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Being in a relationship with someone whose father committed suicide and is now suffer from depressio

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Posted 3/26/2010 12:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hello,

My name is Seth, and i am currently in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression. It started this summer when her father committed suicide. I was one of the first people to know about it, her brother called me the morning it happened. I was on my way to work and received a phone call from him. He wanted to wait until she was out of work to tell her, I told him this was a bad idea she deserved to know about it then not later. I went to her work and put her brother on the phone so he could tell her I did not think it was right for me to tell her. She was devastated. I brought her home and packed her suitcase, we live in New York her family lives in Rhode Island, did i also mention we are college students. The whole six hour drive she did not say a word, she blared the music I got her to eat something and that was it. For the next week I was under the most stress I have ever been in. The hardest part was being strong and not crying, knowing this man and being respected by him made it rough. It has been about seven months since this has happened. I love this girl and every single member of her family. She is and always will be the one that I love. After being together for two years we are currently on a break , she feels so guilty about being depressed and has anxiety about the smallest things. It does not help that we are both in college she decided to come back even though she went through one of the biggest and life changing events in her life. All I want to do is help but she pushes me away she says that she no longer has the tools to be in a relationship. She said that she has changed and i will admit that she has how could someone not after something like that. I just do not know what to do anymore should I continue to be that shoulder for her to cry on or should I let her be and move on. I miss who she used to be, I know that person is still in there I can hear it in her voice. I would do anything for this girl and this is the first time in my life that i can say that with complete honesty. If anyone has any advice or has been through something similar please post.

Thanks,

Seth
Posted 3/26/2010 12:32 AM (GMT 0)
What does she think about getting therapy? Grief (you cannot dx someone with depression within a certain time period after a significant death) or depression due to berevement is quite common in even the most peaceful death situations. So I wonder if it might help her to think about therapy. Sometimes people focus on work/school, neglecting other relationships, are poor coping tools, but she also just might need time to process.
Posted 3/26/2010 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Seth,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am so happy that you found us. I am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend's brother. This is truly a huge loss for her and I can understand her pain.

I agree with Navy, she needs to get some counseling. It would do her and your relationship a world of good. I know that she loves you, she is just having trouble coping all together right now. And this could take some time. So I would take this one day at a time right now. You aren't in that big of a hurry to move on I don't think. So why rush things. See what happens if she goes to counseling. Be it berievement or regular. Please suggest it to her.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/26/2010 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
We are both in therapy there is a lot more to the story, but i wanted everyone to get the general idea of what is going on. She has been going to therapy since school started in the fall and I just started going this spring. I started going in order to find ways to help her and myself but for some reason I do not feel as though the therapy is helping. We talk about our sessions with each other she is very open with me and I am open with her. Her therapist suggested taking anti-anxiety medication, but we both believe this is not the answer. I believe in the power of people not pills as does she. Also her father was an alcoholic as well as addicted to pills so she is afraid of them. She told me that she knows that it is hard for me but she feels as though my being happy or sad depends on her and she can not deal with it at the moment. I want to help so bad, but at the same time I feel as though I am pushing it and that is making her push me away even harder. I really do not know what to do anymore. Should I wait and feel horrible or should I give up. The thing is I do not want to give up on her I want to believe in her and be there for her but is it really worth it.
Posted 3/26/2010 1:14 AM (GMT 0)
If therapy is not working then maybe finding a different therapist might help (generally it takes a couple to find one that works for you). Or going more often. What do you think about individual therapy sessions?
I mean in all honesty it has not even been a year yet.
I can certainly understand why she would be resistant to medications, but generally research concludes that therapy and meds help the most. But I also believe in knowing what is best for yourself....generally speaking.
I do think she has a point about how your happiness should not be dependent on her.
What do you think about finding a way to be supportive and also being happy?
Posted 3/26/2010 1:38 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Navy but we are both in individual therapy. We tell each other everything about the sessions though. I am happy most of the time but sometimes it gets to be to much and missing her overwhelms me. I wish she could realize that my being happy does not have to rely on her. I tell her I miss her and I get a response of just "I know". I guess I miss the attention and my girlfriend is that wrong of me? I know it has not been a year yet but being cut off completely from seeing her sent me into a tailspin, I tried just breaking it off but I just could not do it within two weeks I was talking to her again. It is rough being there for it all and the only person who lives in the area since her family lives in RI. I feel like such a wuss not being able to deal with this on my own and letting this get to me so deeply.

Thanks to all for the suggestions
seth
Posted 3/26/2010 2:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Seth,

Do you feel like you want out of the relationship? Is that what you are asking? One thing I can say is that we can't blame ourselves for someone elses emotions. She is not responsible for yours and you are not responsible for hers. So try to explain that to her.

If you feel that this isn't going to work out, talk to her about it and maybe you could try a kind of trial seperation and see how that goes. Does she want this? Or is she counting on you to hang in there?

She does have her grief to work on. Has she been talking about that to her counselor? Getting through this is not going to be easy. Especially with the way it happened. I hope she is working on this.

One day at a time is the best that I can tell you. Go to your counseling and see what comes of it.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
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