Numb

Hi, I'm a 25 year old female and I have a pretty good life outwardly but I am suffering all alone inside. My family doesn't know about my depression and anxiety...and I am not going to tell them. When I was in my late teens, I was a hypochondriac and my parents put me down so much because of it, acting like it was all in my head. I don't trust them and will never tell them my problems again and plus they have enough issues of their own to deal with which I am not going to get into now. I have really bad insomnia (especially right now being almost 4 am) but still manage to get up early every morning for work. While there, I do a halfway job because I can hardly focus on my work. I then come home and usually just go to sleep or mindlessly watch tv. If I take a nap it's usually 3 hours at a time which causes me to stay up at night even later. I do not have friends anymore due to my social anxiety and all my coworkers are family members. I used to be able to cry but now I can't even do that. I'm coasting through life and I hate it so much. It's an ongoing battle in my head and I can't turn it off. I am always in fear that something bad is about to happen and can't seem to find the point in life if we all just die in the end. I used to be religious but all it did was make me feel even more scared and depressed. I prayed for many years that god would take away my depression so I wouldn't have to rely on medicine but he didn't do it and now I feel like the only reason I ever was a christian in the first place was out of fear of going to hell(if there really is one) but the way I see it, I'm already in hell... at least in my mind. I don't know what else do to. I can't keep going on living like this. Someone please help me and please do not suggest I see a counselor because I have no money and the nearest one is 40 miles away and my car can barely make it to work which is only 10 min from my house.
I'm a lost cause...

I tried that site and it doesn't help much. It has a lot of reading and I can't concentrate enough to do too much of that. I think at this point I just need to accept that this is how I'll feel the rest of my life and i'm sure it will only get worse with age. The light at the end of the tunnel is just about gone now.

here 4 you too, jamie.

it is not deliberate vdogg. sorry, i have heaps going on, i try like heck to read and post as much as possible. my e-mail is open to you if you would like to chat. with compassion, jamie.