Lost with no direction

Hi my name is Jordan, I'm 20 and I've been fighting depression for a little over a year now. I've always been a sensitive person and always wore my heart on my sleeve. For many years I've been fighting the feelings of sadness and turmoil but for the past year its been the roughest in my life. Two years ago I moved away from my hometown to go to college and ever since have felt isolated, anxiety-ridden, and down right lost. about a year ago my long time girlfriend of 5 years ended up getting into a motorcycle accident almost killing her. At the time of hearing this tragic news from a friend I was told that she had gotten into the accident with her current boyfriend. This of course broke my heart having to hear from hundreds of miles away that my girl was possibly dying and with someone else. They both ended up recovering and have been together ever since. Ever since then I've been plagued with constant sadness, disassociation, thoughts running through my head at ever minute in the day, no sleep, no appetite, no motivation for anything whatsoever, lack of concentration,etc. You could pretty much go down the DSM manual and check everything in the depression category. I also have anxiety. Going to school is a major part of my day as the feeling of anxiety just runs right through me and controls me and going pretty much anywhere else still gives me tunnel vision and thoughts go racing. These feelings of anxiety keep me in my house and when I am out I try to get home as soon as possible. I have panic attacks a few times a week and it pretty much sucks not being able to control it. There are other pressures in my life including my family which is a whole list of material in itself, but I know the root of this depression stems from the loss of my ex. We had both been through many good times and bad but at the end of the day I know I loved this girl and had a future planned with her. I had just talked to her a little earlier before writing this post which had been the first time in months and shes completely in love with her new bf. Im glad she is happy and I could wish for nothing more but it kills me that shes happy with someone else. It feels childish to come on here and say that losing your gf at only 20 makes me feel this way and for so long, but I pretty much grew up with this person through the past 6 years and means everything to me. Ive taken prescriptions for both illnesses and they both gave me more depression, more anxiety, I don't really know where to turn. I know I have to let go and move on but I dont know how to do that with a person that I saw spending the rest of my life with.. How do you let go of someone that was the reason you're happy and that made life worthwhile. I know I'm young and I have so much life left to live and so many more people left to meet in this world, but at this very moment, hope seems sparing and life seems rather meaningless. I want to be happy but where do you find happiness? How do I get rid of these feelings of remorse and worthlessness? Do I have a reason to be depressed over this or am I just being nieve and co-dependent or should I remain fighting for the person that I truly care about? helpppp and sorry for such a long post

Thank you for responding Jaime. With you being 37 and having experienced almost double the life experience of me what is your outlook on this situation? Am I wrong for wanting things to change, are my wishes nieve and am I holding on to something I shouldnt be? Ive experienced other relationships but Ive never felt this way toward anyone, and I know it wasn't just a honeymoon stage feeling considering Ive known her for years. I don't believe the concept of "soul-mates" really exists but how do you completely forget about something your mind truly feels is real?

Hi Jordan Im 26 (female) and I completely understand what your going thru...dont ever think that your feelings maybe "childish".I felt that way too but now I realize that its ok to feel what I feel..because they are your feelings and they make who you are..and I can tell from reading your post that you have a good spirit, very passionate and you are a good person..Im very sorry to hear about your ex..I had a similar situation in the past..I know all these feelings that you have are very overwhelming..but everything takes time and you will be able to sort out your feelings.just like Jamiee suggested professional help will definitely benefit..it cant hurt right...I sense that there is more and like you said this is just the root..Im always here to offer you support as the rest of us are..take care of yourself.

Jordan,
I'm male in my late 40's. I've also been to university, but not exactly the way you are. My point is to express that I know the isolation feeling. It took a while but I did eventually find somewhere to hang out and found at least a few people to hang with. My eventual problem was too much drinking when I had the opportunity. Not that I could drink much, I had a low tolerance, though I'm a tall person. I liked it as a distraction from my shyness. I make this point to give you a chance that I ignored. That being the distraction I took most often ended up being a major problem not too much later.

One thing I did not have at my disposal was medication. I think you can find something that might help eventually. I have as of about 8 years ago. It took a while to find what worked. I noticed others here discuss their reactions. That's a good idea. You've mentioned that your particular medication has caused an increase in symptoms and not calmed them. That is not the mix I would want. I hope you've somewhere to go at the university to express your concern and that they have the means to show you other medication options. I know that the large university I went to had that kind of offering, but I don't know about smaller ones?


You've had a loss Jordan. I hope you will get some time to heal, and it might include a journal or meditation. I have been trying to read more, it helps a bit. You invested a lot of time in the last relationship, and now you've not had expectations met. That is never easy. You've found that you can write here, and that is good. Some day you'll find you can work on other things as well. It is a journey and in a way we're in this together. That is, there are those around you who may be good for you, and you'll find them sooner or later.

Good luck.

very good question, i will answer for me jordan. it helps me remain happier and moreso when i acheive it!! happiness for me is the expression of my heart-thus i can be happy regardless-yeah dulled a bit, but when i am happy from my heart and it is a good day the meds certainly give that happiness an extra boost. ps, i am happy for you, from my heart, and this happiness always allows for free facial expression, and i have my cheeky grin going for you!! lol. ps, i see some excellent self-actualization going on with you. well done jordan. jamie