he says he didnt realise what he was doing ... hmm but he has made a self referral to a counsellor. he says he wants 'us' to be like that way we used to be i told him i cant see it happening and that ive had enough , then he cried and begged to give him a chance. then i cried then for the first time since i cant remember he held me and told me he loved me and that it was going to be ok

we will see how long this lasts.

 

Posted 1/23/2010 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bluebird21,

Try to be optimistic about all this.  Hope that it does work out.  Don't wait to see how long it lasts, take it one day at a time.  Give it your all and hopefully he will too.  Then if things don't work out, take the next step that you need to take.

I hope all works out well for the both of you.  And enjoy the little ones.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/24/2010 10:06 AM (GMT 0)
so far so good i must say, i have let my voice be heard and he has begun to take the whole family out p;aces! i nearly died of shock! he told me i was beautifull and i cried because its been so long since anyone has said that to me! he asked how i was feeling and what was on my mind i feel like for once ive done the right thin by speaking up and not letting him over power me! i feel stronger if it wasnt for you guys and your kind words and awesome advice i still would have been silent in a creul dark world! but its only early days yet so one day at a time with my head held high and my baby and me are number 1 and whatever happens at least i know she has an awesome mummy and she makes me happy you guys are great and all deserve hugs and a raise!!!!!!!!!
Posted 1/24/2010 11:20 AM (GMT 0)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

FROM JAMIE.smurf smurf smurf smurf smurf smurf smurf

Posted 1/29/2010 7:44 AM (GMT 0)
everything has gone downhill i cant say anything and am constantly walking on egg shells

i cant even talk without getting yelled at and told how annoying i am no matter what i say

his excuse is that my voice annoys him too much and when i dont talk at all i get yelled at for being 'retarded'

this leaves me at a loss for words, confused and deeply hurt and upset so i go and hide and cry and if i am found in my sad little corner i am yelled at and told how stupid and worthless i am

i am beginning to think that these things i am constantly told are true it seems like the only time i am worthwhile and am treated nice is when he want sexual favours it makes me feel like an animal all i do is cook clean care for him and my kids and still am not good enough i dont want to end teh relationship as deep down i believe there is a chance there but he is going to be getting anti depressants. i take anti depressant and feel better within myself but he is too prod to get help but im surpried je is seeking help

we will see how it goes... i want more than anythong for it to work out but i am emotionally exhausted....

Posted 1/29/2010 4:03 PM (GMT 0)
I hope that the anti depressants work for him, but remember they could take four to six weeks to reach their full effect.

You don't deserve to be treated this way.  You are a good person and his demeaning behavior is rediculous.  Try to be patient and see if he changes with the help of meds.  But in reality, you can only take so much.  You are darned if you you do and darned if you don't.  You don't deserve this.

Remember you are a special individual.  You are a good person.  His problem is just that, his problem.  So it is up to you if you want to wait around and see if things get better.  One day at  a time, I always say.  But like I say, you can only take so much.  I hope he starts treating you better.

Come here for support.  We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/30/2010 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Bluebird,

I would like to say welcome and let you know that ur not alone anymore even though you may not feel that way as yet. I come from a similar background to you but i cop it all from my entire family. Your husband sounds like a very poor excuse for a husband as all he is doing is dragging you down even more than you should be. The loss of ur child must have been one of the hardest thing's to ever have to cope with in life and as a mother myself i can only imagine how terrible this must be for you,but never ever be ashamed of having a cry over ur lost child or for anything else for that matter!!!! You do not deserve to be treated so badly by him and if it were me i would have had the divorce papers thrown in his face as he is just cruel. Doesn't it tell you something about his character when he wouldn't take you to the hospital when you gave birth to your other child??

I also understand what ur saying about putting the mask up and isolating urself and having trouble going out of the house,as i to am very much the same. I only go out when i really have to as in work,doc's ect!! Other than that i dont leave my home and it's just debilitating in every way. Anyway i truly hope u get all the help you need and deserve and maybe an adjustment with ur med's may also help?? Just a thought. Remember ur not alone as we are all here for you darling.

 

Sincerley,

 

damagedgoods.....scool nono scool

Posted 1/30/2010 3:37 AM (GMT 0)
I know what it feels to be depressed. I can tell you that you should continue with your counseling. It may also be good to get involved with a support group. You need to be surrounded by positive people especially in these hard time you are going through. Also, I also believe your husband is a part of the problem. Your husband should support you and try to understand your difficult times. I really think a support group will help out greatly. Im sorry to say this but maybe you would be better off with out him in your life. You are going thru enough and you don't need his additional negativity in your life. I hope you feel better and remember there is people here for you always willing to hear you out. Take care. :)
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