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Lost and now turning to emotional manipulation

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Posted 2/27/2010 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, I just wanted to ask for some advice because I am completely at a loss...

My partner recently left to live in another country, and has been gone for 3 months. We had planned to be together in the next 2 months, but after my last outburst, I am not sure it will. It's incredibly difficult to remain positive, and i can't bear the thought of losing her.

Her leaving has left me depressed and highlighted a number of other facts about myself. I think the combination of her leaving and my depression has turned me into a manipulative person - i am constantly looking for approval, and she does try her best. A part of me thinks it might be obsessive compulsive, but i really don't know if it is that, or if i am trying to find ways to bring myself down because i don't feel good enough.

It's almost as if everything she says and does is not good enough and deep down i feel hurt by it. All she has ever done is show me how much she loves me, and I've taken the role of victim now, even though we had planned beforehand to be together. Now i have become vicious in trying to get her to show me she loves me, even though there isnt much more she can do (other than come back, but that is unfair on her)

I can's stand the neediness i now have and am actually appalled by some of the things i have said to her . I have put words into her mouth and said she doesn't love me and never will. After that, this morning, she said she doesnt me to go to be with her if i am like this. I have been this way before and she said she won't tolerate it, especially while we are apart.

I really feel like an insensitive brat, because she misses me too and i have not really appreciated that. I don't know how to do this.

Any help or tips would be very appreciated!!
Thank you so much.
Posted 2/27/2010 9:05 PM (GMT 0)
um i am not a very good person on giving tips on relationships or much of anything but i will try my best.... i think that if you could take the essence of your post (that you love/ miss her and really do not want to hurt her but because of a number of factors ( including deppression) you have found yourself doing/saing these thing) and were to send it to her she would understand, because from your post it seems that neither of you want anything to hurt your relationship, i belive she would understand.
i hope this helps some
Posted 2/27/2010 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
morpheuse, thank you! You have indeed helped and thank you again for your time!

I do have the need to tell her, but it feels like all I have been doing lately is complaining about how much i miss her and love her. Telling her again might scare her off and she possibly wouldn't feel the same about me.

The long distance seems to have triggered a very unhealthy neediness, almost bordering on obsession. I want to be strong for her and be the one she comes to for peace and happiness, not because i am always feeling low. She has previously said that me being this way will drain her, and it is very draining on me too, to the extent that i have considered ending my job and relationship. It's definitely a more deep-rooted issue I have, and I feel really stuck.

It's almost as if the emotions are taking over me and i can't focus at home or work. It's completely irrational and in my weakened state, it's hard to control. I've tried, but from time to time it comes back and hits hard, and can turn me into a completely different and vicious person. I hate that.
Posted 2/27/2010 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
i also feel like that some times and i have found it has been making my friendships strained however i think if you can tell her in a way that is not so much like i need you (even if you do) but more like "i know i have not been treating you as i should and i need you to know how deeply sorry i am, then exsplain in rational terms like you have been doing in the posts how you feel and your fears about a deeper problem, do not simply say you love and miss her because i think that would be glossing over the problem and would not be giving her the information she needs in order to understand because it does not adress the concerns you have about how you are comunicating with her and it does not acknowledge her right to understand what has been placing strain on your relationship. though it will be hard attempt to write a coherent well thought out explination of your feelings and thoughts and exsplain that the last thing you want to do is to hurt her ( i sugest writing because it alows you to say everything with out getting off track or being interupted and allows you to carefully consider what you are going to say)
um i really hope this helps

remember better days can always come, these moods of deep sadness that are effecting us are not really what we really feel so consider everything you do carefully when you relize you are in one of the moods.
(sorry my writing style is so... idk mechanical i am in the midst of a reaserch paper and still in that frame of mind :) )
Posted 2/27/2010 10:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Notentirelysure,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I think that the above post says it well. Let her know that you are sorry for seeming so needy. And explain what you said to us to her. Being totally honest will free you. You have taken the first step by coming here and explaining what you are going through and I really think she will understand. Let her know that you feel like you have been manipulative and you don't want to be that way. I think opening up has already helped you in your quest. Keep trying. You will get through to her if you are honest.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/27/2010 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
that does make perfect sense and helps! in a way all we can do is try our best... easier said than done most of the time!

