I really just dont know what to do anymore. Please help me. it may be a bit long for you, but please

For the past while now, I have been confused about my life. I feel as if I'm doing something wrong, that I'm not aware of and I'm like okay I need to change my life and start over. as well as if I'm not taking advantage of my life and making something of myself.

I truly do not know what is causing this feeling in my body, but is it causing me to be extermely upset and I suppose depressed.

Just recently for the past few mouths, I got this feeling where negativity was trying to take over my brain, as odd as that may sound. it was like no matter how hard I tried to feel and be positive ( which I always do) I felt these force's of negativity trying to take over. I feel as if I have over come that, by staying strong and not letting it get to me. but now I have this problem.

I feel as if i know the reason, but I am in denial.

When I was at a younger age, I and another started talking, we feel madly in love with one another, but the problem was, was that he was a few years older, and we knew that my mother would have a huge problem with it. at the time we didn't care and we just did what ever was possible to keep it from her, until one day she went through my emails and found out. that night we were forbidden to ever talk to one another again, and that if she found out, she would get the police involved. I called him the next day and he said that if I didn't here from him before December 1st, (This was September) he was either dead or in jail from all of this. I was divested and bawled my eyes out every night and when December 1st came, I never heard a word from him.

a few months after that I met someone else, I wasn't thinking straight. and all I hoped for, was that this person was going to be the man I loved before, I did what ever was possible to convince myself that, but in the end that just wasn't the case. This Guy turned out to be controlling, self centered, was only happy if things went his way and more. I lost my virginity to him.

while I was dating this guy, a year while being into the relationship, the guy I loved so dearly re added me on the computer, he was bothered by the fact that I didn't wait for him, But I didn't know I was ever going to here from him again, considering what he said and even though I was with another, all I ever did was try to convince myself that this guy, was the guy I loved. he was most bothered that I had sex with my current boyfriend at the time.

after him hearing all this, he was very antsy about his feelings towards me, every other time we would talk he would tell me he loved me/ missed me, and then he would go on about how great his life was, he did admit that he did that, because he didn't want to bring me down with him, and that he wasn't sure that I should be with him for my sake, but I didn't care, because I knew I loved him. also, after he found out I had sex, it was like, he talked about that more then ever, and it was rare we had a civil conversation, like how we use too. all of this threw me off.

After I ended things with my boyfriend, for the way he was, I ended up with someone else a while after, due to being thrown off by the guy I loved, I feel as if I might have messed up in my relationship decision making, and I question weather I should be with the person I am now at times. some times its like okay I think I really do love him, but then other days, its like... what am I doing with my life?

please don't consider me a bad person for doing all this, I wasn't thinking straight and I just wanted the person I once loved back.

I miss the guy I loved, I don't know what to do, I feel as if I have messed up so much, I cant sleep at night. ;'(

I don't know what to do. Please take the time and help me, I beg of you.

Hello Issa79
I hope today you are feeling better.
Im sorry to say this but it sounds like bothe of your boy friends found some one young enough and nieve enough to manippulate and use to stisfye there own selves.Believe me when I say this Your young nieve and was a virgin every mans dream come true. Its a hard fact but if you hava had sex with your first boy friend you met over the internet he would probably used you up and dropped you for the next young girl to come along.It happens every day.
You are not a bad person you just got caught up in a fantasy and became a victim.You sound like a young girl and maybe to young to even be involved in a relationship with an older guy,why would this even intrest you?If this first boy friend was old enough that your mom threatenned to get the police involved it sounds as if you were playing with fire.maybe your mom should get the police involved.Something is wrong here.
The main thing is dont beat yourself up but learn from this and become a stronger person from it.As for love,You have alife time to find out about love so dont rush it growup a little first and be thankful the damage done is only superficial and soon you will not even think about either one of these guys.
God Bless you and keep you safe........Loner

Im not really sure where exactly I suppost to respond to people who reply on my threads, but this is for Karen.

thank you for taking the time to write to me, but no. he does not get mad at the fact that I lost my virginity to someone else, he was more hurt by it and wished that I had of given it to someone who he thought deserved it and who I would end up with for life.

and yes, the other guy was controlling me, thats why I ended it with him, because I knew that wasn't good.

and yes, i am currently in a relationship with someone else.

what do you mean by codependency problems might I ask and why do you suggest that?

Thank you as well Jamiee for taking the time to respond to my lengthy thread as well, I will try and talk your advice, :) thank you again. I hope you have a wonderful day.

I never said that all the Guys I have been with were controlling nor manipulative, I said only one of them were, and that was the second guy.

Thank you for your help.

I dont know what I suffer from, I know that you people are only trying to help me, and I think I have made it clear that I greatly apprciate that, I have thanked everyone, every single time that they have taken the time to message me, and try to help with ever I am going through.

I never said that two years was a lot, I was just stating the fact that he was ONLY two years older then me, because the first guy was quiet a few more years older. I dont think how much older someone is then me, determines weather I am young or not, some people marry people who are 2 years, some more. so I dont really understand that you were getting at by saying that, frankly I think you have misread what I have written.

I never said I was with a guy who I didnt care much for, its highly frustrating having you say these things, saying that I have said them, when that is not the case. on more then one occasion.

I never asked you or anyone to figure out my life, I left a message, ( which i believe is what this area is for) for help and to be given advice.

as well, you say this forum is for depression, but then you are saying that if you are go to a doctor etc, I thought it was for depression?

it is unfortunate that your husband passed away, Im very sorry to hear, that must have been awful to go though.

goodbye.