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Help my husband is depressed

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Depression
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Posted 5/19/2010 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
I just don't know where to start. My husband and I have been together for 8 years most of that he was an alcoholic and I came to terms that he had a drinking problem about a year ago.  We were in marriage counceling at the time when he realized it and at this same time he was diagnoised with depression.  Now a year later about a month ago he decided to stop taking his meds because his was no longer depressed I told him I would support him if he thought he was ready.  I have tried but it just keeps getting worse and all the signs of depression are still there he was even admitted to the psych ward just prior to stopping his meds because he told me he took all of my diabetic meds, blood pressure and his depression meds.  Again he was told to seek help with a therapist at this time he enrolled himself in a alcohol treatment program yeah!! Now we have lost our insurance so he had to stop treatment, he is still not taking his meds and last week I caught him drinking and he thinks it is ok because it was just because he was stressed and had nothing to do with us.  We are back to fighting over everything for example I loaned him my ear phones that his dog chewed up when I asked what happen and yes my bad I pointed out that if he wouldn't leave the on the floor next to his bed the dog wouldn't of gotten, but the point is this turned into a fight like I had stolen his best friend and he left this morning not talking to me again.  His depression started when he lost his job a year ago after his position being eliminated from his 14 year career plus we had issues with my step son all at the same time, so I understand why he is depressed.  I just don't know why he denies it after 3 doctors have told him to seek treatment.  He thinks it all my fault to the point that he bought me a book by Dr Laura on how to treat your husband for Valentines Day no less.....but Im reading it.  The first chapter tells you that the book does not apply to relationships where alcohol or drugs are related, but I don't know I will read it just for answers and if it makes me a better wife then all is well.  My heart is still in this marriage but my mind is telling me that it has had enough.  I don't want a divorce I just don't know how to live like this anymore.  Any suggestion I would love them.  Lost and at the end of my rope.
Posted 5/19/2010 8:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenakins,

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. It is so hard to live with somebody who is depressed and is an alcoholic. They tend to want to blame others for their problems. Don't let his problems become yours. Yes, easier said than done, but doable.

Have you tried getting ahold of the department of human services? They might be able to help you financially and with medical and a food card. That would take some of the stress off of you. Your husband may even be able to get some disability for his depression and alcoholism. Not sure, but hopefully there are some programs out there that could help you.

As long as he isn't taking his meds, he is not going to get any better. And will probably come up with a lot of excuses to drink. And the drinking is only going to make the depresion worse, as it is a depressant in itself.

I would recommend for you to see a counselor. You really could use the support and guidance. So if you can, please try. There are programs within mental health that can hook you up with a counselor at low or no cost to you. So do check into that.

Coming here is a good thing to. I forgot to welcome you to the forum. I think you will find that there are a lot of people here that do understand and it will ease your mind some. Please take care of you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/19/2010 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for you kind words. Yes we have spoke to DSHS with my husbands unemployment and my part time job we make $400 too much each month. They helped us during a transition period, but my husband still has not found work. The jobs he has been offered pay less then his unemployment, so he has been going to school to retrain in the medical field. When we were receiving benefits he was going to Alcohol treatment. I even called DSHS and asked them for an extension of benefits because my husband was in dependency treatment. They would not allow this. I will keep searching. I wish there was just a magic button that I could press. Thanks again.
Posted 5/19/2010 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
I know what you mean about the magic button. I could use one too. I am glad that your husband is going to school. This is very good for him. And I hope that he continues and doesn't let the drinking get in the way. Is he drinking daily? Or just on occasion? I know neither one is good, but I would have a way of knowing what you are dealing with in a whole.

My first husband drank some in the beginning. And when he did, his perspective on things was way off. He would get jealous and abusive. He finally quit. Which was good, because things were a lot better for us. So I know what you are going through with your husband's drinking. I hope that it isn't a daily thing for you to have to endure.

Hopefully school will take over and he will get into that. And I am sorry that dhs isn't helping anymore. The thing that I did learn though is that there are programs that they wont tell you about. My husband found a prescription and health program that we had heard about. But you had to enquire within the doctor's office. The problem is that they don't make it public knowledge, you have to ask about it. So that is a thought. It wouldnt' hurt to ask. It was called tencon. It involved ten counties and was through the state I believe. But like I say, they would not tell you about it, I learned about it through my hairdresser who at the time was in diabetes management at the doctor's office.

I sure do hope that you can find some help. Hopefully there are other things that other members know about that they can share. Keep on keeping on. Know that you are a strong person and can handle more than you think. Though we do grow weary. Do something nice for yourself from time to time so that you feel you have some control over your life. Relaxation helps a lot. Deep breathing and meditation is what I do when things start to pile up on me.

I hope that this helps some.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/19/2010 10:17 PM (GMT 0)
He drank nearly everyday up until 2 1/2 months ago and that is when he started treatment. He went to his first AA meeting so intoxicated that he could not even give me directions on how to get there. And he has been making improvements but the last 2-3 weeks things have been getting worse again. Then last week when I walked outside I saw him putting a beer can in a garbage bag from his car. I was so hurt I didn't know what to say I started to tell him, but something stopped me and I just looked at him and told him that it hurt me to see him decide to drink after all his family had been through. Then yesterday I found another beer can in a bag in his car I asked about it he immediately got angry and said we already had that fight. We never fought the first time over it and I saw him put the first bag in the dumpster, so I knew that what I found yesterday was not the same. This is exactly how things started before the hiding and sneaking. Now this morning I found out he borrowed money from his sister "she thought I knew" and I have not been able to get a hold of him all day. Normally he calls around 1 or so and if I need to I can talk to him before 10 am. I just don't know what to think or what the right steps are. I can feel myself stressing and so tonight I will take my bible study to bed for me and hope for a better tomorrow.
Posted 5/19/2010 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you can use your bible study to concentrate on instead of dwelling on what he is doing which would be so easy to do at this time. The more you think about it, the harder it is going to be for you. When I think about something I usually blow it out of proportion, if I think about it a lot. What is done is done. And you know that he is sneaking. There really isn't much that you can do to change that. So reading your bible studies is good for you and will take your mind off of things. Why do you think he borrowed money from his sister? Do you think it was for the household, or for him? I hope it is for the household to help out with bills and stuff. Was it a lot?

I will be back on so if you want to talk more, I will be here. I hope that you can have a nice relaxing evening.

Hugs, Karen
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