my story, i don't know where to turn, any help would mean alot

hii i'm 16 years old and i went to therapy for about a year...i was diagnosed with anxiety disorders and depression, but i never admitted to my counsler what i had really been through. when i was 13 in middle school i was harassed by my entire school as the '****,' people threw trash at me, every time i walked into a room people would leave or say 'smelled like *****,' and there were several myspace pages and groups about my '****' behaviors. there was one guy who stood by me (So i thought, but later on i discovered he had been spreading half the rumors) i wasn't in love with him, not at all, but i felt like i needed to make him happy or else i'd be alone, i'd have to eat lunch alone or when we picked new seats no one would sit by me...i was scared of entering high school all alone and being nothing but the ****, so i continued to date him. i snuck out behind my moms back, who had know idea how tortured i had been at school, and i met him on gold courses and gave peices of my body away to him every day...then, being 13, i snuck out all alone with him at night and he started to have sex with me, i desparetly wanted to have him stop but when i tried he wouldnt give...so i just laid there until i t was over...after i begged him to walk me home and cried but he said i had nothing to be scared of and pushed me off him...calling me a stupid ***** scared of the duck noises at night...so i went home and my life has never been the same since. i began to  myself and hate who i was...my family didn't understand i still could nevr tell them to this day, and i was so ashamed to tell any friend, even my own therapist...i couldnt tell her about the rape, i just couldn't. after therapy i started dating this guy, who i've been dating for over a year now, and i'm absolutely in love with him. i was completetly happy until i found out he had done some dishonorable things behind my back...and ive been paranoid and panicky ever since. i feel my anxiety consume me, sometimes i have to fight the urge to myself and i find myself reliving the rape scene often...my boyfriend doesn't like to have sex alot, he's a good guy who doesn't want to worry about getting pregnant, but i find myself craving the sexual attention. ever since i lost my virginity ive subconciously felt like i needed the physical attention...constantly...in between being 13 and having sex and having my current boyfriend, i have had sex with 4 other people, and had physical contact with at least 15 more...i've had a hard time not needing the attention, even though i know its wrong...my boyfriend doesnt like to talk about my past and doesn't understand how bad my anxiety has gotten...sometimes after we hang out and he doesnt want to have sex, i get rages and have panic attacks where i can't breath and im so angry...then i get the sex and i feel calm and happy...it's horrible feeling like i need sex to feel better and loved...i've talked to some people who say i have a problem with male attention (my father is gone 6 days a week and i have virtually no relationship with him...) but i don't know whats wrong with me...i am so lost and hurt i just need help, anybody, any advice i really want to move on with my life and feel good again...
thank you

i almost feel sad writing this, knowing people have so many more serious problems than i do..i just...i needed to get it out and i needed to try and get help any way i could

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/23/2010 7:27:48 PM (GMT-6)

 HI, my name is Porscha

                                       i would first like to thank you for reaching out to others for help, that is extreamly brave and mature. There is soo much in life to learn, an soo much that you have experienced at such a young age. Please dont give up and take life one step at a time .... focus on loving yourself before going out and trying to find someone to love you first .... Please reply because we have alot in common and i want to be a friend that you can talk too, im not here to judge im here to listen...  hang in there and remember that life is beautiful and things will soon get better....

oh i'm sorry i wasnt sure of the regulations on here but thank you for letting me know...i appreciate the kind words they do mean alot to me...
its so weird because i feel confident about myself, like i think im attractive and i feel academically successful and i feel like i've got a good life and blessed but i find myself missing something...
to porscha thank you id love to be friends, i'm so confused with these feelings its insane...i have a few friends i trust with this issue and talk about it with but i cant get over this feeling, it seems like i was entirely content and at peace with what happened in my past until my boyfriend did somethings behind my back...he had asked other girls for naked pictures and when we were 'not supposed to see eachother,' because of getting in a little trouble with my parents...had been having this digital relationship with this girl...i tried to break up with him but he started proving himself to me...and i ended up staying by his side. but ever since it's like that triggered my depression and anxiety, like now i just can't control these awful feelings and i feel so rejected by him and down all the time...but at the same time ALL i want is to be with him and get positive attention from him, and i know and i can clearly tell myself sex isnt the answer...but i can't stop wanting it? it freaks me out a little bit being 16 and feeling like i need sex from my boyfriend, i just dont know what the answer is :/ but i am trying to take things one step at a time and move forward...i see the light and i want so badly to be in it and feel amazing again, im just so untrustworthy and craving this attention...it is soo miserable i wish i could just escape the feelings all together, but really im glad i came to healing well because i feel like somebody finally understandds this pain thank you so much

HEY,laynepaigebella

Thankx…. So we can officially say were friends now lol, it’s nice to hear that your feeling good about yourself because I honestly feel that when you’re a good person on the inside you will attract the right people in your life on the out…confidence is a very important priority to have especially as a teen ( which means WE deal with self-esteem problems majority of the time ) and from the looks of your post I’m pretty sure your academically successful J and I hope you will use it as an advantage in life…I Pray you go far and give it all you got !!!! From one teen to another we all get those feelings sometimes , and your not alone but I learned the best thing you could do about it , is Talking about it …. So your saying that your having relationship problems ? Don’t we all lol , it feels good being in love to everybody but sometimes you have to set your mind ahead for the future , because every man who’s worth spending the rest of your life with wants an intelligent , beautiful, and successful women. Trust me in the future that will be you and when u get there Prince Charming will be there…. Whether it’s your boyfriend now or somebody else it will all fall together at the end …..lol being young is harder than people may think …. Oh another thing relax and focus on success and everything will happen for the better… ( keeps your head up and stay strong …


Always Here For You,
Porscha

I had that same problem years ago when I was in my 20's. I just didn't know if I could trust the guy that I was with at the time and it ate me up. I finally told myself if he is mine, I will know it. If I can't trust him, then he is not. And if he is doing something behind my back, I will find out if I am meant to. That was the only way that I could deal with it. You go crazy when you wonder what is going on. Not only do you feel hurt, you feel stupid. But you are not, it is the other person that is.

Differenciating love and sex can be difficult. Just remember that sex is for physical pleasure and you can have it without love. And it all depends on the situation. It can be a huge stress relief too. So there is good and sometimes bad in both. I hope that you find what it is that you are actually looking for. There is nothing wrong with liking sex. But be careful. You are young and you have a lot going for you right now. Make sure to use protection. You want to be safe.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

HI, I am new here and this is my first reply to a post. Anyway your story really hit me hard. I can say I know what you are going through because I have been through the same thing. I am now 30 and still cant not forget about the past. But just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better for you. Support is the biggest thing and being afraid not to admit what you have gone through and facing those ghost, which you have and it is a great start. The more you bury them the more they will come back and haunt you please if there is anything I can do if you ever need to talk I do not care what time of day it is or if it is in the middle of the night even. I would be there for you as well as others on here I am sure. Just keep in mind that your are not alone.

I removed your email address for your own safety.  Anybody could get it.  If you add it to your profile, only members can see it. 

Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/26/2010 7:33:34 PM (GMT-6)

Hi, laynepaigebella
how was your weekend ? sorry i couldnt get back to you sonner i hadd a very busy weekend. Me and my mother are having problems but im trying to keep it togather... How have you been feeling?

Porscha ;)