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Help me! I am confused and unhappy!

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Depression
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Posted 2/27/2010 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hello,

I am a 24 year old woman. I live with my parents. I completed my engineering studies in 2007. I had been working as a teacher for one and a half years and have now stopped. I wish to do my Masters degree this year. I am also to be married this year.

My problem is unhappiness. I don't really know whether i have depression. But I am always unhappy or rather I'm scared to be happy. Whenever I happen to laugh out happily for a moment or enjoy myself for a moment, the next moment I am suddenly reminded of something worse that would happen in the future. I am scared of an impending doom. So because of this I can't seem to be happy at all. I am always guilty conscious. I feel I have committed terrible sins in the past. I don't really know what they are. I have quarreled with my parents, friends etc. I have made wrong moves and ended up embarrassed of myself.

On February 13th 2010, my mom and I had a small argument. I am a very hot tempered person. When angry, I have no idea what words I speak out. When I was younger, I never used bad words but now a days, I can't seem to calm myself down without swearing under my breath. I don't know what wrong I had said but she hasn't spoken a word with me since that day. Even though I tried to make up, she doesn't seem to want to make up. She seems determined to continue this way all our lives. This added to my misery. Living in the same house without uttering a word to each other is horrible. I now feel so bad that I even thought of ways to. Apart from this I now feel great hatred towards my mom that I wish to hurt hurt her badly. I don't mean any physical harm. I feel like hurting myself so that she would be mentally hurt. But I don't think it would bother her a bit.

Since I don't have a job now, I feel like I'm a burden to my parents. My dad pays for my violin lessons. I am ashamed to ask them for any money for my personal use. So I don't. We are not financially well-off. I feel locked up inside a prison coz I don't ask my parents to take me out sometimes, cos I don't want to waste their money for the petrol. The only people I see are my mother, father and my violin teacher. Nobody else. I feel so worthless and ungrateful.

My fiance and I are miles apart. I told him my problem through IMs. He understands my problem but that just doesn't seem enough. I'm afraid my problem is going from bad to worse. Dread fills my mind and I feel I am going to be punished in the near future. I hope somebody will help me out. I can't possibly go out and meet a doctor.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/27/2010 8:23:13 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/27/2010 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
Dear springfairy , hello its good you reached out to talk to someone and I'm sorry your feeling so down right now .You don't say what part of the world you live at , but I think it very important you talk to a professional about how you feel .Most places provide free services for folks who find themselves depressed or just not feeling right .I'm sure you could find help like that online , please give it a try , I will be praying for you .
Posted 2/27/2010 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi and so sorry you are going through this...do you have a relationship with a GP who you can talk to? Maybe this would be a start...I know first hand that exchanging support in this way can definitely lift one's mood...it has happened for me...wishing you more peaceful times, big hugs, J
Posted 2/27/2010 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
springfairy, I also found myself dealing with quick anger and unhappiness. I still do. But, there was a change when I found the correct medication/s. I went to a pcychiatrist who spent the time to ask me how the medication worked, and we made decisions on the effect until I found the way I hoped to feel.

At first I couldn't feel and that was not what I wanted. Then I found a way to stay rather consistent, yet I felt a lot of anxiety. I added a small amount of a second medication and that took the edge of anxiety away. Now, I don't mean completely, and that I don't work toward the next best action, but I do mean that a change came where I found my mind would cooperate with me. I've become far less angry and passive aggressive. Things which were/are done to me regularly. I'm only human and have to accept my shortcomings.

Good luck, and I agree that some kind of writing is good as a supplement to therapy.
Posted 2/27/2010 3:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Springfairy,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I know all capitals, makes it look more official. lol...

I think as mentioned above that the counseling would help, and maybe a mood stabilizer. It will take care of the anger. You sound like such a sweet person, it is hard to imagine you getting angry or hateful. I think with the proper meds and therapy, you will feel better. So give that a try.

I am sorry that your mom isn't talking to you. She will get over it. And remember this is her problem, not yours. So she has to get past this. You can't force it, no matter how hard you try. In my opinion, she needs to forgive and move on.

I hope that you are feeling better today. Coming here is a good thing. There are so many wonderful members.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/28/2010 1:40 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Mikel99, White stone, SLEEPY and getting by(forum moderater)

Thank you very much for your prompt replies. They are so helpful. I am an Indian, who was brought up in the Middle East. I think therapists are available here. Again , I m rather ashamed of letting anybody know abt this issue of mine. Whoever has heard me have said that I am making up delusional problems in my mind. They seem to deride it as silly. That makes me more angry. My mood swings between two extremes. One minute I am enraged and the next moment I m so filled with remorse for having said things that aren't nice, when I was angry.Yes, its high time i met a professional. I shall do that soon.

Yes today I feel better (thank God). I spent quite some time writing stories(which seems to be the only thing that helps me forget my unhappiness). Mummy isn't still talking to me. I hope things will change in course of time. I seem to have gained a positive outlook today. I hope this optimism will not evaporate away quickly. I hope it stays.Thank you for your unconditional support friends! God bless!
Posted 2/28/2010 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you are feeling better today and glad that you decided to get help. Don't worry about what other people think. It is you that matters. You are a wonderful person. And you will get through this. So glad that you find help here. We have a wonderful group of kind and compassionate members.

Hugs to you, Karen
Posted 2/28/2010 4:51 PM (GMT 0)
Yes it is wonderful you are feeling better and I too hope it lasts , but I still think talking to a therapist would help you a lot We can't do these things alone , you've nothing to be ashamed of , needing help is human .Its shameful only not to get help when you know you need it . Please consider it . Mikel
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