Don't know where to turn

This is a first for me, and even writing anonymously is giving me anxiety. I don't want to bother anyone with my issues, because I'm sure other peoples issues are more important than mine. On the other hand, I need to at least write this out, assuming that in the end no one will care.

I guess that's how I feel, that there is no one in the world who would care if I am here or not.

I truly cannot find a reason to continue my life. I am 44 years old, I really have no friends. I am terrified of making friends for fear that they won't like me. Forget about trying a relationship, my marriage and control freak ex-husband have pretty much made me afraid of any relationship.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but that's what I'm afraid will happen. I don't know how to change that. I have tried counseling, but it wasn't successful because I couldn't truly open up with my feelings. Again, because I was sure no one really wanted to hear my problems or care enough to want to help.  I tried church, with the same result.

The thought of being alone is too much to bear, but trying to open up and get the help I need causes me so much anxiety I can't bring myself back to that.  There really is no alternative.

Now, at least someone out there knows how I feel,  so maybe I won't feel completely alone in the end.

Good night.

hi bluehen, jamie here. i feel a chat with your doctor, re: anxiety/depression will be very beneficial for you. there are excellent treatments to help with them both. you deserve happiness and to acheive the things you want to acheive in life. you have been brave in posting, i really hope you contine. the members are very caring and understanding. we care about you!! sending healing compassion to you. jamie.

Hello Bluehen,
I understand. I read through a lot of posts & felt like I had no right to feel depressed. It's my fault I'm alone. I realize that, but can't seem to do anything about it. I say I want to have a relationship with my family, I want to develop friendships, I want to find love, but I do everything I can to make sure none of that happens. I am a product of my childhood & my past relationships. I am able to have a very close relationship with my sons (13 & 14) & I can go to work & be successful to some extent but that's as far as I have gone & fear I will ever go. I have never tried counseling. I believe I know why I do what I do. I just don't know how to stop doing it. I thought if I tried this I could be completely honest - but I've typed & deleted almost an entire paragraph. Just afraid to share the ugly truth I guess.
Please talk to me - maybe we can help each other?

hi wanting, jamie saying hi. hoping you feel better soon. me, male and 37. dx, severe borderline personality disorder and MDD.

with healing compassion 2 you. jamie.

Hi BillyJean,

Welcome to the forum. Yes you have a good idea, we can all help eachother. That is what it is all about. And you will find that there is a lot of support here.

I hope that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen

Do not feel afraid to tell your issues. Just think of how many people are in the world. You are not alone!!!!! and people will care. That is what I was scared of coming on here but I got replies to the thing I was scared of telling.
I recently moved and I do not really know anyone here except for my husband.. so if I need out of the house I really dont have anyone to go with when hes at work. But there are friendly people that Im sure would talk to me, im just scared. but so are they. I think everyone is scared of being alone, but there is sooo many people ... like a loooot of people on earth. We are all sharing the world together, and we all have similar fears, feelings. We are human and we have a connection with everyone.
I don't feel alone when I think of how many people I could talk to if I just got the guts. I thought Its a "me" problem... but when I read this... it makes me not feel like Im not the only one who is scared to go out and talk to people. So you are not alone... you just have a very common fear.

I felt better when I typed out my feelings. Don't be afraid to post because there are people that will reply and yes, we will care what you have to say and try to help the best we can!

Take Care!
Sadie