need help

hello and thanks in advance.  i am having some serious problems with my wife.  she has told me that she has hate inside of her for me and she feels empty., that she knows she loves me but doesnt feel it.  she says that i have neglected her and she is scared by some of the things that i have done. i am guilty but i love her more than anything. my job is very stressfull as i run clinics for kids and work 87 hours a week.. i get home every night around 10:30 and work 28 hr weekends dealing with 500 kids and the parents and that number is no joke.  i fell into a pattern of coming home eating din at 11 and going to sleep, we did have relations but far and few between.  hour kids are always sick with common colds and our youngest has been in the hospital both years with pneumonia each time for 5 days one of the twins also had it.  its been crazy but we got through it. 

the neglect is from the patteren i fell into and the scars are from 5 fights we had in the last 10 yrs, the worst fight of me forgetting her birthday.  i am at fault, and i have seen my mistakes and i am so sorry. this all has been a life changing experience for me and i have changed, as everything i see is so clear.  this has been going on for 2 months and i am besides myself i have lost 22 lbs. the clients i see all have noticed my weight loss, they ask me how i did it and i tell them im just eating healthy when its a broken heart diet.

i never wanted to hurt her shes the last person i would hurt. and i feel that everything that i have done is so amplified in her head. she has said the most hurtful things to me that i cannot mention,  she is bringing up things from long ago that  i never realized but are really not bad, she will not kiss me or sleep in the same bed. 

i have tried everything to say i was sorry and she knows i am, but she still keeps her distance.  i dont know what to do! i tried to be affectionate and it may have made things worse. i am now backing off but i feel like thats how i got here in the first place, what do i do??? 

4 weeks ago i told her that i loved her and how this has changed me, she went nuts and was yelling and shaking, she went into a fetal pos on the couch and i calmed her down... i was scared.  we have only spoke about us one time after that and she said she still has hate for me and she is confused.

the last month we put our problems to the side and are talking good.  she has talked about the improvments she wants to do to our house and yesterday we refinanced our mortgage so we can do the things we want to. she has also said she wants to get a cleaning lady next year. but still no affection no kiss and i am still on the couch... whats going on with her?

she is seeing a psycologist and has been there 3 times, i have went twice.. we go separate to the same person.

last thing.. she is working gets up at 6:45 and most of the time gets home at 9... we have a few babysitters and its stressful for the both of us being away from the kids.  someone told me we need to go on a vaca but she will not go for it.

thank you jamiee,

she has not been diagnosed with anything as far as i know, but she maybe hiding it. the psycologist has not told me anything either. he did say that i am not to late and i need to be patient.. not sure why he said patient.  she is so exhausted all he time to the point she feels nauseous and it took me 4 times this morning to get her out of bed.  all signs point to depression but she does act normal most of the time she talks... but she will not talk about us, and i dont want to see another episode like the last time i told her my feelings.  i just cant figure it out.

You are doing the best thing for both of you right now by seeing therapist...
I think that the most beneficial thing though would go to to the same one so the therapist knows both sides of the marriage.. It can give her/him more knowledge about what your wife is thinking by knowing your reactions to her. Marriage/family counselors have been well trained. They can see both sides of the situation and then bring you two together in a session so you can discuss the problems.

If she has been scared and hiding stuff from you, it very well be something she has been diagnosed with something and she is pushing you away . She might think it is a sign of weakness in asking your help. She needs support and she should not be pushing you away. Sometimes a way that people deal with problems is by pushing people close away so it will not hurt them. I know she has said some hurtful things but it may be a sign of fear. Whatever the case may be , it sounds like your wife needs to be in therapy and she is getting what she needs right now.

I wouldn't ask her therapist whats wrong.. because he is not allowed to break confidentiality, but I would ask him if you could possibly join in on a session or perhaps he can refer you to someone who can help you both.

Like jamiee said Communication is key, and you are both doing the best thing by seeing someone without a bias view of the situation.


Keep us updated, please.

Hugs,
Sadie

from what it sounds like ... she is trying to get away from everything and the therapist might have told her to slow things down so you can both take some time to think. I think you need to check up on her but maybe not worry about it so much when she doesn't respond. its a healing process she is going through and I know you want to be there for her, but it may be best just to take a time out for yourself and look at the whole picture. I think you might be concentrating on little details and may be looking into them too deeply. Her therapist has her in the right place and you should continue to open up your feelings as well. the best thing for you both is just to take a breather and relax. in time things will work out. I believe everything happens for a reason!

hope this helps!
sadie