Hello Everyone

My life has been crapty, to sum it all up. Let me tell my story.

When I was in the fourth grade, my parents got divorced. This troubled me greatly. I didn't know what to think, nor what to do. A year later in Fifth grade my dad's mother died. I was very close to her because we would always go visit our family every holiday since I can remember. Time went on, I was in Sixth grade, and my Grandmother (my mom's mom) moved all the way from Oregon to Ohio to live with my mother, my brother and I. A year later, my Dad's dad died. I was close to him as well because we visited him too and he was someone I respected. Over the course of the next few years, my grandmother whom was living with us, got cancer. Finally when I was in 9th grade, she died after a long suffering in an end-of-life home. Sophomore year in highschool my Mom got cancer. I was so scared. She suffered so bad, taking chemo every week. I saw her each day laying on the couch in so much pain it made me hurt inside, deeply. She told me each week the doctor she was getting better. Stuff happened in my family and I moved in with my dad. I'm a Junior as this is happening, this happened last Sept. '04. I went over to my old house, my mom's house, to get some stuff, and she told me she had to go back to the hospital. I didn't know why but I gave her a hug. The next weekend she was moved out of the hospital into an end of life home. I went to see her but she couldn't talk or anything. This is my mom that I've lived with for 17 ****ing years laying in her deathbed. I was in disbelief, I had to of been. The next morning, this all in the span of 3 days, she died...at the age of 40. Recently I dropped out of school and i've lost all interest in my friends and my activities. Life is getting pretty bad for me, and I've even have had thoroughly thought of suicide. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm stuck in life and I need some advice. I'm only 17 and I k now dropping out of school could in turn wreck my life later, but I am just not motivated to do anything anymore.

If you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. I anticipate comments - TY!

Grief for a loved one is the rock upon which the strongest of people founder. It's no surprise to me that you can't be bothered doing things that might have a payoff sometime in the future, when you are struggling so hard to cope with just now. Mother Nature has designed you to feel as if now is what matters, and it will be taking up all your time and energy and attention !

Advice is often only worth as much as you pay for it, but I think you've done an unusually smart thing in coming to this forum. So often the impulse is to pretend the hurt is not there, or to not ask for help because you just want to be alone. (Or maybe I was just very dysfunctional at your age !  )

Here, you can speak to people who know the flavour of the problem you are trying to cope with - not just a theoretical knowledge from training - and the help is more likely to be about your feelings and less likely to be about a PCP's favourite medication.

Well, for what it's worth, my advice is the same as the others. Go see a bereavement counsellor if you have such a service locally, or failing that go see a doctor to see what help is available. This is not something that you are likely to be able to cope with yourself - you will probably need either chemical or behavioural (but certainly in some form, emotional) help to win through this  uphill challenge.

Best of luck, smart guy !

I hope you are doing ok. It's incredibly hard to lose your mother at such a young age, for her and for  you. And it sounds like you didn't really have enough warning.

you've gotten some excellent repliess here. But, you need a time to grieve and know that is normal. It would be better probably to be in school, but you should focus on being kind to yourself and others if they deserve it, thinking about the good times with your mother, and enjoying the family you still have with you.

   Focus on what you have. And then cry like hell about your mom. It's hard hard hard. But I often remind myself about this or that, other people go through this, so can I. But I've used friends, therapists, l2-step programs, group therapy, ...could never get through life without help from loving people.

And I'm really glad this on line spot exists for some people to reach out and hug you and say, take care, and we're sorry you're hurting so bad. Janice33