Feeling really low, any suggestions?

Terri,
My name is Pammi, and I'm just going to go on and talk to you as if you were one of my own sissies. I have 10, so you might as well be one of them You guess it, good old Catholic family, a BIG one. OK, first thing that SLAMS out at me is, WHAT is this DEAL with your husband thinking HIS anger caused it? As a 23 year psychiatry RN, my first thought is, PROBABLY DID!!!!! My first question is: Are you safe or are you in an abusive relationship and you just ain't talkin'? Knew a chick once whose husband just made her walk through malls in miniskirts with no underwear on. She did NOT think that was abusive! AND she was a self-mutilator! Any questions?
OK, so we'll lay off him for a moment. Now, it looks like life is really complex. I recall days of hating myself so much I couldn't stand the thought of having a female child because if she looked like me I'd hate her. I recall not being able to look in a mirror. I recall being obssessed with looking in the mirror and constantly distorting my appearance with tweezing and dying and makeup and whatnot. Now I'm relaxed and happy and I put on a tad of makeup. It's too late to have children but if I did, I'd know they are a blessing. I recall being a self-mutilator in less dramatic ways.
Then time finally worked it's magic. Get the book The Velveteen Rabbit. LOVE really does make you REAL. Unreal is illness. Real is becoming yourself. You just need a leather horse (you'll see in the book) to help you become real. That will be us. And others. Love is just people listening, people accepting, people being OK with your uniqueness as you change and grow.
Life is really just about knowing the difference between right and wrong. And getting up every day, washing your face, eating, doing the right thing, being sweet to every one, doing work you love, spending time with people you love and trust and who are good to you, eating again, washing your face again, praying, getting some sleep, and getting up the next day and doing it all over again!! THAT IS IT!!!
SO: omit doing wrong things, don't eat bad stuff, don't be mean to anyone, get bad people out of your life, don't do work you hate, don't forget Who keeps your heart beating, keep good personal habits, and YOU will be HAPPY!!!!
Sweetie, burning yourself is just plain wrong! Just don't DO it! It's just a bad, stupid, manipulative erroneous thing to do! Whoever taught you that it was useful or helpful in any way was lying to you! If you feel bad, cry and JOURNAL! At least you can grow and learn from a journal! You can do nothing positive from a burn! If you think you can manipulate hubby, you need a new hubby! Manipulation is wrong, and if you desire it, you must not be in a loving relationship!
I'm not fussing at you, really. I just don't have the heart to see you suffer another day. I want you to feel hopeful tonight, and more hopeful tomorrow, and even more hopeful the next day. Hopeful and very much aware that YOU are in control. YOU decide what you want in your life, that YOU can structure your life, even if you have to start from a women's shelter, YOU still decide! You are smart enough to be on this site, you are smart enough to start from square one and build a good life! I trust you entirely, I just think you've been given some bad information. You can make some really great use of some good information. The past is the past, and it's OK to give it a decent burial and let it be. That's what the future is for. For you to walk into with your chin up. Pammi

Terri, I remember. I understand. I hope you are OK. You deserve so much more and so much better in your life than tears. If you can, make a list of YOURSELF. What are you like "I'm the kind of girl who....." "I like...." Get a feel for who you are, no matter who or what in your life changed. Your job, your child, your loves, there is a baseline that will always be YOU until the day you die. Who is that woman? Pammi

Pammi,

I want to thank you so much for your words when I was so down. It's scary down there sometimes. I feel so much better today, that I can't understand why I use self injury as a way to cope. I hope and pray its not for manipulation. I usually don't tell anyone if I hurt myself unless I think I might need medical attention.

My first marriage was very abusive I thought I would never get away alive, but I did. I never went to therapy and always felt I was a survivor and conquer the world. My second husband is definately not like my first husband. He has an anger problem though and that has bothered me alot all of our marriage but my husband always said I was just sensitive because of all that happened with my first marriage, men and boys yell thats just how they work things out. He mainly gets mad at our kids and yells or says mean things to them. I always tried to be the mediator. ..and stuffed my feelings. Finally this year it all hit and I became very depressed. My husband and I went to marriage counceling and I told them both eventually about the self injury and that I needed individual counceling. I have been going to counceling and she has been helping me both with the SI and dealing with problems with my marriage...telling my husband what I am having a problem with and finally telling him that I didn't know if I wanted to be married any more. That is where it stands now.

I am trying to clean up my act and get very upset with myself when I mess up. I don't want to hurt my husband, family. If I had to choose..it would have to be me. I want to change to not hurt me either.

Some of the things you said in your posting really hit home with me and I have somethings to think about. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I rarely cry. Wierd.

Thanks again. You don't know what a life saver you were, but I am glad you were there. I only hope I can repay someone sometime.

Thanks...Terri