Question for Jamiee

for me, well if i do not get up my brain goes to mush, furthermore my resiliance has increased. how, well i am aware of my depressive cycles. one thing that has definately helped is advising everyone that i meet is to inform them of my mental illness, thus people will know if i am having a bad/good day, etc. another concept is to ditch time. yeah, i am allowing things to happen in their own time, i am first in all things now. this appeases my mind and stops it from overloading. also i roster certain things for certain days. in terms of my home, if it is clean then i feel clean-due to having many visitors i like my home to be a constant reflection of me. don't worry i have some tardy days, albeit i keep the house very clean.

in terms of therapy, i have had a lot. thus i am more aware if i am slipping, thus the do not disturb sign goes up. remember that life and mdd is a journey-and i am a lifer-in terms of my dx's. because i have hit rock bottom on many occassions and worse i know that i will not like going back to this. my past is horrid, my future will be better, this is due to doing as much as i can handle, as much as i can do, this keeps me going. being somewhat stable now is giving me renewed hope and purpose, i am motivating myself, sure plenty of challenges, mdd is a medical condition and alike my t1 diabetes it is being managed. i no longer suffer with mdd/severe borderline personality disorder, instead i manage it.

for me the past is past, the future is happening, thus i live in the here and now. very important. baby steps are fine to begin with, yet to acheive more and via completing these steps you will be able to up the ante, this is because you have completed a step, thus you will feel positive and motivated to go up another step.

communication is key. never feel bad about yourself, i alike many was my own worst enmy, no more i am me. to give a little you get a little!! i never stop learning, this i feel has helped me greatly, and i also always remember that others are doing it tougher than me. practicing compassion to yourself is a very useful tool, we did not chose to be mentally unwell, but we can chose how it effects us. (minmising the impacts of)

life is precious, i do not know when my time is up, thus even through the abyss i try to live life as purposefully as possible. i am human, i am no longer ashamed of me. no longer worried what people think, for i am me, and not my illnesses. i try hard to take one day at a time, yeah i struggle at times, but i have vowed never to hit the bottom of that dirty black hole ever again. hoping this helps, with compassion, jamie

I have not been on much in the past few months.  Right after you posted your response, my telephone and internet were turned off for a few weeks because I was unable to pay these bills.  During this timeframe however, your words that meant so much to me kept me going.  They made perfect sense and illustrated much of what my own therapist has been saying over and over to me.  And because of this I was able to follow them on my own.

Once my services were turned back on however, my anxiety disorder flared back up again in very high gear.  I have been having constant panic attacks even though I had Seroquel added to my meds.  ....Everything financial that has been happening to me over the past year will be coming to a head over the next two to three days till however long it takes to officially end.  The short-sale of my house may or may not happen, financial/legal issues with my ex-husband are also mixed in with this....and I'm wondering if I'm even going to be able to walk away with a penny to my name, never minding the close to $100K in debt that will be resulting.  I have two sets of large financial packages that I need to fill out for my short-sale request tomorrow for two different banks and I still am continuing to apply to jobs even though I never get them.  And on top of all this, my 14 and 10 year old daughters are home from school constantly fighting and expecting me to bring them places (that I can't afford) to entertain them.  (And as I was typing this I just blew up at my 14 year old telling her this.  Am I just an awful mom here or shouldn't she and my younger daughter be able to entertain themselves?  Growing up my mom didn't drive me all over the place in the summers!  It's like they need instant gratification and can't think or do for themselves.  The only thing my 14 year old can do is write on Facebook and text on her cell phone.)

...All in all though, I am still grateful for the words you wrote.  You brought my therapists words to life and I truly needed that.    I am currently not living up to what you wrote but it is because I am out of wack with everything going on.   I don't know how to explain this but my body has been in an incredible amount of pain with all conflicting feelings that I don't entirely understand and the constant level of high stress that makes me want to scratch away all of my skin.

Sorry...seems like my Thank You session to you is turning into a self-pity party here.  And I didn't mean for that to happen.  I truly appreciate you being such a good friend and role model here.  You words have truly helped me despite the fact that I am struggling with them at the moment.

Thanks!

Cass

guys i am struggling myself a tad, my ph and net is on the precipice of being cut of also!! sleep, what is that? studies, struggling to finish. painting, trying without any assistance. appts left -right and centre, but you know what, this is life!! okay it is darn draining, especially with non-relenting insomnia. but it moves along....real quick!! cass, i am glad that my words have helped, i really hope your financial situation gets rectified soon, your kids, yes they can entertain each other-for some releif, join in something zanny!!!

keep on with that productive work with your therapist, hey we are all w.i p. (works in progress), so we must keep working on us!! i am here for you always. be you, be true and luv you. jamie.

and thx, it means so much that i can be of some assistance 2 you.

with healing compassion, jamie.

Just remember this, "yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, today is a gift and that is why they call it the present." I know I can sound trite but really you just need to take care of one small thing at a time.

I hope that your ex husband is giving you child support. If not you need to get him in gear and take him to court. I know it sounds hard but it is something you can do yourself. If you live in an area that has legal aid you can get help for free. Even if you are near a law school sometimes law students are able to give advice.

As far as your daughters go, you are in crisis mode right now. This is a hard lesson for them but they need to grow up and accept the reality of the whole situation. Just like you, I was never driven around and given so much like some kids today. They are going to have to learn to entertain themselves. I also think they are old enough to help out around the house with chores. They can help clean, set the table, take out garbage. You just need to make a list and make them stick to it. Also, your oldest daughter is old enough to babysit if she needs money.

Are you still on any meds? Are you seeing a therapist? If you need meds maybe your dr. can give you samples so you don't have too big an expense. I wish I had better advice to give you but this is a start. We talked a lot in the past and you were always so helpful to me. I hope I can do the same for you even if it is just to tell you I am here for you and will always answer your posts. I know it is hard but try to take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.

Many gentle hugs,

Aurora