My partner's depressed & angry

Just joined this group.  Thank you for existing!  Have read some posts from people dealing with a partner's depression and just reading what other folks are going thru is helpful.

The girl i fell in love with about 1 1/2 years ago was positive, enthusiastic, energetic and centered. She ate healthy foods and took good care of herself. She's the person all her friends turn to for counseling and advice.  She has a way of seeing thru the malarkey to the core issues.

about 6 months ago we moved and moved in together and she has been a different person ever since.  After months, she will admit she is depressed and finally, just last week I got her to at least call for a dr's appt.(doesn't have one yet.)

i am afraid i have made some mistakes in dealing with this.  i have taken her behavior very personally and have attempted to move out several times. sometimes she doesn't even know i have packed bags.  but i don't leave b/c i am very concerned about what she might do if left alone. (and she would totally isolate herself, of that i am sure.) 

I need help dealing with her angry outbursts. i am reading about depression. and think i am getting better at not taking it (her anger and very hurtful, spiteful words) personally.  but i am powerless to stop her from talking and don't know how to not be a punching bag.  plus, she hasn't gotten physically abusive to me,, but sometimes i wonder if she might.  she gets so incredibly ANGRY, kicks doors, etc.  i never know what might set her off.

i think it sucks that we are living together! (can't believe that) but if we lived apart, i could leave when she gets crazy.  well, leave and have somewhere to go.

the other couples posting on here did not live together, anyone out there living with a depressed angry person?  How do you deal with it?  i've thought about keeping a bag packed in the car so that i could leave on short notice.  but one car is always blocked by the other, no doubt the bag would be in the blocked car... and anyway, how crazy is that?

although this is not a new city for her, it is for me. i know no one here except for her.  plus, i haven't been able to find fulltime work.  (we were supposed to work together in her business but that has proved impossible, b/c she is a perfectionist and is very demeaning to me on the job.  what i'm trying to say is that i have no friends here to talk to.  she flew off the handle when she found out i talked to my sister about our relationship troubles.  her fear is that my sister will try to turn me against her.  when actually my sister understands and encourages me to support her and take care of myself.  to avoid big scenes, i'm ashamed to admit that i'm avoiding calls from my sister. furtively texting her instead.

she is eating junk food galore, drinking alcohol and smoking pot.  her family has a history of suicides, depression and alcoholism.

i do not mean to make her out in such a bad light, as i realize it is the disease.  we worked, lived and loved beautifully together before all this started.

if i move out she will feel abandoned and deserted and she insists that the relationship is ended if i move out. i dont' want to end the relationship, i just need some time and space to myself sometimes.

after she has lost her temper, she apologizes and asks why she has so much anger and promises to "work on it".  everytime i believe her. everytime i want to support her.  i think she is trying to conquer it thru sheer willpower.  she has battled this before and did find a counselor who apparently was instrumental in preventing her from a suicide attempt. so you'd think she realizes she needs help to do this.

i just don't know how long i can go on this way.  i can't help but feel cheated.  this is not the woman that i gave up a career for and moved far away from my family for.

I really tried to keep this short!  i could type for pages now that i've gotten started!

help! and thank you in advance,

  gina

Linx,

Thanks for writing.

Are you saying that your relationship survived your illness?  Are the two of you whole and happy now?

I feel that i'm already in hell, so i/we would just have the journey back, right? (chuckle)

although leaving might be the best thing for me, i can't help but think that it would be a very bad thing for her.  that is always what i come back to.

thanks again,

gina

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing.  I unpacked my bag right away.  (She didnt even realize I had packed one.)  At the time, i felt i just needed to get away for a night and planned on going to a hotel...but i didn't go.

HOW do i get her to counseling? Please give me some strategies! Things to say, things to avoid saying, anything!  She has VA benefits and she says she called them and they said they would call her back with an appt time.  many times her phone rings and she will not answer it.  so i don't know if they have called back or not.  really  i don't even know if she called them at all.

Also, HOW do i avoid being a punching bag (figuratively speaking)?  When she loses her temper and is going off on me, what do i do?  how should i react?  i try my best to stay calm and not get emotional (and i am getting better at that) but is there anything I can say?  I want to leave the house when it happens.  Is that a good idea?

You are right when you say she doesn't understand why she does what she does.  She asks me that regularly.  What is a good response when she is asking me why she has so much anger and why she is so spiteful.  She said she thinks some people are good and some are bad and she is a bad person.  That she tries real hard to be good but she isn't.  My response was that everyone has a light and a dark side.  I assured her that she is a good person. I wanted to, but didn't say, "right now, you are lost in the dark and need help to find your way to the light."  maybe i should have but she can flare up so quick- literally in the blink of an eye. 

I am asking for practical strategies i can do to help her.  i am committed to this relationship.

Thanks so much,

  gina