Being depressed and thinking rationally sometimes takes a long time to get to grips with. She's a lot better at being rational than i am, and she knows that i have these massive mood swings, so it isnt always easy for either one of us. At times it really does feel as if i create issues to sabotage the relationship, so that no one can hurt me or even get close to me. Very silly.

Amazingly enough, she just called me to say sorry and that she was being emotional too with our argument! I feel much much better now, though i don't want to feel like she's the main source of my happiness. This again though, shows that the negativity always comes into play. I become happy, then for some silly reason, I start to get low and focus only on the bad which pulls me down into sadness.

I am grateful that she is as wonderful as she is to put up with me. Also really fortunate that i realise i have a problem and am trying to correct it.

morpheuse, thanks and good luck with that paper!
Posted 2/27/2010 10:20 PM (GMT 0)
thank you Karen :) it's very good to know that even though we feel alone, there are other people out there! Your support means a lot.
Posted 2/27/2010 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
Because of my history, I have abandonment issues...when ppl I count on leave, I take it much harder than others...it is just the way some of us are wired...hoping you are feeling better and so glad you reached out to a community of ppl who understand...and from how you sound, she is fortunate to have you too...warts and all...we are all so imperfect!!! big hugs, J
Posted 3/1/2010 9:37 AM (GMT 0)
I am feeling down again - i can't tell whether it is my fault, or things that have happened before and been said.

I have been focussing on tiny details, blowing them out of proportion and making them affect me a lot. I now feel quite foul and down. It only causes distrust. Like WhiteStone, I probably have abandonment issues too. I sometimes think i should just end the relationship, but it makes no sense as I love her and would hurt me so much more if we did. It's incredibly dangerous to make that kind of decision when we're not thinking rationally.

I just needed to get this out - not sure how to get around it so hoping that just writing will help get it out of my system.
Posted 3/1/2010 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
Writing does help you think more rationally. And gets the little things out of your mind. You are right, don't make any decisions when you are not thinking rational. Are you going to any counseling? I think it would really help to have some support right now.

Try not to dwell on things, occupy your mind with a project of some sort. Try to live in the moment (the now) and not let your mind wander. This works for me. There is so much more to life than dwelling on things. That only confuses us and causes us to do things we wouldn't normally do. I am glad that you are seeing this.

Keep posting, as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/1/2010 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen, I am not going to any counseling, although i probably should be.

It's becoming really ridiculous the way I feel - it's as if something is tugging at me to push her away. It's probably the hurt of being in a LDR and missing her. Feels almost like she has broken up with me and at times I am not sure how to feel. I love her, but i hate that she left. It's almost as if i don't know how i feel about her when i am like this. I don't want to be around people - work, friends and even my family :(

I know if i tell her i never want to see her again or break up, i think I will completely regret it afterwards. I don't know. I'll also then probably try and make her feel bad. It's like my good feelings for her are trying to fight negative emotions and thinking patterns, almost seems like self-victimising. It's feels physically sore - really odd and confusing...
Posted 3/1/2010 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Wait and see how you feel. Don't make any hard decisions when you are depressed, because you may feel differently tomorrow.

I understand wanting to be alone. I am the same way when I am depressed. And I think a lot of us are. Just take this one day at a time. You will be together again.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/1/2010 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen. It seems like sometimes the only way i choose is to do something brash, like ruin a relationship, because at least that will get a response, good or bad. Someone else will feel the pain in a certain way to the one I do. It's incredibly selfish. And the closer they are to me, they more they will feel it. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't do it because i enjoy it! It feels like I do it because I am hurting and they don't understand. But that might be me making up things. My mind is all over the place.

Doing nothing means having to control or ignore these emotions that are so strong.

That is what i mean by being emotionally manipulative - doing something to get a response, but subconsciously. It doesnt help my or her situation, especially while we're apart.
Posted 3/1/2010 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
You are probably right. Most people that I know who behave in such a way, they do it to get a response. I use to have a friend who would want to be around me, but she would always want to argue. Over every little thing. And it was for attention. I finally quit seeing her because I couldn't handle the manipulation anymore. So beware, you might run into people who will avoid you because of what you are doing and then there will be no attention whatsoever. From my point of view, life is too short for the emotional drama. Just thought you would like a response from somebody who can see what you are talking about yet on the other side of the court.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/3/2010 7:02 PM (GMT 0)
I just came across an interesting, though debatable, article about the evolutionary reason for depression:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html

I'm curious to see what you all think...
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