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Why can't things just be normal?

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Depression
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Posted 2/21/2010 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
Okay, so I've been told all my life that I should be the happiest person alive because I have a loving family and am successful in life, blah blah blah, all that.. But what people fail to see about me is that I'm a failure.  Nothing really every works out for me.

I've lost almost every friend I've ever had this year.  I can't have fun around people anymore... It's just... Empty.. I don't know. Nothing that I do is ever fun, except maybe read because it takes me out of this world..  Half the time I don't care, but times like right now I do because I'm out of one of those depressive stages.. My own parents think I've done this since 7th grade just to get attention... But I don't get how they can still say that after all these years.  This was supposed to be the best year of my life, last year of high school, all that jazz, and it's turned out to be the worst.  Everything that I've worked toward is just falling apart, and now my grades are dropping..

I hate failing, yet I fail at everything.  I don't think things are ever going to get past this point.  I wish I could just escape.  I've wished that forever it seems.. I don't know. I'm out of hope for the future.  Even college is beginning to look like a bust.. And now I'm turning antisocial, and I CAN'T DO ANYTHING about it!! Everytime I walk into school depression just grips me and I can't think or move or talk or do anything! I don't know why it keeps happening.  I've always had these little episodes, but lately they've just been getting worse and worse and I feel like I'm going insane!!

Sorry for all this ranting... It's just... Well, you know.  I just need help, but I'm afraid to get it and afraid of opening up in life.. Thanks for reading.. 

Posted 2/21/2010 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi neverbetter,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.

It sounds a little like you might have a little anxiety issue going on. Along with the depression. If you get feeling different in social situations. Or anxiety about school.

The best thing to do is to open up with a school counselor. You could use the extra support. And if you aren't comfortable with the school counselor, talk to your doctor about it and maybe they will set you up with a therapist or something. You have to start somewhere to heal and get better. Obviously something is bothering you or you have some issues that need to be resolved.

Can you talk to your parents? Or a relative about this? I don't completely understand your issues, except that you aren't happy when you think that you should be. If there is a problem, it isn't the problem but how you handle it. Life is full of bumps in the road. As you get older you will realize that. You need to face things head on and push your way through. Then it smooths out for a while and then you have bumps again. But the sooner you learn to deal with it, the easier it is. It is all in problem solving. It is all about maintainance of life. It could be as simple in having to charge your phone battery to changing a flat tire. You never know when you are going to face obsticals along the way. You just have to work your way through it.

I hope that this helps a little. There will be other members to greet you and give their input. I hope that you can make it through school. An education is so important.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/21/2010 6:36 AM (GMT 0)
agree with karen, and one day at a time also. things do get better. we understand and we care, i think some therapy will help you greatly. with compassion, jamie. hang in there.
Posted 2/22/2010 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
You know, I've been depressed my whole life as well honey. I think your parents are saying it's for attention because that's what 'they' need to believe to make things tolerable for them. I don't think they mean harm but just don't know what to do. At your age, I wouldn't go see a therapist. I'm much older know I swear by it honey. It's a safe place where you can say anything and it doesn't leave the room. You can vent, cry, laugh or whatever you need to do. I never found out why I've been so depressed my whole life but come up with ways I can deal with it, well, at least most of the time. I still feel like you do at times but thankfully it's not constant anymore. People say when they're depressed they feel invisible. I WANT to be be invisible. I want people to stay away. I want to stay at home and not deal with life. My modivator is my husband. I think he deserves more then some who'se bummed out all the time. Maybe your modivator can be school. You can't give up on that. I did and I'm now 52 with a secretarial job. I wanted so much more from life and you should get what I never did. Seek help honey. I don't think you'll be sorry. We're all here to lend support but we're not trained in this field so you really need someone who it. Be honest with them. I walk in and told him my name and that I think people suck in general and i have a crappy attitude. He agreed that people suck in general and we had a starting point. Being lost is the worst feeling in the world. So go find yourself. Find your "singing voice" (lyrics from a song).
Posted 2/22/2010 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for responding.  The encouragement is really nice to hear after all these years of aloneness, and it's nice to know people out there are actually going through simliar things.

