My Father recently died, many past issues coming to the surface.. confused and need help!!

Hey everyone. I'm new to this site. I know I'm not deeply depressed but I am suffering from some depression and greif since my Father died a month ago. I have an amazing boyfriend that reminds me of my dad in so many ways, they got along great and he was with me through the entire ordeal of finding out about his death, etc.
After we tossed his ashes in the sea, everything was great, I felt relieved and felt like life was going to be good again... Then I started getting this horrific, nagging thoughts that I was a terrible, horrible person for some reason. One situation came to mind.. In the first weeks of starting my relationship with this man that I am with, I was fooling around with my best friend (female also) when we would get very very intoxicated. I did not tell my boyfriend at the time for a variety of reasons, and then we had a break and got back together and nothing like that has happened since. I told him about this because I felt I needed to clear my concience and he FLIPPED more that I thought he would at this time...
We have worked through that problem with the help of my best friend and some time to ourselves but now... Now I have these horrible memories of past sexual (mildly sexual, images and thoughts mostly) experiences that I am feeling a sick guild and disgust about. I mean, these were things at the time that I felt could be easily pushed aside as childhood curisities and teenage confusion.
Now, all of a sudden, I am reliving them and every other negative experience I ever went through. For some reason, I want to tell my boyfriend ALL of this, but I know if I did he would not see it as me cleaning my slate, he would probaly see it as something I was keeping from him (when really I was keeping this from myself). I also know that we cannot afford to go through anymore grief like that together without it risking the end of my relationship.
I need him in my life, but at the same time, I need to not feel this disgust and guilt. Its causing me to suffer anxiety over irrational fears and I've even been having trouble sleeping. I don't really know what to do.
My best friend (who is an amazing pillar of strength) has told me that the things my mind is reliving is just my 'ego' finding ways for me to feel bad about myself, and that this is part of dealing with the entire grief of my dads death. She and I both feel that I am trying to role-reverse with my boyfriend, to make him seem like a father figure, and me wanting to tell him these things is just me REALLY wanting to tell my dad these things. I would love to know what someone on here thinks about all of this. I know its a lot to read but I'd appreciate some feedback. I'm at a point where even posting this makes me feel better and gives me the perseverance to continue my day at work.
Thanks and god bless.
-Celeste

I have had alot of good feedback from the women on the depression chat room. I think you may be right about the whole 'more emotional' thing. I think that is just it. I have been overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me lately and have not been able to relax. I feel like eventually I will be able to talk about these things I've been thinking about with my man, but today, next week or even next month feels like too soon. I wrote alot of my feelings down on paper today and I feel much better. I put the pages in a box where I keep my dads ashes, and I feel like I had a chance to talk with him about this, and that makes me feel at peace. I really appreciate your kind words, Karen. That helped huge! <3

Hi Celeste,

I am so happy that you were in the chat room and got some good advice. That makes me so happy!And I am also happy that you got help on the forum. That is what we are all here for, you included.

My puppy is totally spasming out, running back and forth in the room. So I have got to go and calm her down before she hurts herself.

Hugs, Karen

Yeah, you do got to love the pets. My pup is beginning to be too reliant on me. She is a good girl though. She is just about five months old. She is a german shepherd. I was lucky to get her.

I am so glad that you are feeling better today. It is hard, but we all got to get through it, and with eachothers help, I think we can.

Oh and my pup lays by my feet when I am on the computer. It makes me feel good.

Have a great day. I am glad that chat went well yesterday too.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Celeste,

I am so thrilled that you were able to talk to your mom. My mother and I were not close at all. I couldn't talk to her about anything without hearing an "I told you so". Or something to that effect. She wasn't nurturing or compassionate at all. So you are lucky that you can talk to your mom. Keep the lines of communication open with her.

Yes, I love the GSD. I have always had them. I lost my dear Dharma in November and got this puppy (Jasmine) in March. It was so fun when she was a baby, but boy was it a lot of work. She is still a handful. But she is pretty mellow compared to Dharma. Dharma was quite hyper. But I still loved her.

Jasmine is learning to walk good on the leash. Though she has her moments. Monday she gets her nails trimmed and gets her heartworm meds and weighed. They were suppose to do a complimentary nail trim when I took her in last month, but they didn't want to stress her out. So hopefully Monday I will get it done. I was trimming them and now she decided not to let me. So I will let somebody else try.

I have never heard of "the lightworkers way", but it sounds like it is a good book. I am glad that you are reading it. things like this help us from time to time to get through the difficult times. Is it a self help type book? I like reading them. I have one called "the new mood therapy" by Dr. Burns. I can't remember his first name. But it has been around for many years and has helped a lot of people. It deals a lot with CBT.

I hope that you feel better. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen