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Posted 12/31/2004 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
I have had a 4 year ongoing relationship while I was married with a coworker who was married too. Finally he confessed that he loves me, and I allowed myself to fall in love with him. I left my husband so that I can spend more time with the new guy. But when I left, I expected him to do the same, but he didn't. He kept saying that he will, but didn't want to hurt his wife, since she's done nothing wrong. Oh, okay, but you can keep hurting me, right? It's been 9 months since I left my husband. The new guy is planning to tell his wife this January that he wants to leave. But he still want to stay with her until June to make sure she will be ok, you know to take care of things,like sell the house and relocate her with her family in Tahoe or Vegas. I have never been a patient person, and for me to survive 9 months like this, is an extreme achievement. I kept telling him that I cannot take this anymore, and he always said he understood, but obviously in his mind he always minimized it. He kept telling himself that he is leaving his wife for me, so it shouldn't matter how long it takes, since the end result will be that we will be together. But I don't feel the same. I tried to get out of this relationship so many times, I left him so many times, but I can't. I always come back, because I can't live without him. Or so I feel.

     I get so depressed the times when he is not around. His wife suspects that he is cheating, she has been for quite some time. She is now watching him like a hawk. And he still doesn't get it, that he is not making this easy on anybody. She would be much better off if she knew where he is. Then they can just end it and everybody could move on. But he keeps us both waiting, and hurting. WHy?

     I have a little son, and I love him to death. I so wish I could just live my life in peace with him and forget about all the males in the world. If I could just let go of this one, I would be so much better off. But I can't. And I hate myself for being so weak. I can't even leave for 24 hours. Before the sun goes down I am back talking to him and asking him to come over again.

YEsterday while he was there and we were fighting, I felt like I can really not deal with this anymore, so while he was there, I picked up a bunch of pain killers that I got when I had my son, for the C-section, and I started eating them one by one. He found me and took out my whole medicine cabinet. He even took all my son's cold medication. That was funny. Sorry. He was quite mad at me for going this far, but I really felt like I just don't have any other choices, cause I tried everything to get over him and it never worked.

I know I made a mistake when I started this relationship with him, it was wrong and I always felt guilty about it. I still do, even though I already left my husband, so it is not like I am cheating anymore. But I feel bad for his wife now. I feel guilty for taking away her man. I wish I could end this so bad. But would somebody please tell me how??? I am addicted to him, and he is the most wonderful person that I have ever met, and I know that if or when we will get together we could have a totally wonderful life. He is so wonderful in so many ways. If this wasn't meant to be, then why did we even meet?

I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't want to hurt my child by hurting myself. I know he loves me and needs me, but would somebody tell me how can I stop these tremedous feelings I have for this guy, so I can just move on with my life and give my full attention to my loving son???

Posted 1/1/2005 11:11 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Hajnalka,
My heart breaks for you. I have been in this situation, and been suicidal. After leaving my husband, I lost the lover too, who ultimately could not leave his wife, after a similar delay. Now, some distance from it, I see that I was in an affair with a man whom I worshipped, but who was WILLING to be in an AFFAIR! HELLOOOOO! I am now remarried to a dear soul on whom I wouldn't dream of cheating, and who would not in a million years cheat on me. At this moment, I hear every second of pain in your heart. AND I realize that there is a reason God commanded us to "Keep Faith with the Souse of Your Youth." HE was trying so hard to prevent each of us from these horrible agonies. We just didn't listen. The questions are really these: Do you still love your husband? Is he retrievable if you do? Can you go to him and saY "I was wrong, I repent before you and the Lord? Will you accept me back? I will make every effort to be a worthy wife!" In the event that you are NOT in the mood to do that, and I do not have a feel for where you are with that; your very next best option in my opinion, is to say to Lover: do NOT show up at MY door AGAIN unless YOU have a RING in your HAND. NO ONE touches me unless they are my Betrothed! I will not be so dishonored. Do you understand me? Then you will know his true colors. If he plays ball, you know who you are. If he doesn't play ball, you know the real story. You can take a couple days off work, scream into a bath towel, grieve acutely. then wash your face, put on your make-up, comb your hair, and get on with your life. AND you will have a MUCH clearer idea of WHO you accept into YOUR precious life the NEXT time around! You are worthy, sister, you are worthy of IT ALL, and don't you accept one bit less!!! Pammi
Posted 1/1/2005 11:26 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Hajnalka,
I was just telling husband #2 about your problem and the funniest story about husband # 1. He came hustling me while engaged to another woman. He obviously fancied me, so I told him: "You've got 48 hours to get rid of the chick, take it or leave it. Now I've got to go to work!" 24 hours later he shows up at my door with a beautiful gold bracelet and a dozen roses and a toothbrush. A bit presumptuous on his part with the toothbrush, but hey, I'm not completely harsh. He made very little money as a new college grad, it was the best he could do. We were inseparable from then on, until I foolishly allowed loverboy and other issues to come between us. Anyway, just a point: directness works. Pammi
Posted 1/3/2005 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
YES I MUST AGREE. NEVER LET UR GUARD DOWN I LIVE SOLEY BY FOLLOWING. I WONT DO ANYTHING THAT COULD HURT ME IN THE LONG RUN UNLESS THEY DO IT FIRST
Posted 1/4/2005 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Grrrrr.  I wrote a long post and lost it while attempting to submit it.  Anyhow, hello Hajnalka.  There were a few things I wanted to share with you.  One is the old saying "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you".  I also had a boyfriend that I couldn't live without and surprise, surprise, I'm still here without him.  I know co-dependency only too well.  Perhaps you could read up on it or see a counsellor so you can find a way to know that you are worth more than this.  You also say that he is a totally wonderful person and if you could be together you would have a totally wonderful life.  Do you think his wife agrees?  Remember, he is/was in love with her also and she isn't living happily ever after.  One last point, your son.  You now have to think about who you put in his life.  Are they a good role model?  Any chance at getting back together with his dad as this is truly the best for a child (obviously as long as father isn't abusing drugs, abusive...)  Hajnalka, I pray you find inner peace and healing.  You are worth more than second best.  You will find one who truly love you and puts you first one day.  Don't settle.  I wish you happiness :-) :-) .
Posted 1/4/2005 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
I AGREE WITH THAT COMPLETELY. IF A MAN IS SEEING SOMEONE BEHIND THEIR WIFES BACK WHAT MAKES U THINK WHEN SOME YOUNG THING COMES ALONG HE AINT GONNA DO THE SAME TO U. I DEAL WITH THIS EVERY DAY WITH MY MOM. SHE IS EXTREMELY CO DEPENDANT. I TRY TO TELL HER THAT WE FAUGHT ALL THESE YEARS FOR EQUALITY AND THEN SHE GOES OFF LETTING MEN THINK WE R INFERIOR. WELL WE ARENT WE R THE STRONGEST WE HAVE BEEN IN YEARS. UNLESS U WANT UR SON GROWING UP REBELLING AGAINST U BECAUSE OF THE SITUATION THEN I WOULD RATHER BE A SINGLE MOTHER. MY SONS FATHER USED TO BEAT ME. I DEALT WITH IT FOR 3 YEARS AND FINALLY LEFT. I REALIZED THAT HE WAS WAY MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN A MAN WHO WAS NO GOOD. SO I WAS A SINGLE MOM FOR 6 YEARS. AND IN THOSE 6 YEARS I HAD 2 OTHER KIDS. I STAYED SINGLE AND RAISED THEM UNTILL I GOT MARRIED. GRANTED THE LOVIN ARMS ARE GREAT AT NIGHT OR WHEN U NEED A HUG BUT NOT WORTH IT IF IT MEANS SACRIFICING EVERYTHING.
Posted 1/4/2005 5:47 AM (GMT 0)
SOMETHING ELSE TOO. IF U LOOK RIGHT IN FRONT OF U. U WILL SEE THE ONLY MAN WHO WILL EVER TREAT U RIGHT. THATS UR SON. SO U WILL NEVER BE LONELY AND U WILL ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES U UNCONDITIONALLY. CHANGE UR PHONE NUMBER SO HE CANT CALL AND TELL HIM ITS OVER. THEN LOAD UR DAYS SPENDING IT WITH UR SON. TRY TO THINK OF WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO U AND OTHERS IT SHOULD MAKE IT A LITTLE EASIER. IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE THEN HE WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE AND COME FOR U BUT UNTIL THEN LIVE UR LIFE NO MAN IS WORTH WAITING FOR. MY HUSBAND LEFT MY 6 YEARS AGO FOR MY SISTER. IT TOOK ME FOUR TO GET OVER ITY BUT WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO IT HE CAME TO ME AND HE WAS LUCKY I STILL LOVED HIM. AND THINGS HAVE BEEN GREAT SINCE. SO KEEP UR HEAD UP AND LOOK INTO UR SONS EYES AND REMEMBER WHY U NEED TO LEAVE HIM.
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