I had a really bad episode today, and I couldn't focus on school or anything... All I could keep thinking about was how much I hated being there and how much I just wanted to get away from everything, the usual.  I pretty much had a breakdown last night, where I had to make myself cry just to feel anything... If that makes any sense..

I want to get help.. Really.  But I'm scared.  I have a really hard time opening up to people, and I'm afraid of going to the school counsellor because he knows my family really well and I'm afraid he's going to tell my parents something is seriously whacked up in me.  And I'm afraid to ask my parents to pay for a therapist, what with college approaching and them forking out money for that too..

I'm also kind of scared to start taking steps toward getting better, though that sounds incredibly strange.. I guess I've just been gone so long that I don't even know who the real me is anymore... 

Thanks again for reading this... I don't mean to say "I" a billion times.. :(  But thanks nevertheless.

Posted 2/22/2010 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
I often think that we get comfortable with the depression because after a while, that is all we know and we get use to it. Your therapist isn't allowed to talk to your parents or anybody for that matter. You have confidentiality with that kind of a relationship. So I wouldn't worry about that. And I don't think you are "wacko", so don't worry about that either. The worst thing that could happen is that you might need medications which isn't that big of a deal anyway. So don't worry about it, just do it. You will be glad that you did. The sooner the better too. Catch it early and it is easier to deal with. I think that you will probably just need some therapy and you will start feeling better. And you are the real you, just not depressed. So take that first step, talk to a school therapist and then go from there. If you are more comfortable, talk with your doctor and they can hook you up with some help.

Take care, keep posting. Know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/23/2010 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
a big yes to karen's post. the sooner you get some treatment the sooner you will bounce back. hey, do not be scared about seeing someone, depression is a medical condition-alike any other!! healing thoughts to you, jamie.
Posted 2/24/2010 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel about asking your parents for more help than they are already giving you but you are probably on their health insurance, am I right? If so honey, they only be paying a co-pay of maybe $20-$25 dollars for your visits and I'm sure they'll do anything in the world to help you. They sound like they want to be supportive but just don't what to do. Can you blame them. WE don't even know what to do for ourselves half the time. Talk to them. It's okay to cry and show them you really would feel better talking to a professional about things. When/if they ask you what's wrong, just be honest and tell them you just don't know and that's why you need to see someone. I'd make an appt soon. You know, if you get to a point in a conversation that you just don't feel easy answering, just tell the therapist. I know I did and we came back to it when the timing was better. No one can 'make' you talk but you'll probably find that you don't mind when it's someone who is not getting hurt by things you might have to say.
Posted 2/25/2010 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Okay, so today was weird, in many ways.

I guess it really started last night, when I suddenly had a severe anxiety attack/episode and I finally realized that I should be listening to what you guys have to say and get help for this.  I don't want to live in sadness or anxiety anymore.  So after about 3 hours of sleep last night, (normal during such times... Gr.. Insomnia drives me crazy) I woke up early and told my parents that I needed help and I wasn't going to take no for an answer because I have problems that need to be fixed, etc. and I don't understand what's happening to me so I need help. They still didn't believe me, and wondered "What are you studying in psychology right now?"... Haha. I told them that this is serious and finally got them to yield and agree to schedule me an appointment with a therapist.  So hopefully I'll have my first session sometime after next week, so I just have to pull through exams and wait until then...

It kind of irks me that they didn't believe me and still fully don't, but hey, at least I finally got the guts to make them try and see what I'm going through.  Thanks again for the encouragement-- I could have never summed up the courage without you all.  I guess I'll just have to see where this leads and get through next week okay..

Posted 2/25/2010 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
WELL DONE!! TOOK SOME GUTS!! YOU WILL BE OKAY, AFTER ALL THERAPISTS ARE PEOPLE TOO. I DID OVER SEVEN YRS WORTH. BEST INVESTMENT EVER. I AM REALLY PROUD OF YA. HAPPY FACES!!!! JAMIE

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Posted 2/25/2010 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
This is such good news...the unknown can be so scary, but it should not prevent you from feeling well...you deserve it...how brave!!! big hugs, J
Posted 2/26/2010 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Good job sticking up for yourself! That takes guts and you did great. Good luck!

serafena
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