Going nowhere but down.

Well, here I am. I’m 72  (old). I have COPD, Diabetes, Peripheral Neuropathy, need a bi-pap machine at night to keep me breathing, among other things.

For the last 10 years I have had a caregiver, a woman my age that had a big house and looking for company, I think. Anyway things were going along pretty good until she retired. For the last few years she has beco0me increasingly distant. We moved down to Texas so she could be near here family. Every summer she went back home to visit her kids. I stayed because traveling is hard on me. She had dinners frozen that I could heat up in the microwave and a housecleaner come in a couple times a week for the house. This past year I have kinda went downhill. She wanted to go on a cruise with her sister so she brought her daughter over to stay with me for my needs. To make a long story short, her daughter hates my guts, always has. She was abused by her father and holds any male father figure responsible for all her problems. A week after my caregiver came back from the cruise, the daughter marches in and informs me that her mother wants to quit taking care of me and I will have to make “other arrangements”.

OK, so here I am, in a wheelchair, no car, no friends to help me move even if I had a place to go. I keep to myself and do not do well in group situations. They agencies I have contacted all say I have to go into a rest home. Do you have any idea what happens i9n rest homes. Me friends (since passed away) mother went into a rest home. In the morning she was wheeled out into the hallway. At noon back to her room for lunch then back out into the hallway. I don’t know about anyone else but I can’t live that way. Plus the fact that the cost of these homes is prohibitive here.

So for the past few days I have been contemplating the end of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have no fear of death. I have been very, very close twice and the experience was not unpleasant. My spirituality is such that death is part of life, so entering the next life is becoming more and more appealing.

I really cannot think of a better solution to my problem. I have to be out of here quite soon and running out of time, in more than one way.

For tofeelbettersoon.

When I say I have been close, this is what I thought was a dream but turned into something more real.

The Other Side

Slowly, ever so slowly I opened my eyes,

All I could see was mist,

Swirling and blowing in an unfelt breeze.

Bright light makes it difficult to see,

At first I thought it was quiet,

But in the distance I could hear voices.

Nothing to identify, just that low murmur

When you know someone is close,

But you don't know who it is.

I felt nothing,

No pain, no pleasure nor sorrow.

Only that sensation of floating,

In a sea of nothingness.

Not a bad feeling really,

No euphoria, no fear.

This is the way it is I thought,

The end of the road,

the other side.

I had a moment of apprehension,

Wondering who was there.

Would I see old friends,

Long past lovers I had forgotten.

Enemies I had made along the way.

Just who and what,

Was waiting there in the mist.

Many had gone before me,

Many would follow.

Do we all see the same things.

Do we all hear the same sounds.

It's odd, but it makes no difference.

What's there is there.

What's left behind is gone,

To be remembered only in dreams.

Or, will I dream here,

In this place of emptiness.

Do places and people parade by,

To remind me of transgressions.

To point out my failures.

Or maybe celebrate some achievement.

But somehow I think that is all meaningless now.

Like yesterdays paper, tossed away as usless.

The world moves on,

It is up to me to move with it.

Else I should end up left aside,

Passed on as old news.

And just when I felt the pangs of bitterness creep into my soul,

A calm reassuring feeling comes over me,

spreading like sunshine across the morning plains.

I am at peace, I am at peace.

 

As I was waking up I was looking at myself lying on the floor. So in a way I am looking forward to the other side. There has to be things there way much better than here.

But thanks for your kind words,though.I appreciate it.

 

Kamiakin, I agree with tofeelbettersoon.  You have to take action.  You can look online for Federal HUD housing in your area.  Rent is based on income.  Look for senior apts. or those for disabled.  You contact the apt. complex directly and ask for an application.  There is usually a waiting list, but sometimes as little as 3 mos.  You should also look up Aging and Adult Services under State Agencies in your phone book.  Call them and let them know the situation you are in.  If necessary, you can go to a NH or Long Term Care facility temporarily.  If your doctor says this is medically necessary, Medicare should cover the expense for at least 30 days.  Did you speak to your friend directly?  Can she give you more time to find another place to stay?  If you can move, you will also be able to get Medicare to pay for a visiting nurse and home health aide to come into the home a few times a week.  There is help out there--you just have to look.

Good luck and God Bless!

hep93, what you suggested I have done for four days and yet to recieve any meaningful replies. I have talked on the phone and a couple times in person untill I am hoarse. I think last night was the worst. I had a insulin crash because I have been to upset to eat. I guess when I started hollering my caregiver heard me and called the medics. I now have regrets that she did that. I would have rather I was left to go out peacefully instead of, among other things, having blood all over my bed from a botched IV attempt.

I have "taken action" for four days now and have recieved no help whatsoever. Other than "let me check on that and get back to you" and "sorry we don't have any place for you". I finally realized that they think if they ignore me long enough I will go away.

The only solution is for me to go into a nursing home. Have you ever been in a nursing home? What a depressing place to begin with. Plus you are their "prisoner", they take everything you own, take all but $45.00 dollars a month of your Social Security and expect you to obtain all your over the counter meds with what is left. You go nowhere, except out into the hallway to sit all day in your wheelchair then back to your bed to sleep. I saw that happen to my friends mother 4 years ago. No, I would rather be gone than live like that.

Aging and Adults  Services were contacted last thursday. Adult Protective Services were contacted thursday and friday. Both of them sent a Police officer over to see if I was going to commit suicide. When he decided not they haven't called back.

I'm tired of all this crap. If they are going to haul me away to some rest home, it will be in a body bag. Not being argumentative, just realistic.

Thanks for your thoughts anyway.

I have been trying to get help for about 7 years. From simple things, like new batteries for my scooter, all the way up to a walk-in tub so I could take a real bath instead of sitting on the commode and washing with a cloth out of the sink. I have crawled to these people on my knees seeking help, including when I lost my help for medications. It's always the same thing. "We don't have money for those kind of things". I did manage to get some of my meds back, by cutting down on the number of them and cutting other expenditures. Yet they certainly have money for drug addicts, alcoholics and the like. So how can you say I have not tried long enough? Seems to me the government is trying a little to hard helping those people and letting us old folks,who have worked hard all their life wither away on the vine" Ever been to a rest home? It is not a pretty sight. Put "em in a chair and push "em out in the hallway, come back and put them to bed. I have seen it, in the exact place they want to put me. Ain't gonna happen. I was born on the prairies where the wind blew free and there was nothing to break the light of the sun. I was born where there were no enclosures.... ~ - Geronimo (Goyathlay) Chiricahua -("one who yawns") (1829-1909) Thanks for your reply though.