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Posted 3/7/2010 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
hello,

I need your help. I dont know whether i am depressed or just paranoid. I have always been terrified of developing a mental illness, its one of my biggest fears.

For over two years now i have been particularly down. My mum died in '08 and this is when it started. I have also had alot of problems with my dad. Im still coping with life, but sometimes i can get so down that i can stay inside the house for days and days just crying and sleeping. Other days i am fine, i go out, i laugh, i talk to friends. But i dont think i have been truely happy since my mum died. Its like temporary happiness, it fades fast. I am at university and doing ok, but i have no confidence in myself. I dont feel like i can succeed.  The thing is, it isnt just the feeling of sadness that is holding me back, its the fear that i have depression. I think about it all the time, even when im having a good day, or a good week. I have read so many sites about depression i could write a book. Then suddenly it occured to me, while i have been worrying about depression, i could be developing paranoia. Im too scared to go to a doctor, not because i think they wont believe me but because i cant talk about my feelings, i just cant, never have been able to. if i get referred for some kind of talking therapy i know i will just start making out im fine so i can get out of it. I have no idea whats going on in my head anymore.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/7/2010 7:05:41 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 3/7/2010 3:12 AM (GMT 0)
hi justme89. jamie here. sorry for your loss. what i am worried about via reading your post is that you are worried about being dx with a mental illness. if you are currently depressed and paranoid then this may already be happening. there are new and good treatments out there, okay maybe you are not ready for therapy, but some medication will help with your thoughts and depressive issues. trust me on this, if you are already feeling depressed and paranoid, and without effective treatment then things will esculate. ps mental illness is a medical condition. i hope you seek some assistance soon. you have been brave in posting, keep being brave. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 3/7/2010 11:26 AM (GMT 0)
The problem is i cant make that initial visit. I have thought about it many times, i have imagined what it would be like to get it all off my plate. But i cannot make myself talk to anybody, as much as i want to get sorted.
Posted 3/7/2010 11:46 AM (GMT 0)
to help yourself a bit may i suggest you do some journeling. getting stuff from head to paper is very helpful, it brnigs it out a bit. furthermore you can take this to your doc/therapist when you are ready. my first session with my shrink i did not utter a word. i gave him my mini recorder to listen to what i had to say. next session i was better and talked. did 4 and half years of therapy, glad i did. all the best, jamie ps hang in there.
Posted 3/7/2010 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
four and a half years? wow. You seem really brave, i admire you. Thank you for your replies, i will take up a journel like you suggest. Thanks jamie.
Posted 3/7/2010 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
me89. you are sounding better already!!! happy for you.

jamie.scool scool scool tongue tongue tongue

Posted 3/7/2010 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
Nice to 'talk' i suppose. Its fairly easy on here, i dont have to look you in the eye when i tell you im going losing the plot. :) I really want rid of the muddle in my head, and hope the journal will help. It frustrates me that i dont know myown mind. I hope soon, i will be brave enough to really sort my self out with help. I do realise keeping a journal can only do so much for me.
Posted 3/7/2010 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
Me89,

Welcome to the forum. You have gotten some very good advice from Jamie. Carry your notes in and give to the doctor. You really need to get this issue out in the open to receive any type of help. You will be glad that you did.

Hugs, karen
Posted 3/7/2010 11:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks karen. I wish i was able to just go and sort all this out like an responsible adult. Im sick of thinking about it all the time. I just can seem to get myself there, its too hard. *sigh* why isnt there an easy option? :(
Posted 3/7/2010 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
I understand how your feeling..I had a really hard time making the initial visit myself..I had a friend go with me the first time..and he just sat in the waiting room with me, I felt better that someone was there I had seen a depression pamphlet in the waiting room so I picked it up and brought it in with me and thats how I started it. I was nervous of going because I had seem my mom hospitalized like 3 or 4 times and I was scared that they were going to send me there too..It turned out I made myself panic for no reason it turned out way better then I thought..he gave me the phone number for mental health services he said it was my descion no pressure I dont feel comfortable talking to people either I never want to bother anyone and he gave me a prescription for anti depressants..the way Im learning to see it is that its just a temporary thing..I can only move forward from here as long as I am taking care of myself..sending out warm wishes and know that you are not alone and there is lots of support here
Posted 3/8/2010 9:44 AM (GMT 0)
I cant get anyone to come with me because nobody knows, i mean why would they? some of the time, especially when i am with my friends, i can be totally fine, not truely happy, but not sad either. If that makes sense. So as far as they are concerned im fine. same old emma. My best friend once caught in on one of my 'slumps' and said he was worried but i just brushed it off and said i was fine. Then after a few days i picked myself up and was 'ok' again. I dont let people see me when i feel that rubbish.
Posted 3/8/2010 10:01 AM (GMT 0)
hey remember it happens to a lot of people!!!! mental illness does not discriminate. with compassion, jamie. keep posting.
Posted 3/8/2010 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
If you don't help yourself you aren't going to get better. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. That is the bottom line with that. So I suggest you help yourself and not let this ride, if you aren't comfortable now, make an appointment for a little while off and see how it goes.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Just remember you have to take the first steps.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/9/2010 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks alot guys. Started a journal last night. Here's hoping it gets me somewhere.
Posted 3/10/2010 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
it's a good start. jamie
Posted 3/11/2010 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you
Posted 3/12/2010 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
something that HW has taught me and something i practice diligently. 'ONE DAY AT A TIME'. keep posting, here for you. have a good day, jamie.
Posted 3/13/2010 11:00 AM (GMT 0)
yeah one day at a time sounds good.
Posted 3/13/2010 3:21 PM (GMT 0)
Also, me89, I can't help but notice you're beating yourself up a lot. All those "shoulds" end up putting a serious dent in your self esteem. May I suggest you write about what you can do, what is real, and not dwell in what you believe "responsible" adults do. Responsible adults take care of themselves whatever struggle arises, and sometimes that's depression. How can you take care of yourself?

serafena
Posted 3/13/2010 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
But thats all i know. I know what i 'should' do, i do not however know what i can do if that makes sense.
Posted 3/14/2010 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Then I would say, do what you can. Don't worry about the shoulds.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/14/2010 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, could i ask, have you had grief counselling? Have a read up about the stages of grief cos you may see similarities in the symptoms and it will help you understand why you feel the way you do.

Some people seem to resolve their grief quicker than others, not to say they dont feel as much, just that they have a better coping mechanism. Maybe you dont feel you can talk about your sadness because everyone else is getting on with their lives.

Dont feel bad about this, sometimes you just cant let go.
I would seek bereavement counselling.
take care x
Posted 3/14/2010 2:16 PM (GMT 0)
I was offered it when she died from my college. I turned it down. I have real problems talking to people.
Posted 3/14/2010 6:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

You really do need to talk to somebody. I know that it is hard, but even if you just listen while they talk, or answer questions that they (the counselor) ask, it will help you to sort things out. I really recommend some counseling. You have been through a lot and it is hard to keep going on. This would free up your mind so that you can focus on moving forward. Then you wont feel like you are stuck in that pit of depression. Give yourself a break and get some help. Keep posting here, that is good for you too. Maybe get some books to read about grief. Books really help.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/14/2010 10:56 PM (GMT 0)
Ihave made an attempt to tell a friend but bailed out at the last min and turned it into a joke. I really struggle talk about it. I will have a look for some books.
Thanks.
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